Current Oscar Threat Level

Collateral Damage

I was thinking about bailing on the Oscars because after all Sundays are all about The Simpsons. But guess what? Fox isn’t even running a rerun tonight. Instead, the network decided to air Bad Boys II. Gah.

I guess I’ve made it this long.

Oh yea! Hoffman won!

Capote!!!

Yes!

PSH for Best Actor

Well, if this wasn’t predictable, I don’t know what was.

Yeah, What Michelle Said

About acceptance speeches —plus the guy can direct, see how the camera man put the camera on the young black leads when the Afrikaaner told them to…

best drunk guy whose speech goes on too long

the film editor of crash, the guy with the funky glasses

Best Actor

Two-time Oscar winner (and available single) Hilary Swank. And here we have serious material, at long last. Best Actor, folks. Let’s roll.

Best Ad Lib — so far

Stewart, “That’s how you celebrate an winning an Oscar!”

Hughs Winborne

Clooney thought he could fool us if he wore big black glasses.

Nice try.

If I Were Producer….

Ziyi Zhang would kick Will Smith’s ass or something.

best acceptance speech

tie: the Tsotsi guy and the 36 mafia

Tsotsi

for those who are keeping score, I finally guessed one.

Some Films Are More Equal Than Others

So if you’re a foreign film, you get a rotating billboard, but no clips. What the hell?

Will

Was that the infamous clowning we heard about earlier from Jada?

what about don knotts?

no mention? that is so lame!

What Happened to Mr. Limpet?

The folks I’m watching with (I just arrived, bearing wine) want to know why Don Knotts was excluded from the Dead People Montage. Is this only for people who died in 2005? Or something more sinister afoot?

I’m down with the pimps, by the way …

Tab Energy? A Woman’s drink?

The rest of the evening will just be more profound questions…

Current Oscar Threat Level

These guys…

…need to hire the guy who wrote Die Hard. To get the pacing right. Ya got almost dead people and then dead people. Put a couple more awards in between the two!

Most Popular Dead Celebrities

Barbara Bel Geddes: Fairly noisy.

Brock Peters: Slightly more noisy.

Shelley Winters: Very noisy.

Anne Bancroft: Over the top.

Eddie Albert: Great love.

Robert Wise: Somewhat noisy.

Richard Pryor: Very noisy.

Bring out your dead

These dead celebrity montages are so awkward. I feel bad for the dead people who don’t get much or any applause. Or, maybe people clap loudly when they’re glad that someone’s dead?

Worst phrase-mongering of the evening…

“Unconditional creative collaboration”: Synonym for unconditional love?

“Crew-friendly” pipe tobacco: TM David Strathairn.

and of course,

“State of the heart.”

p.s. I think Jon’s hitting his stride after choking on the monologue. Just like Sasha Cohen, he had to fall twice and now he’s plugging for the silver. Go, little Juliet, go.

Sandra Dee died?

Who knew?

Don Knotts

Got in just under the wire?

More Dead People?

Is this Montage of the Dead Part II or did I imagine the first one?

It’s the Clap for the Dead Popularity Contest!

Uncomfortable.

Bring Out Your Dead

The dead actors montage.

Set Design

Am I the only one looking at that 78 sign and expecting someone to whip out a turntable?

He was right!

Johnny Carson nailed it , “The Oscars are 2 hours of entertainment wrapped into a four hour show.”

Does this audience appreciate…

…what they’re getting? These set pieces done as political commercials are brilliant. They actually made sound editing fun.

Thank you Jesus

He had to wait a long, long time for his props. So did Donny Ienner.

Colbert, Colbert, Colbert

We love him.

And Dolly, because she looked so excited when they won. Dolly doesn’t need your Oscar — she has a theme park.

dreidel off

that was funny!

Jennifer Garner

Hello, I have cleavage too. Not as prodigious as Dolly’s, but it’s cleavage nonetheless.

Jennifer Garner

Wow.

Dolly

I’m convinced that if she had burning cars and crazed choreography, she would have won. A conspiracy, I tell you!

Dolly Got Pimped

Ah well.

best way to wear the curves, baby!

a tie, salma hayek and queen latifah

Ludacris

Proving that the terminally inarticulate can win awards too.

Amazing

the song that was just performed wins. Is this a first?

PIMP!!!!!

It’s all worth while now.

Big pimpin’

That wasn’t bad…I don’t know why they had to turn it into a musical dance number, or change bitch with witch, but whatever. It’s the most lively thing that’s been on the stage all night!

Queen Latifah used to be a rapper, too, you know.

In all seriousness, that was awesome.

Pimp

If the Hustle and Flow Pimp song doesn’t win, I’ll be very, very sad. Well, okay, not so sad.

We’re here eating strawberries with chocolate, drinking Belgian beer, and eating French goat cheese on crackers. It’s hard to be sad.

