Oscar 2007 Blog

For those looking for the 2007 Oscar blog, you can find it here:


Why “Crash” Won

Kenneth Turan’s pitch-perfect assessment.

“Cashback” Download

The Oscar-nominated short can be found here (via Slushpile)

Good night and

That’s it, really.

Mothafucking Crash. Who’d have thunk it?

I’m turning off the television machine now. I love you all. Let us unite and strike down the tyranny of the montage. Do not go gently into the good champagne.

Update from Zeke’s, pt. IV

There’s just so many people I’d like to thank. Edward, for being there for me and giving me a creative outlet. Eve, for making sure I got a glass of beer from that pitcher. Rita, for chiming in and watching the laptop. Sarah and Greg for laughing at my lame jokes. Chris for wanting a 24 year old girlfriend. But most of all I’d like to thank the Academy for being a bunch of rich, uptight motherfuckers. Without you, none of this would have been funny.

7:25 Academy president: “What on earth are those negroes saying?”

7:26 We need a black person laughing. Cut to Jamie Foxx on three.

7:28 Sarah H., regarding Jennifer Garner: “Mom boobs.”

7:30 I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: Andy Serkis is the new Anthony Edwards.

7:30 George Clooney: “Give my father’s campaign some money, bitches.”

7:31 Big applause for the following recent corpses here at Zeke’s: Noriyuki “Pat” Morita, Anne Bancroft, Richard Pryor.

7:39 Average American at home: “I ain’t seen none of these furrin’ films.”

7:42 Oscar for Best Audrey Hepburn Impersonation: Ziyi Zhang.

7:45 Gay negroes who love Jews: Funny, because it’s true.

7:46 Terrence Howard gets the respect of silence here at Zeke’s.

7:47 Had to work that cocaine reference in. It is, after all, Hollywood.

7:47 They used the same Straithairn clip for best picture, no?

7:48 Yes, Phillip Seymour Hoffman won! But doesn’t do the speech in the Capote voice. Lame.

7:55 John Travolta and Tom Cruise to star in Brokeback Thetans.

7:57 Okay, nevermind, I’m back to tanking my Oscar predictions.

7:58 “Two are English, two are American, one is South African-American. And they’re all white bitches.”

7:59 Reese still doesn’t sound anything like June. Rita: “I hate her.”

8:02 Ryan Phillipe is a choad.

8:03 Best tux of the night worn by Eve’s better half, Tim, classing up Zeke’s with his patent leather shoes.

8:08 Dustin Hoffman’s plastic surgeon should be arrested.

8:10 Props to Larry McMurtry for wearing jeans. That shit is hott.

8:12 Are Heath and Michelle an item? They’ve got their hands all over each other.

8:13 Uma just showed up from a zombie movie audition, apparently.

8:14 Crash and Geisha are getting a lot more hardware than I would have thought.

8:15 Jaysus, this game is going faster than a Felix Hernandez start.

8:18 Sigh, no love for the commies.

8:21 “Thank you, fictional gay cowboys. And the Chinese.”

8:22 What’s the over-under on how much coke Jack’s snorted tonight? I’m going with 2 grams after he mis-pronounce Capote.

8:23 Woah… Crash? Woah. Does this mean I have to watch it?

8:25 Who knew that rich white people were specially equipped to deal with complicated issues of race on the silver screen? Next thing you know, a bunch of heterosexuals are gonna make a movie about gay cowboys.

8:28 Jon should have tap danced off the stage to finish the show.

8:29 Cue sentimental wailing sax, annnnnnnd… we’re out.

That’s It?

Wow, I had at least two more hours in me. Now how do I come down from such excitement? It’s not like I can pick up an old boring book and read it, not after all of that. Give me another Dolly song, more Pimpin’, a dozen more tacky dresses, John Travolta’s amazing hair. And where the hell was Tom Cruise? We needed us some Tom Cruise.

Well, I guess I’ll rewind the tape and see where things went wrong. Thanks to Ed for putting this together. I’ll be calling on all of you to live blog the Major League Baseball All-Star Game in July. It should be about as exciting.

Last word from me …

Well it’s done. As I said yesterday … never again.

And finally…

Take care, fellow commentators!

The Final Tally

Here’s who contributed the most posts:

Edward Champion: 120 (Honestly, I had no idea!)
Kelly Link: 33
Gwenda Bond: 27
Michelle Richmond: 27
Jeff Bryant: 24

Another C+

I always get so excited by the Oscars and then I feel let down. It was no different this time.

Jon Stewart was funny, but the crowd never warmed to him, so the whole ceremony felt strained. The one exception might have been the fake commercials for Best Actresses. Those were a hoot.

