The Independent reports that perhaps the most important intellectual battle of our time is being waged in Le Monde: Is Harry Potter a capitalist neo-liberal sellout? Or is he against globalization? Who knew that J.K. Rowling was a grand seer in the tradition of L. Frank Baum?

Next up: Is Spongebob Squarepants a Marxist or a Trotskist? Do the Teletubbies represent a failed 1970s commune more effectively than T.C. Boyle’s Drop City?

(And in a somewhat related matter, Rowling’s fessed that she pulled her character names from phone books.)

Sylvia van Bell has published her first book. She has demanded a professional masseuse and personal trainer, hair and makeup throughout the book tour, and 215 bottles of Evian in every hotel room.

She’s nine years old.

Tupac Shakur has officially replaced Shakespeare in Worchester, MA. Frances Arena made the swap because it’s “popular with the kids.” While this concerns us, we don’t think this is the sign of the apocalypse. That will happen when learning how to construct a cherry bomb replaces a week of chemistry.

Scott Bakker finished The Warrior Prophet, the second book in the Prince of Nothing trilogy, in a year. But not without defending the outline for his PhD dissertation, teaching pop culture and composition, and planning a wedding. He took one day off, but that was to see The Lord of the Rings.

Clearly, we need to finish up our three volume, 6,000 page biography on little-known Ashcan artist George Spackle, defending Mr. Spackle’s legacy and with a sizable portion pointing out the influence of He Came Home Depressed With A Sliced Banana in the Corner of His Mouth on contemporary comics, by the end of the year.

Nelson DeMille has lost a prenup battle with his ex-wife. What does this mean? No doubt more unreadable hack novels into the Costco piles to compensate for Nelson’s financial shortfall. Thank you, Mrs. DeMille.