But I’m only a much-maligned, yet still unknown (is that a contradiction) writer.

Ugh. That. Word. Writer.

It means I can’t get published. Why.

Because “they” won’t publish me.

So. How to get published. That eternal list of silly rules. How to break them.

What’s an e-book. People have been screaming e-book at me for some time. I have no idea what they’re talking about.

I used to be in publishing. Awful business. A publisher once offered to give me her company. For certain “favors.” I was younger then.

I wish I could be around in a hundred years to see what became of the idea of the book.

People say it’s digital. People say it’s paper. I say it’s an idea and usually not a good one.

My question is: Can the writer prostitute himself as well with an e-book as he/she can with paper.

Will we be treated as badly by the e-publisher as we are now by the p-publisher.

All I want to do is write. But I find myself running around the world with my video camera chasing stories I don’t understand or want to (it’s too much work). In a hundred years, you will turn the e-book on, and the story will…

Be something. Do something. Jump off the page. Contain symbols. Maybe moving images. Maybe still ones. Sound. I don’t know. You don’t know. No one does.

I know this: It is easier to get your work out there today even if you have to publish it yourself (I have no pride whatsoever) than it ever used to be because technology…

I don’t know what technology does. I can barely work it. I say press every button.

Every button. Try to find a hot one.

Will we be able to poke e-publishers in the eye.

I say: Do you have any money.

They say: Go away we’re e-book publishers if we had any money we’d be doing paper.

Oh.

I still can’t get published.

I still want your money.

Meanwhile, I’m all over the Internet entertaining Other Trained Monkeys.

I’m free. Why should you buy my e-book if you can get me for free in a thousand obscure places even Google can’t find.

Truthfully (I deplore that word), I do not want your money. It would come with strings.

I want a publisher.

I want his money.