There weren’t enough glamorous women and those with the real star power looked strange. What was Charlize Theron thinking with that big black bow? Reese Witherspoon looked the best, follwed by Salma Hayek.

These were all good movies, but I wasn’t rooting for any one in particular so I am not particularly thrilled by Crash’s win.

Thanks, Ed. It was diverting.

Good night and good luck

Thanks for the diversion from an otherwise completely lackluster Oscar night Ed!



At the moment Crash was announced Best Picture winner, we lost the blog. But we’re now back up.

Thank you to all the instigators who kindly offered their many thoughts and quips as the night went on. This was a fantastic little experiment and it wouldn’t have happened without the many authors who kindly volunteered their time and words to this blog.

Thank you also to all the commenters who offered their various thoughts and to all the lurkers who read as this went along.

I hope you all wake up with able heads tomorrow morning.

Thanks and all best,


Current Oscar Threat Level


what a surprise.


How fitting that that clunker of a movie was being announced as Best Picture and then this site decided to crash. I thought Ed had blocked me for a second.

best freudian slip

cathy schulman, thanking “my husband and my wife” as the music cues her out.

and Best Battle to Contain the Cleavage Overflow
the chick in the bright orange dress who was hanging out (& I do mean hanging out) with the Crash folks

Best Live Blog Host for Oscar Night 2006
EDWARD CHAMPION! You rock, dude.

Thank You, Ed!

I was just locked out for awhile, but I’m glad I got back in to thank you for a very fun Oscars despite the blandness of the actual show.

The mens

I couldn’t give a thank-you speech in Chinese, but really, Ang. Thanking the mens and womens?

Yay Ang Lee!

Such a beautiful man. I’m so glad he won. He made a wonderful movie. I think I’ve forgiven him now for The Hulk.

Jack Nicholson

I can wear sunglasses on stage, you can’t.

So very sleepy

Or is it the champagne? In any case, I’d like to thank our host. Thank you! I’d also like to thank my mother and also Annie Proulx and all of the booksellers in the world. And all of the black and white dresses. And all of the tiaras that Carson Dailey lent us to wear tonight.

So very sleepy

Or is it the champagne? In any case, I’d like to thank our host. Thank you! I’d also like to thank my mother and also Annie Proulx and all of the booksellers in the world. And all of the black and white dresses. And all of the tiaras that Carson Dailey lent us to wear tonight.

Ang Lee

The man who fucking killed the movie. Bah.


What was Tom Hanks mouthing as he came on stage?

Right now, Matt Dillon is leaning over asking “Who the fuck’s this Brecht dude?”

So Haggis’ writing partner just got totally screwed on what’s only the biggest night of his life. Fuckin’ Hollywood.

Still, ya gotta hand it to Haggis … Brecht and good deed-ism; I’m a sucker for that shit. Maybe we’ll have a Brecht-quoting 007.

And I’m 2 for 2. Wasn’t a tough call this year but Oscar can surprise.

Memorable speeches?!??!?!?!

Look, I’ve had my share of Belgian ale tonight, but…has there been a single memorable speech?

And I love Stewart, but the set pieces have had much more impact than the monologue. Am I right?

And yet I’m enjoying myself immeasurably…

Larry and Diana

Lonesome Dove is one of my all-time favorite books. Way to go, Larry! He and Diana really enlarged the original Annie Proulx story in a wonderful way. And then thanking the booksellers of the world.

best sexy presenter who makes everybody forget the category


okay, and I loved that thing McMurtry said about the culture of the book, but I gotta say, that dude is boring.


If Crash was the best “original” screenplay this year, then might this have been the weakest year ever for original screenplays?

Stop it with the pale gold.

Or blush colors or what have you. Why does every female star have to color coordinate? Okay, blondes, you’ll be wearing gold this year…

All hail, Salma and Michelle Williams.

Current Oscar Threat Level

Fuck Paul Haggis

Crash? Over Syriana? Okay, Haggis, you’ve drawn blood. \

I officially hate Paul Haggis now.

Uma Thurman

Going for the Bride of Frankenstein look.

Way to go Larry

Thanking booksellers! I fuckin’ love that guy.

And what, you guys couldn’t show a shot of Proulx?? You fuckers.

I’m 1 for 2 so far …

Hot List

I’m so glad to see Annie Proulx got an invite to the show. I also had no idea A History of Violence was based on a graphic novel.

Brokeback for best adapted screenplay

I read the short story that the film was based on, and I think they really did justice to it. It was almost exactly the same, but they added good stuff to it and edited it well. The movie brought the story to life beautifully. Huzzah and kudos!

