Edward Champion's Return of the Reluctant

A Change of Mind

Yesterday, the Senate passed a bill that makes harming a fetus a separate federal crime. Now I've spent the past three years getting angry about the Bush Administration. The result has been higher blood pressure, looking at the world in Manichean terms, futile efforts to convert conservatives, and repeated mastubation while downloading photos of Laura Bush and Condy Rice (available to the public through the grand porn kings at whitehouse.gov). Because let's face the facts. Laura Bush and Condy Rice aren't bad people. The First Lady does read books when she's not fawning over George with her Betty Crocker histrionics, legs up in the air on Pennsylvania Avenue, a doe bathed in headlights as our grand inarticulate runner-cum-leader pounds her raw with a cultural poetry of his own. And Condy Rice, while not as hot as Halle Berry, does have great legs. You could never say that about Tony Lake or Sam Berger. So if I can't agree with these two ladies on the issues, then I can certainly find some common ground by letting off a few loads. And you can too! Just pull your pants down and spend a few minutes with Laura or Condy. Don't forget the Kleenex! It's good for you and it's good for America.

The chronic masturbation is, of course, ultimately about optimism. But, more importantly, it's about finding my place. America is becoming a man's world. And to paraphrase the John Birch Society, it's about goddam time. If I can't quite put women into that second-tier position, the way that the Senate can without a second thought, then certainly I can find some misogynistic inroad into Capitol Hill in my own way.

It's an effort to exist within this general state of helplessness, while emitting steam (or, in this case, something else). If other Americans can smile and nod without question as women's rights are stripped away, then certainly I can find a way to do the same by throwing a few jisms into the fray. It should be obvious by now to anyone that living here is about pulling yourself up by your bootstraps and not complaining. Meritocracy. Period. The kind of kvetching you see out of ANSWER (who, despite that silly acronym, never seem to have a solution) and the like is for losers, the people who don't close the deals and who remain strangely interested in the downtrodden or the humanities. Why care about these vermin? It doesn't pay. Everybody knows that you trample atop others to get into that higher income bracket, or you become one of those loonies looking for a handout. You live in America and you sow your oats. It's as clear as can be. This is, after all, "one nation under God with liberty and justice for all." And if we're looking at that mantra from hard semantics, then that "liberty and justice" should include these pesky little fetuses.