American Prospect: “It’s easy to mistake Pynchon’s jittery, inventive monologues and his resentment of social order for the ramblings of a stoner hippie. But if Pynchon is a hippie he also drank his Protestantism deeply, and his sense of ineffable divinity sits uneasily alongside the certainty Christianity Americans often profess.” (Thanks, Kári!)
Month / January 2007
Reasons Why I Won’t Read an Author
Justine Larbalestier lists some reasons why she won’t read certain writers. Well, fair is fair. Being of clean hands and sound disposition, I thought it might be helpful to offer a few hard rules of my own:
- If the author turns out a 2,000 page book and follows it up with a small chapbook, then I am convinced that the 2,000 page book was all the author had in him. Come on, Author! If you can write a 2,000 page book, certainly you can write at least a 300 page followup.
- If I can imagine the writer having sex with Dudley Moore, no way, Jose. I won’t touch the author with a ten foot pole. I thought the short, belated comedian to be a talented man, but I get a very queasy feeling whenever I imagine him having carnal relations with a novelist. Granted, this association has only happened six times in my life.
- If the author’s name forms an anagram reading “Cthulhu Sucks,” she doesn’t stand a chance.
- The author’s name is Steve Almond.
- If the author has tracked down my home address, stormed into my apartment when I’m away and hidden in my closet, only to duct tape me to my bed and tighten my testicles into a painful Dutch knot as I’m asleep, it’s safe to say that I’m likely to pass on the author’s future volumes.
- I have a restraining order against the author.
- If a publicist has sent me thirty-six copies of the author’s latest book, then I will put the author’s name on my Nixon-style Enemies List. At present time, the Enemies List consists of two names. And these two authors are no longer living.
- The author insists on collecting a lock of my hair. (What hair?)
- I won’t read authors who leave the toilet seat up.
- I won’t read authors who fart at the dinner table. (And to determine if the author has, in fact, done this, I require three separate incidents, all reported by unimpeachable sources. I take into account the fart’s decibel level and its wind trajectory.)
- I won’t read authors who send me manuscripts written in their own blood, urine or feces (particularly all three).
- I might read an author who wants me to suck his cock, for I’m easily humbled. But if he forces me to go down on him or points a video camera at me as he asks me to go down on him, then I cannot read his work, for I will be reminded of his throbbing penis on every page.
- I will not read an author if he feels that Lima beans are tasty.
- I will not read him in a house, I will not read him here or there, I will not read him anywhere.
I hope you catch my drift.
So there you have it, readers. Clear transparency. That’ll show the mainstream media! I don’t think I’m being too unreasonable, do you?
There Are Few Men Who Can Make Old Spice Compelling, But Bruce Campbell Does
Meanwhile, In Non-AMS News…
- Adrienne Martini on Octavia Butler. (via Bookslut)
- Callie Miller offers a poetry appreciation week. I’m hoping to find time to contribute something, but do feel free to participate.
- Dan Green serves up a fiction blog.
- A.I. Bezzerides, who wrote the great overlooked film noir Thieves’ Highway (thankfully now available through Criterion after many years of being unavailable in any video format), has passed away.
- HarperCollins has doled out a shitload of money for Vikram Chandra’s Sacred Games. A million dollar advance and a $300,000 marketing budget. Is there any way that this 916-page epic will make its money back?
- Jeffrey Archer has written the Gospel according to Judas. I suspect this book came quite naturally to Archer.
- Goodbye Sobol. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
- Ed Park has photos of Brazilian book racks.
- Need something that will have you clamoring for a cold shower? Screech’s Sex Tape Follies is a good start.
- Tod Goldberg finds out what happens to publicists with cross-pollinating interests.
- Rake on “fatherhood writing”: “Somehow, we’re suffering from a spate of fellows who’ve struggled to the conclusion that parenthood is a mixed blessing, yet are dumb enough to think that this isn’t common knowledge, and, unfortunately, maintain just enough intelligence and dexterity to bang away at a computer keyboard. This is a highly dangerous mixture of persistent and stupid, found generally in drug mules, sportswriters at mid-market newspapers, traders of Dave Matthews Band live boots, and dudes who hang barbells from their junk in-between acts at Ozzfest.”
- Terry Teachout has some helpful hints for publicists on how to get reviewed.
- Now we’ll never know exactly how and where to score Scooby snacks, or precisely what substances these delicacies were laced with. Only Iwao Takamoto knew the answer.
- Drawn & Quarterly will publish Lynda Barry’s first new book since 2002.
- A Swedish librarian fashion show? I…I…mah…my…ergh…uh…is there a librarian foreign exchange in place? (via Bookshelves of Doom)
- Heh. (via Bookninja)
- After 16 years in San Francisco, Keith Knight’s going Hollywood.
- Well, this new blog discovered by Linda gets my vote for coolest new litblog title.
- The first few minutes of Idiocracy. (via The Creekside Review)
- William Boyd’s Restless has won the
WhitbreadCosta. - Orhan Pamuk was
queeneditor for a day for a Turkish newspaper, devoting the coverage to oppressed artists. (via Isak) - George Saunders solicits your help. (via Maud)
- John Leonard on Tillie Olsen. (via The Mumpsimus)
Today in AMS (1/9/07)
- Another roundup from Galleycat, including this statement (PDF) issued yesterday by PGW President Rich Freese. Freese asserts that the publishers are the owners of the inventory in the Indianapolis warehouse and that he’s cutting COD checks for post-petition payments. (I don’t believe the first assertion was ever in question. Then again, it’s Freese’s ass against the wall.) Well, that’s great, Rich, but what about pre-petition payments? You know, those monies PGW owes the publishers from October, November, and December? Well, that’s where a motion filed on January 5th comes in. The motion hopes to give PGW publishes “Critical Vendor status” and pay out these amounts sometime this month. Even if this motion passes, however, this still doesn’t ensure that the monies paid out won’t be “pennies on the dollar” payments. Again, as I pointed out in my initial post, PGW is going to need a lot more than $75 million to handle that.
- Meanwhile, Publishers Weekly has opened its doors to speculation on what can be done to change the current publishing industry model.
- There’s still nothing concrete on yesterday’s PW rumor that AMS was planning to sell out PGW. If you have any leads, drop me an email.
- Rachel Kramer Bussel reprints an email from Best Lesbian Erotica editor Tristan Taormino. In an effort to make up lost revenue, Cleis Press is offering a winter sale.
- More on the Quarto setback, which appears not to be as severe as previously reported, from This is Money. Broker Collins Stewart has remarked that AMS was only 3% of Quarto’s total sales.
- Meanwhile, former PGW employee Erica Mulkey writes: “I don’t know how I feel about this. It seemed inevitable, but what sucks is that yeah, PGW management has been weak and ineffective for a long time, at least since Mark Ouimet left, possibly since Charlie left, but PGW was essentially a Good Company. AMS (who bought PGW in 2001, or was it early 2002?) has been unprofessional and poorly managed to an unbelievable degree this whole time, and everyone knew it. Anytime AMS tried to interfere with PGW it was debacle after clusterfuck after shitstorm.”