Hi, I’m Stephen Baldwin. You might know me as the “other Baldwin” or the “youngest Baldwin.” Or perhaps the “other other Baldwin.” There are, after all, so many of us. I can understand the confusion.
After years of being a sanctimonious prick, I’ve decided to become a sanctimonious Christian prick, which some might argue is even worse. But I’m here to tell you that it’s not as bad as you think. You see, something funny happened when those planes hit the towers. I realized that life was hardcore. But I had to think it all over. So on that terrible day that Satan struck down our great skyscrapers of commerce, I retreated to my isolated gym room with my Brazilian housekeeper and beat the shit out of my bags and threw myself into a Tae Bo frenzy as tempestuous as the Good Lord himself and did many other things that I won’t tell you about. Because I’m a private man. Besides, I’m sure you’ll learn it all on your own, if you take a long hard look at Jesus. His is the only way.
I emerged with a profound belief that religion can be hardcore too. More hardcore than getting fired by Brian De Palma from Casualties of War. More hardcore than the tattoos between my shoulder blades. And certainly more hardcore than all the chicks I banged in those terrible days before married life. The days where I was led astray. I have long since repented for telling these fine vessels of motherhood that I was Alec.
You see, I am a hardcore guy. And it was this hardcore attitude that had me regularly calling The Ron and Fez Show. And Ron and Fez told me that I was hardcore. And I thought, hey, hardcore. And I felt compelled to take back this word from the evil porn peddlers. And I did my best to close down a porn shop in Nyack, even taking pictures of the sinners’ license plates and publishing their names in the paper. And that was hardcore. Hardcore, the way having a gravel sandwich for lunch is. Hardcore, the way God punishes these evil sinners. Ideally with painful flames and horrible lacerations.
And then I wrote a book — a hardcore book. Since my good friend Pauly Shore had some writing gifts bestowed upon him by the Lord, I showed him an early draft. And he gave me the thumbs up. And he said, “Stephen, that’s hardcore.” And we ate a hardcore lunch. And we both took a big hardcore dump in front of an abortion clinic and laughed our asses off on the drive to Coldstone Creamery. Because that’s how hardcore we are.
And now I’m urging you to buy it. Open your heart. Jesus’s way is the only way. You may not know this now. You may never have known this. Certainly Bono doesn’t know it. He thinks that providing relief is the answer. Doesn’t he know that God will work this all out? Don’t you know? If you don’t understand where I’m coming from, the True Answer is in my book. I am a Baldwin. The Lord is My Shepherd. And I am more hardcore than you.
© 2006, Edward Champion. All rights reserved.