Annie Proulx

Invisible? Or just not worth showing? Or secretly Ang Lee?

Adapted Screenplay


Larry…the Cable Guy?

Nice pants!

best self-congratulations since sally field…

And the award goes to Reese Witherspoon, for the line she won’t get to live down, “I’m just tryin’ ta matter.” Okay, I know June said it, but I bet June said it a bit differently. Don’t get me wrong, I’m GLAD Reese won, but I have to say can’t these Southern girls give up their, “I’m just a little ole gal from Tennessee” act when they’re accepting the Oscars? Remember Ashley Judd’s, “I’m just a little ole country girl?” Uh, I think when you make millions of dollars per picture, you no longer qualify as a little ole anything, no matter how many days you went barefoot as a kid.


Was there a bong backstage?

Jeff Points Out First Veiled Diss of The Night

Jeff Vandermeer pointed out that Reese’s “Real woman” comment was most likely, a jab at Felicity’s performance in “TransAmerica”.

Dustin Hoffman?

Does anyone else note the irony of the star of Tootsie - one of the great “writer killer” projects of all time – awarding this one? Ask Bill Goldman what he thought of Dustin’s improv on Marathon Man … yeesh … And yet he’ll talk about how important the writer is. Pass me the air sickness bag.

Her Head Makes a Perfect Triangle

I wasn’t overwhelmed with her performance in Walk the Line, but hey, she gave a shout-out to T-Bone Burnett, so I’m glad she won.

Best Actress Speech

I think it’s traditional for the Best Actress to make a sucky, sucky speech. But that was even more incoherent than most.

Best Actress Speech

I think it’s traditional for the Best Actress to make a sucky, sucky speech. But that was even more incoherent than most.


OKay, shut the frell up now, forehead.


“Come on, honey. Just get the damn speech over with so we can go home.”


Just don’t let Quentin Tarantino find out where you’re at, girl, because “Quentin Tarantino makes his women wild and mean…”

“A Real Woman”

Wow. Reese Witherspoon wins the Oscar and then disses Felicity and Transamerica by saying her (Reese’s) character was a “real woman”. Very classy. ;)


Worst performance in an acceptance speech: “I didn’t expect to be here!”

Current Oscar Threat Level

Yay, Reese!

I loved Walk the Line! And this is a much better dress than the one she wore to the last awards ceremony.

Best Actress

Judi Dench: Looks intense, slightly sour.

Charlize Theron: Yeah, I kicked ass with my peformance, but I’ve already won an Osar, you see.

Keira Knightley: Maybe I’ll win, but I’m still young.

Felicity Huffmann: Hey, Bill, let me clap, why dont’cha?

Reese Witherspoon: Smiles, noncommited response.

And the Oscar goes to….Reese Witherspoon.

oscar sleeps through the oscars

So, my son Oscar, who usually goes to bed at 6:00 and gets up twice before eight, has slept through the ENTIRE show. That kid’s got taste. Oh, no, okay, there he goes.

Great Dane?

“Four of them are fine ladies and one of them is a great dame?” Harsh.

the scientologists made me wear this

What’s up with John Travolta’s tie? And is it me or is his head looking a bit, um, squarish?

Hoffman Movie Contracts

The E! entertainment website is now reporting that Hoffman has signed on to do Flipper: The Return, Goonies 5, and a remake of Patch Adams.

Consolation Prize

Cinematography to Geisha? It’s looking increasingly like Brokeback for screenplay will be the consolation award …

Best Cinematography

Memoirs of a Geisha. Well, another surprise!

Wally Fister Pfister

Someone had to say it.


Is his hair painted on?


Granted, this is well-deserved and all. But I hope this doesn’t mean that the Hoffmann who gave us such indelible performances in Happiness, Owning Mahoney and Boogie Nights isn’t dead. I’m hoping that Hoffmann is sensible enough to play his cards right and bring truly meaningful characters to the limelight. I’m hoping that this means that Hoffmann isn’t above appearing in an independent film or the like. Although I suspect that that Hoffmann is, in some manner, quite dead.

The red carpet at night


everyone is still inside. Go PSH!

He Was Truly Channeling Capote

Didn’t his mother tell him to look at the audience while speaking?

if I could cry

while watching the oscars, it would be for that line, “ma, w’ere at the party.” Go Philip!


another really deserving win!

PSH has March Madness?

Who knew?

The Oscars are sooo over.

Trying to sustain this format for a presentation show in the 21st century is a fool’s task.

Yup, that’s what I think.

Happy Happy

It must be an amazing thing to win for a film you made with two of your oldest friends.

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