Update from Zeke’s, pt. IV

There’s just so many people I’d like to thank. Edward, for being there for me and giving me a creative outlet. Eve, for making sure I got a glass of beer from that pitcher. Rita, for chiming in and watching the laptop. Sarah and Greg for laughing at my lame jokes. Chris for wanting a 24 year old girlfriend. But most of all I’d like to thank the Academy for being a bunch of rich, uptight motherfuckers. Without you, none of this would have been funny.

7:25 Academy president: “What on earth are those negroes saying?”

7:26 We need a black person laughing. Cut to Jamie Foxx on three.

7:28 Sarah H., regarding Jennifer Garner: “Mom boobs.”

7:30 I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: Andy Serkis is the new Anthony Edwards.

7:30 George Clooney: “Give my father’s campaign some money, bitches.”

7:31 Big applause for the following recent corpses here at Zeke’s: Noriyuki “Pat” Morita, Anne Bancroft, Richard Pryor.

7:39 Average American at home: “I ain’t seen none of these furrin’ films.”

7:42 Oscar for Best Audrey Hepburn Impersonation: Ziyi Zhang.

7:45 Gay negroes who love Jews: Funny, because it’s true.

7:46 Terrence Howard gets the respect of silence here at Zeke’s.

7:47 Had to work that cocaine reference in. It is, after all, Hollywood.

7:47 They used the same Straithairn clip for best picture, no?

7:48 Yes, Phillip Seymour Hoffman won! But doesn’t do the speech in the Capote voice. Lame.

7:55 John Travolta and Tom Cruise to star in Brokeback Thetans.

7:57 Okay, nevermind, I’m back to tanking my Oscar predictions.

7:58 “Two are English, two are American, one is South African-American. And they’re all white bitches.”

7:59 Reese still doesn’t sound anything like June. Rita: “I hate her.”

8:02 Ryan Phillipe is a choad.

8:03 Best tux of the night worn by Eve’s better half, Tim, classing up Zeke’s with his patent leather shoes.

8:08 Dustin Hoffman’s plastic surgeon should be arrested.

8:10 Props to Larry McMurtry for wearing jeans. That shit is hott.

8:12 Are Heath and Michelle an item? They’ve got their hands all over each other.

8:13 Uma just showed up from a zombie movie audition, apparently.

8:14 Crash and Geisha are getting a lot more hardware than I would have thought.

8:15 Jaysus, this game is going faster than a Felix Hernandez start.

8:18 Sigh, no love for the commies.

8:21 “Thank you, fictional gay cowboys. And the Chinese.”

8:22 What’s the over-under on how much coke Jack’s snorted tonight? I’m going with 2 grams after he mis-pronounce Capote.

8:23 Woah… Crash? Woah. Does this mean I have to watch it?

8:25 Who knew that rich white people were specially equipped to deal with complicated issues of race on the silver screen? Next thing you know, a bunch of heterosexuals are gonna make a movie about gay cowboys.

8:28 Jon should have tap danced off the stage to finish the show.

8:29 Cue sentimental wailing sax, annnnnnnd… we’re out.

Comments

  1. March 6th, 2006 | 1:25 am

    [...] Update from Zeke’s, pt. IV [...]

  2. Sarah
    March 6th, 2006 | 11:45 am

    Heath and Michelle have been together for a while now – they have a kid together.

  3. March 6th, 2006 | 2:38 pm

    Yeah, I think that would be what we call… a joke.

  4. curz
    March 8th, 2006 | 10:04 pm

    LOL, that was the funniest thing i’ve read all year. i love this. ;;