Ever since I decided to become a lazy bastard and ask my readers for money, I’ve had lots of laughs spending my days in bed naked, smearing myself with Vaseline, watching Jose Mojica Marins movies on DVD, heating and eating donated cans of Progresso Soup (might I recommend the Manhattan Clam Chowder?), growing a poorly trimmed beard and, when really bored out of my gourd, posting content here that you can get elsewhere for free.

Sifting through monster.com ads and slaving away at some dull office job like most foolish Americans was never a consideration. And I had no desire to film myself having a nervous breakdown. There are enough 900 MB Quicktime movies floating around. (Just type in “Edward Champion drunk phone breakdown BitTorrent” into Google and see the insalubrious results for yourself.)

But I genuinely had no idea that you’d want to give me so much money to post long screeds about ME! ME! ME! I have difficulty enough jogging three times a week. And the last woman who slept with me thought my penis was too small.

However, fair is fair. Since some of you actually care enough to send me your hard-earned dollars, I figure that you deserve more incentive than reading about some 30 year old Caucasian whining about books during office hours. With this in mind, I’ve prepared some contribution gifts for the true suckers…ahem…patrons:

MY NINE INCH NAILS T-SHIRT: I’ve had this thing for at least twelve years. Frankly, it’s too embarassing for me to wear and I can’t even use it as “doing laundry” attire. But if you’ve ever wondered what it might be like to come close to all of the sweat I accumulated in my twenties, now’s your chance. Donate away and relive my glory years!

THE EMPTY BOTTLE OF STOLI FROM LAST WEEK: Hero worship doesn’t stop with sartorial artifacts. If there are any genetic scientists in the house who desire to clone me, you can do no worse than extracting some of the dried saliva around the bottle cap. Why, together we’ll create a whole army of self-absorbed bloggers asking for money! What lucky payee will be the first to start this revolution? The first one who sends in $400 gets this puppy.

SLOPPY SECONDS: The aforementioned woman who thought my penis was too small? Well, guess what, kids! She’s offered to throw herself at anyone willing to pay me money, largely because she figures that my readers are far more interesting and sexier than I am.

Act now and one of these (or perhaps all!) of these gifts can be yours!

Remember, kids! Blogging is all about the money!

Hey, producers, hack screenwriters and directors, and other cretinous bastards walking through the slimy alleys of Hollywood: Stop fucking around with Alan Moore’s work! (Or rather, Alan Moore, stop allowing these guys to fuck with your work. Do you really need more Victorian erotica to add to your copious collection in the east wing of the estate? Shit, Alan. It ain’t worth it!)

From Hell was a tepid affair. The League of Extraordinary Gentleman was abominable. And if, as this guy reports, you’re going to tamper with the careful politics of V for Vendetta and dilute this fantastic masterpiece of all its punch — if you motherfuckers can’t even “adapt” a fucking comic book, then you have no business being in show business.

And on a related note, why does The Bourne Supremacy make Paul Greengrass the ideal man to direct The Watchmen? Wasn’t Terry Gilliam attached to this at once point? (via Bookslut)

The latest Book Sense picks have been announced. What follows is an attempt to provide additional information on the selected titles. After all, testimonials are one thing, but comprehensive coverage is another. I have deliberately skipped over the heavy hitters (McEwan, Foer and Levy), because, as good as their work may be, they have all the hype and press agents they need.

Gods in Alabama by Joshilyn Jackson [Author’s Website]
Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro [Overview] [January interview]
The King’s English: Adventures of an Independent Bookseller by Betsy Burton [King’s English Bookstore] [Letter from Burton to Orrin Hatch]
Saturday by Ian McEwan
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer
The Ice Queen by Alice Hoffman [Book Reporter profile] [Ploughshares profile]
Bound for Canaan: The Underground Railroad and the War for the Soul of America by Fergus M. Bordewich [Official Website]
Conspiracy of Fools: A True Story by Kurt Eichenwald [Website] [Random House profile]
Dear Zoe by Philip Beard [Official site]
Me & Emma by Elizabeth Flock [Excerpt]
Too Late to Die Young by Harriet McBryde Johnson [“Unspeakable Conversations”]
Misfortune by Wesley Stace [Official site]
Small Island by Andrea Levy
Cut and Run by Ridley Pearson [Official site]
Lost in the Forest by Sue Miller [interview]
You Can’t Get There From Here: A Year on the Fringes of a Shrinking World by Gayle Forman [“Women in War”]
Bleedout by Joan Brady [Website]
A Short History of Tractors in Ukranian by Marina Lewycka [London Times review]
Towelhead by Alicia Erian [“When Animals Attack”]
A Changed Man by Francine Prose [“Living Legends”]

Nick Broomfield fans (namely, certain monkeys) may be interested to know that a collection of interviews revealing the documentarian’s working methods, Jason Wood’s Nick Broomfield: Documenting Icons has arrived. Daniel Graham has the scoop: “At the heart of Broomfield’s work is a genuine desire to understand the world we live in and to offer his findings to a wider public. He’s certainly right in asserting that evening news bulletins barely scratch the surface when it comes to the more complex issues that trouble the world today, and are often filtered through an inane and commercially-driven editorial process. Is this really preferable to Broomfield’s subjective yet greatly detailed and researched version? Even the documentarist of the day – Michael Moore – comes across like a blunt instrument when viewed next to Broomfield’s work.” (via Greencine Daily)