There's been some ideas floating around that the content here is, for the most part, angry. At the risk of coming across as Pat Nixon on the eve of the Checkers speech, about to have her private privations forever public to the eyes of the world, the confusion probably has something to do with the fact that most of the entries here are composed in too swift a time (usually, no more than five minutes). Many of them are laden with mistakes (grammatical, tonal and factual), largely because a certain subterfuge is involved. And the purported hypergraphia is borne, yes, out of the need to write, thus keeping a certain afternoon sangfroid, but also because there are too many ideas which I cannot stop from floating around my mind. (And unlike the Dear Hag, who is doing quite well and deserves several hip hip hurrahs, there is no medication involved, only ruthless decision-making and fortitude common to the medicated and the unmedicated alike.)
But noting ideas and associations without a way to ensure that the best ones rise to the top is a poor excuse for a weblog, particularly when the associations are crudely formed or are, in many cases, mostly worthless, no greater really than some rudimentary remark one would jot down in a notebook, and particularly when the execution, challenged by some tedious task, is confined to a matter of minutes. This is, I suspect, why the perceived "anger" has manifested itself here and why, in maintaining the mein from a comical standpoint, it often eludes my attentions and frequently flurries outside my control.
To those who continue to search for clues, I salute you beyond compare.
But I am coming to understand just how much this leaves something to be desired.
This emphasis on prolificity is probably a bad idea. That one unpleasant, energy-sapping task should be swapped for another that offers this short-term, but ultimately unfulfilling relief is mediocre time management and a terrible priority of one's goals.
I have long thought and wrestled with this conundrum. It keeps me up all hours. (Well, this and many other things. Forgive the obliqueness.) Although lately, I have abstained from much coffee (and even alcohol -- I did not drink even last night) in an effort to sleep better and come to some determination with total lucidity. I suspect it's a matter of the three-month shakes kicking in -- a personal revelation of my current standing in life and yet another illusion to maintain. But I am wondering if any of this actually gets me closer.
Or it may very well be that I'm burned out, that peripheral factors now drain my energies over useless reasons, and that I hope to return to unbridled output -- if that is the conclusion of the judge and jury.
I will only say that I have become increasingly bothered by the fact that too many of my neighbors take this stuff seriously. Either I have overestimated the way others perceive things or (more likely) I am an inept blogger or a terrible communicator. But there are better things one can do with one's time. Really. One need not be connected every time, all the time, lest the beauties of other people and the world be forever lost to the technophile's eternally plugged eyes.
The future of this site (and more important things) will be decided upon this weekend, where I will dealing with other things and I will be incommunicado. It may disappear. I may hold silence for an unspecified time. Or I may return as if nothing has happened, though with a different emphasis.
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