Year / 2005

by Edward Champion

Jack Bunyan’s Writing Advice, Part One

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Because we receive a good deal of email from readers asking us how to write, how to find an agent, etc., and because NaNoWriMo is in the early stages, we’ve enlisted Jack Bunyan, author of Anger and You: Getting in Touch With Your Inner Id and Letting the Inner Bastard Take Charge of Your Life, several dry pieces for technical manuals, and a good deal of publicity material for the Orange County Visitors Bureau, to offer some advice for aspiring writers.]

So you wanna write, eh, kid? Well, stand in line and be my bitch. And prepare to squeal like a pig, boy. Because I’m just getting started and I swing more than two ways.

If I were a god (and, believe me, I’m as close as a human comes to a deity; you haven’t known fear until you’ve ordered me sparkling water in a bar; so, listen carefully, son), I’d turn over all the buildings for all the liberal arts programs and find thousands of people just like you who have these pressing life stories to tell.

You think you have tomorrow’s best seller? Cry me a fucking river! Sure, you lost both parents to a flesh-eating virus within days and you lived to tell the tale. Sure, you woke up in a rehab clinic and you don’t know how you got there. Do you think I care? Do you think America cares? Most importantly, do you think the publishing industry cares?

The way it works is this: you scribble your intimate thoughts away and the publishing industry hands you a pittance. No chocolate mint left on the pillow, compadre. You’re much better whoring yourself out on the Sunset Strip than thinking you can make it as a freelancer, much less a writer who turns out one book a year. Unless you’re a trust fund kid and you have all the free time in the world and you don’t have to worry about starvation in the immediate future, I would advise any aspiring writers to give up immediately.

Still with me? Good. I knew I could count on you. That’s what this is all about: separating the wheat from the chaff. Let me buy you wheaties a few pints of microbrewed wheat bear. Of course, this doesn’t mean that I won’t ask you to squeal like a pig.

If you think you have what it takes, then you better be prepared. Because chances are nobody cares what you have to say.

So who’s left? Well, you are, bitch. And you’re there to convince your agent and your publisher that you have an audience that will buy your books.

If that means staging elaborate readings or appearing at every bookstore that will allow you to read, if that means spreading the word through emails and operating off of a persistence that will not abate, even after your spouse and your dog have left you and you’re lying in a ditch wondering how you got there, then that’s damn well what it takes.

And if that means spending years writing the worst dreck possible to keep a roof over your heads and become one of the many unreported failures, well then at least you’ll meet your maker as a professional.

Now excuse me while I toss down my iced tea and call this number for an out call, so’s I can calm my nerves.

by Edward Champion

Roundup

It’s a very hectic afternoon, so here’s a quick roundup:

  • Rambling African Geek has initiated a series of lengthy posts concerning race and science fiction. He argues that, outside of invasion locales, science fiction authors have failed to paint a portrait of Africa and that he is “virtually invisible to the perceived SF mainstream, which is overwhelmingly white, hetero, male and only interested in stories by and about other white hetero males.”
  • Obvious headline of the week: Blogging moves into mainstream. I guess news travels slower in Ohio.
  • At long last, Jonathan Coe has completed The Closed Circle, the sequel to The Rotters’ Club.
  • Galleycat reports that Peter Gethers, the “creative genius” who unleashed Kate & Allie will be heading some motion picture entity called “Random House Films.”
  • Apparently, Margaret Atwood isn’t the only one writing about Penelope. Children’s novelist Adèle Geras also has a book coming out.
  • In Australia, it looks like a new antiterrorism law could have a major effect on the definition of “sedition,” which may affect an Aussie novelist’s freedom of expression.
  • A Gore Vidal biography is making the rounds.
  • The BBC notes that there’s only one work of fiction on the Guardian’s First Book Award list.
  • Tangerine Muumuu is doing the NaNoWriMo. Some years ago, I publicly posted a NaNoWriMo effort in process. Unfortunately, I was prevented from completing the extremely weird Oedipal narrative that resulted due to my apartment catching on fire. I wish her well.
  • And speaking of aborted creative efforts, Quiddity reports that Terry Gilliam is reviving The Man Who Killed Don Quixote. Maybe.
by Edward Champion

Mike Wallace & Bill O’Reilly Buddies?

Stamford Advocate: “‘I should probably confess that he’s a friend of mine,’ he said, smiling. ‘But he acknowledges that he’s playing a role. He has a style that he’s developed that has attracted an enormous amount of attention.’ O’Reilly also has been lending advice on how to sell books while on the promotional circuit, Wallace joked.”

I can only imagine them ordering dinner together: “Shut up! You’re wrong about the creme brulée, Mike, and you know it!”