Author / DrMabuse

by DrMabuse

“Checkpoint” Excerpt

After all the hoopla, Return of the Reluctant has managed to nab an exclusive excerpt from Nicholson Baker’s Checkpoint:

Ben: You can’t be serious.

Jay: Oh yes, I am. I’m going to beat the shit out of the president. I’m going to bite off his earlobes and then pull his teeth out as slowly as possible. But only after I spend hours tickling him, just after I use his sternum as a footstool.

Ben: Isn’t that a bit much?

Jay: No. Not at all. He is President Bush and he is wrong.

Ben: Shouldn’t you spend your time dwelling upon the details of a stapler or contemplating how newspapers are disappearing in libraries? Or why not some nice memoir about John Updike?

Jay: No. You mistake me for a character in another book. The unseen god, whom we will not dare to mention here, for postmodernism is dead, along with irony. Besides, the god wrote those stories in simpler times. Today, in 2004, months before an election, I am Jay, the star of Checkpoint, and I wish to make a loud and resounding point.

Ben: But your god doesn’t even look like Lenny Bruce.

Jay: If Lenny Bruce would have lived longer, he would have lost his hair as quickly as our daddy.

Ben: We’re living in a work of fiction?

Jay: Yes.

Ben: No real threats?

Jay: No, but I dream of hitting the president’s knees with a golf club.

Ben: He’s a bad man, but I think someone could use a hug.

Jay: You just don’t understand. Follow the footnote that leads to the 4,000 word history of the chocolate chip cookie, and you will see all.

by DrMabuse

The Reluctant Index

For the record, my TCCI is 54%. Teachout’s damn crazy is he thinks he’s going to get us to eat anchovies or give up James Joyce or pomo, let alone deny the kickass Rio Bravo or choose Steely Dan (!) over Elvis Costello.

In response to the TCCI, I present the Reluctant Index. Answer these questions:

  • Edible underwear or underworn edibles?
  • Trotsky or Guevara?
  • Hunter S. Thompson or Dan Rather?
  • Punk rock or bubble gum pop?
  • Freezing to death or burning to death?
  • 69 or 666?
  • Being caught letting loose a fart in public or being caught letting loose a belch in public?
  • Joe vs. the Volcano: yes or no?

Tally your score by counting left and right answers. Then divide the left score by three without using paper or a calculator. If the final count is more than 0.00005, you’re okay in my book.

by DrMabuse

The War on Pornography

shurtleff.jpgUtah Attorney General Mark Shurtleff has declared a War on Pornography. At the exact moment of declaration, Shurtleff’s right hand froze permanently into an upward Ur-Seig Heil position, so as to prevent any conflict of interest with his lower anatomy. His subscription to Hustler was cancelled and the State of Utah will be very careful about the motels Mr. Shurtleff stays in. Aggravating matters was Mr. Shurtleff’s mouth, now permanently locked into a rictus. Ms. Shurtleff’s assistants plan to feed him bottles of Gerber while the proud general conducts his war against the most American of trades. (via MeFi)