Recently, President Bush addressed the nation in a press conference. He offered many answers to questions on Iraq. In an effort to understand the Bush administration’s motivations, I’ve tried applying some of Bush’s answers to everyday situations.
BUSH: “It’s not a civil war; it’s not a popular uprising.”
ME (to Peet’s employee): “It’s not a cup of coffee; it’s not a popular uprising.”
PEET’S EMPLOYEE: “No, sir. It’s a cup of coffee. Revolution has nothing to do with it. Please leave.”
BUSH: “The nation of Iraq is moving toward self-rule, and Iraqis and Americans will see evidence in the months to come.”
ME (to IRS): “The nation of America is moving toward self-rule, and America and the IRS will see evidence in the months to come.”
IRS: “Actually, sir, if you don’t pay your taxes on April 15, you will face severe penalties and arrest.”
BUSH: “Iraqi’s neighbors also have responsibilities to make their region more stable.”
ME (to landlord): “My neighbors also have responsibilities to make their apartments more stable.”
LANDLORD: “If you have a legitimate gripe, fill out this grievance form.”
BUSH: “Over the last several decades, we’ve seen that any concession or retreat on our part will only embolden this enemy and invite more bloodshed.”
ME (to sibling): “Over the last several decades, we’ve seen that any concession or retreat on our part will only embolden our family and invite more internecine disputes.”
SIBLING: “Ed, do you need a hug?”
BUSH: “And as to whether or not I make decisions based upon polls, I don’t. I just don’t make decisions that way. I fully understand the consequences of what we’re doing. We’re changing the world. And the world will be better off and America will be more secure as a result of the actions we’re taking.
ME (to co-host of party): “And as to whether or not I organize parties based upon other people’s opinions, I don’t. I just don’t make decisions that way. I fully understand the consequences of what we’re doing. We’re changing the party. And the party will be better off and the apartment will be more secure as a result of the plans we’re making.”
CO-HOST: “All right. But don’t count on any future invitations.”
BUSH: “I hope I — I don’t want to sound like I’ve made no mistakes. I’m confident I have. I just haven’t — you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I’m not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one.”
ME (to lover trying to reconcile relationship): “I hope I — I don’t want to sound like I’ve made no mistakes. I’m confident I have. I just haven’t — you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I’m not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one.”
LOVER: “Jesus, can’t you take any kind of initiative?”
BUSH: “And my message to the loved ones who are worried about their sons, daughters, husbands, wives, is: You’re loved one is performing a noble service for the cause of freedom and peace.”
ME (downsizing employee): “And my message to your loved ones who are worried about how you will support your family is: Your loved one has performed a noble service for the cause of capitalism and profit.”
EMPLOYEE: “Oh, just give me my severance pay and shut up.”