Month / April 2009

by Edward Champion

Amazon and Jimmy Kimmel Team Up

kimmelAmazon’s Jeff Bezos and Jimmy Kimmel announced a new strategic partnership for a device that they have styled the Amazon Kimmel. Both parties believe that there continues to be unprecedented interested in anything that Jimmy Kimmel is involved with, and they have decided to test the marketplace.

The Amazon Kimmel will retail for $399 and contain every known image, video clip, and article that references Jimmy Kimmel. The long battery life, together with the lack of an on-off switch, will ensure that all Amazon Kimmel customers are constantly subjected to Jimmy Kimmel. The Amazon Kimmel can be programmed to lull customers to sleep with Kimmel’s voice. There will also be an optional Sarah Silverman app that can be purchased for $49, which will break up the relentless Kimmel bombardment with various messages explaining why Silverman is such a treacherous bitch.

Amazon is still negotiating with Ben Affleck over the Amazon Kimmel’s potential as a user-interactive sex device. It is believed that any reference to Matt Damon will be elided from the information available.

by Edward Champion

Nielsen Hayden-KKK Connections Uncovered

kkknh

In the latest Racefail development, bloggers have uncovered numerous connections between Patrick and Teresa Nielsen Hayden and the Ku Klux Klan, further calling into question the paucity of non-Caucasian speculative fiction writers. In May 2008, the Nielsen Haydens attended three KKK rallies in southern Kentucky. Clandestine recordings of these events reveal that the couple were among the more vocal participants in the “Tar the Darkies” part of these rituals, with Patrick shouting, “Yeah! I’d do that to Delany,” and Teresa reportedly crying, “It’s a good thing that Octavia is dead!”

It remains unknown whether the Nielsen Haydens’s extracurricular activities had any bearing on their editorial decisions at Tor. But Teresa Nielsen Hayden has been reportedly taken a hiatus as Boing Boing moderator as these claims continue to be investigated. This temporary suspension has not stopped her from leaving the following comment on a post titled “DRM is Evil! It Can Never Be Stated Enough!”:

W r nt glty! Wht w d n r prvt lvs hs n brng n r prfssnl dts.

by Edward Champion

David Kipen in Critical Condition After Promotional Effort Goes Awry

kipen4David Kipen, the National Endowment of the Arts Director of Literature, is in critical condition after an effort to promote the Big Read program ended in culinary disaster.

After failing to eat Harper Lee’s To Kill a Mockingbird if all 128 residents of Kelleys Island, Ohio did not sign on for his floundering Big Read program, Kipen upped the stakes. He promised that he would eat his left arm if the five residents on the fence still held out.

Fifteen-year-old Marcia Swansee told Kipen that she would not read To Kill a Mockingbird because she had “read the goddam book” in her freshman English class. It was Swansee’s belief that there was no reason to read the book again. “Why can’t you suggest something different?” asked Swansee. “We’re not dummies out here in Ohio.”

This prompted several Kelleys Island residents to question whether Kipen would even live up to his promise and for the man to be publicly ridiculed in the town square. Residents pelted Kipen with tomatoes and told him to “go the hell back to Washington.” An embarrassed Kipen, contemplating his diminishing manhood, then took a machete to his left arm and began gnawing ravenously on his appendage.

Before passing out, Kipen was heard to shout, “That will show you yokels that I’m a man of my word!”

Kipen remains in critical condition. Friends and family of Kipen are hoping that he will recover both his health and his sanity. It is expected that the Big Read program may now be at an end after this setback.

“Frankly, I was never really into this stupid idea. But David was getting increasingly desperate. I suppose the desperation drove him over the edge,” remarked former NEA Chairman Dana Gioia.

by Edward Champion

NBCC Announces Exciting New Panels!

nbccpanelsThe National Book Critics Circle has announced a number of exciting new panels that should keep literature alive and exciting in this age of declining newspapers.

Why You Should Be Jane Ciabattari’s Bitch
April 9, 2009, 7:00 PM-10:00 PM.
Three-hour worship service

This exciting seminar, which will feature Powerpoint presentations and canned coffee donated from a homeless shelter, will explicate in great detail why all NBCC members should send their tithes to NBCC President Jane Ciabattari. Participants are expected to supplicate to Ms. Ciabattari at every minute, sacrificing their children at the designated altar and nodding their heads in agreement. If you have an independent thought, rest assured that you will conform to the NBCC’s philosophy at the service’s end. (Special Kool-Aid will be provided for those who have difficulty capitulating to NBCC philosphy.) The doors will be locked so that nobody can leave.

Those Fucking Bloggers
April 10, 2009, 3:00 PM to 5:00 PM
Two-hour lecture

We’ve scheduled this lecture early, because we realize that most of the people who loathe bloggers are over sixty and go to bed early. But if you don’t know why those fucking bloggers are evil, then we will explain to you what your role will be in the upcoming media jihad.

The Entitlement of Book Critics
April 10, 2009, 6:00 PM to 7:00 PM
One-hour panel

The NBCC has gathered together some of its smuggest critical voices in the country under one roof. At this enthralling panel, we will discuss why the established book critics should be entitled to any and all gigs. We’ll also demonstrate how to keep some of the more emerging critical voices out of the newspapers. Books editors will show you how to create a blacklist and how to recognize contributors who may bring an iota of passion to their pages.

The Importance of Panels
April 11, 2009, 2:00 PM to 4:00 PM
Two-hour discussion

If you don’t yet understand why panels are important, well then you will by the end of this discussion. We’ll show you how to keep a panel dry and uninteresting. We’ll also demonstrate what you can do to keep the crowd snoozing. Standing room only.

by Edward Champion

Harper Announces New Screw Imprint

harperscrewThis morning, HarperCollins announced a new imprint called HarperScrew. The new imprint will be headed by HarperStudio’s Bob Miller and will set out to screw the writer.

“We’ve been going about this business the wrong way,” said Miller. “Why should we even pay the writers at all when they can all just be screwed over?”

Writers will pay $50,000 a pop to be screwed over by Harper. The authors don’t even have to produce books. They just need to be screwed. The screwing will take on many forms: sodomy, needless editorial tampering, and more pedestrian forms of humiliation. Harper has not yet announced a business model, and publishing experts are still wondering exactly how Miller and his team will profit from the screwing. But they have begun screwing a select elite group of writers and hope to have the screwing down sometime in the fall.

Objections came this morning from a surprising source: the foul-mouthed Al Goldstein, long associated with Screw Magazine.

“Who do these cocksuckers think they are?” barked Goldstein. “Not only do they take my brand name, but they take some of my fucking ideas.”

As a peace offering, Miller has asked Goldstein if he would like to be screwed under the new imprint. Negotiations are still pending, but it is believed that Goldstein will, in all likelihood, be screwed.