It’s hard out here for a pimp.

word.

I’m not bored anymore.

Well, okay, the song is over. I’m bored again.

Hard Out Here for a Pimp

Oh my God! This almost exactly reproduces the way my living room looks right at this moment.

Amazong . . .

Current Oscar Threat Level

Luda + Shaft + Three 6 Mafia =

Crazy delicious.

(BTW, Crunchy Black is one of the best names in rap.)

Ludacris

He’s had two and a half hours to get the ego out of his system. And it hasn’t entirely cleared.

The flashing lights have made me pine for a deity.

Update from Zeke’s, pt. III

6:36 “I’m Sam L. Jackson, and I’m qualified to present films about oppressed communities because I’m black. Also, I used to be a crack addict.”

6:41 Finally, Jon Stewart hits his stride.

6:43 “DVDs are evil! Which is why everyone in the Academy has received a gross of screeners in the last three months.”

6:45 Salma, will you stop tweezing your eyebrows and marry me?

6:46 Damn, I thought it would internationally acclaimed violinist Isaac Mizrahi.

6:47 Poor Perlman. He’s doing a medley, people. A medley!

6:51 Jessica Alba: Not nude in playboy. But maybe, just maybe, nude tonight.

6:52 I just want to see Phillip Seymour Hoffman break into the Capote voice once.

6:57 Way to pick the big bowtie to make your ginormous head look proportional, Jake.

6:57 Did the theater chains threaten to break the Academy’s kneecaps if they didn’t pimp the big screen?

7:00 Oooh, Jessica has a nice piece of arm candy. Dress? Meh.

7:01 Hate to admit it, but this is the closest Jessica will ever get to an Oscar.

7:03 Kong for sound mixing: I should have given Eve that ten dollars, I’m back in black on the Oscar pool. Still, a moral victory would be sweet.

7:04 How do the unscripted moments on the Oscar come off more stagey than a middle school pageant?

7:06 I though Robert Altman promised to leave the country if Bush was re-elected?

7:07 “He’s a satirist, he’s a sage, he butchered Raymond Carver.”

7:10 Eagle-eyed Rita wonders if just spotted one or more Olsen twins in the audience…

7:13 Man, I wish I had TiVO.

7:14 Robert Altman harvests the organs of ingenues.

what I ate while watching the Oscars (so far)

green salad with grilled chicken
a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream
two pieces of sourdough toast
a square of chocolate bar
three olives
the leftovers from my son Oscar’s Gerber’s peaches
…and I’m just getting started, my friends

No wonder I always feel fat the day after the Academy Awards

Sandra Bullock’s Slip

In answer to a prior question, as my friend Paul Larsen said, “Bullock’s slip is showing.” Just above rather than below.

Jeff

Altman

I’d be willing to sacrifice a thirty-year-old every so often to keep him going indefinitely. Who’s with me?

red

Robert Altman’s wife’s bouffant is, like, so red. I feel obliged to mention the obvious here, as I realize three of my previous posts were about hair, which means I’m preoccupied with irrelevancies.

Robert Altman

The man has definitely had this coming. And, by Jove, he’s classy as hell, particularly with the sand castle metaphor.

Hallucination?

Christopher Rowe says: “I think I just saw Pat Cadigan in the audience.”

Lily Tomlin – Meryl Streep

Their Altman tribute was fabulous and funny and awkward and smart. Just like us. Here on this blog.

Joaquin Phoenix

just said that he loves us. I loved Walk the Line.

Tom Waits!

Now we’re cooking. Of course, it was two seconds before it’s back to…the Oscars. They should have let Tom Waits hum the score montage.

Tom Waits

Seeing Tom Waits in a montage is almost enough to turn this all around for me.

Lily Tomlin – Meryl Streep

Their Altman tribute was fabulous and funny and smart.

Peyote Buttons

Well, whatever was left of the Red States after the co-star from Brokeback Mountain is now gone.

Tomlin & Streep

This is just what my aunts are like after a coupla bottles wine. I like it.

Current Threat Level

Hello, I’m Trying to Be Cute

Meryl and Lily. Were ever two talents wasted like this?

Sorry boys

Jessica Alba looks like an idiot. When you go to the Superbowl, do you dress like a football? No. And when you go to the Oscars, don’t dress like the damn statue.

Montages

How long till the leaked celebrity sex tape montage?

Who’s Cuter?

Jake or Maggie Gaylealivveallayaravialla? OR Are they the same person?

The Unshaven Motif

Look, I’m frequently a lazy bastard myself, but if you’re going to the trouble to present at the Oscars, shouldn’t you at least shave? Jake G: unshaven. Ryan Phillipe: unshaven. A few others: unshaven.

Overheard at the O.P. here:

from Karen Fowler: “Are we going to have _another_ montage?” And then, indignantly: “These are not spectacles! These are musicals.”

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