1. No jokes about the white suit or my hired minions beat you up.
2. You must refer to me as “Charlotte Simmons” rather than “Tom Wolfe.”
3. For every autograph granted, you must sign an agreement in which you will never utter a bad word about my novel. Failure to utter hosannas about my genius will involve expensive litigation through Farrar.
4. Bonfire of the Vanities? There was no Bonfire of the Vanities, nor was there A Man in Full.
5. I invented gonzo journalism and you didn’t.
6. Don’t ask for an unnecessary exclamation point from me. The book speaks for itself! It’s just “Tom Wolfe,” not “With love, from Tom Wolfe” or “To my dearest Bertha, Tom Wolfe.” Stop adoring me, buy my book and leave me alone!

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