A Special Message from Google

Our Business Referral Representative program has proven so successful that we are, at long last, launching our Total Information Acquisition program. In our ongoing efforts to expand the Google database and invade the privacy of everyone, and leave nothing whatsoever left to the human imagination, Google wants to know everything about you, your friends, your peers, and it’s all fun and profitable! As a Total Information Acquisition Representative, you’ll visit local residences to collect information. It doesn’t matter if you break into these homes or befriend people. We’ll simply need you to collect data. What kind of furniture do they have? What’s in their refrigerators? When are they likely to be awake? Boxers or briefs? Are they slobs or neatniks?

We’ll then use all this information for Google Maps, Google AdWords, and a new social network called Google Humiliation. Just be sure to take a few digital photos of the residences that will appear in the Google Maps listing along with physical measurements and personal secrets that might be interesting. After the visit, you submit the residences’ info and photo(s) to Google through your Local Homeland Referrals Office, and we’ll pay you up to $10 for each listing that is approved by Google and verified by at least three of the Resident’s acquaintances.

In fact, if you met a Resident at a bar and secure your way into the Resident’s apartment (what you do with the Resident sexually is really none of our concern, although it would help Google tremendously if you could tell us how they are in the sack!), we’ll pay you extra!

All you need to be a successful Total Information Acquisition Representative is a passion for helping the world know more about Residents, a love of the Internet (some knowledge of how paparazzi photographers invade the lives of celebrities is great, too), and access to a computer and a digital camera.

Remember that Google is your friend. Forget the Fourth Amendment. As we all know, this quaint notion of being “secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects” is on the way out. This is the wave of the future! Together, we will disseminate every bit of knowledge about every person on the planet!


  1. You jest, but surely we all know that it will never be enough for Google to record/catalog/index/store every word ever committed to print. Right now they’re prob’ly working on a way to capture and catalog all human thought. And this would be reprehensible and surely proof that it’s not the government we really needed to fear, but a handful of young entrepreneurs who want to be the stewards of all knowledge from all times. That is, if it weren’t so damned convenient to type any little phrase or word or movie title–you get it–into a Google search and actually get links to useful information, even the stuff you were searching for.

    Or not.

    Maybe freedom mean we’re all obligated–oh, all right, just a small, secret band of us–to follow the example of that famous Wikipedia vandal who linked the name of that newsman’s dad to the JFK assassination. What cooler act of civil disobedience could there be than to jangle the knowledge stewards’ plans by filling there coffers with false information. See how long they remain high and mighty when they’re peddling tripe!

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