Beatrix Goes Hollywood

Book Standard: Renee Zellweger to Star as “Peter Rabbit” Writer Beatrix Potter.

Excerpt from Beatrix screenplay:


Norman Warne walks in, holding a glass of sherry. Beads of sweat drip down his forehead.

Beatrix is writing.

He tightens his cravat.

These tales of rabbits, if I may say so, Beatrix, are nice, but–

They had me at hello.

Beatrix drops her quill into the inkwell and continues writing.

This I understand. But what of me? What of us, darling? I know you like your animals, dear. But I’m tired of living a lie. This secret engagement. The rabbit noises I must make when we — er — consummate certain private affairs before their prime.

Beatrix sets down her quill and smiles at Warne.

Wait a minute! Nice rabbits don’t kiss like that.

For the three hundredth time, my good lady, I am not a rabbit! I am a human being!

Beatrix puts her fingers to her lips, extending them as if rabbit teeth, and jumps across the room like a rabbit.

Darling, don’t be ridiculous.

Beatrix sets down her fingers.

You once said you liked me just as I am and I just wanted to say likewise. I mean there are stupid things you publish. You always like the wrong book in every situation and I seriously believe that you should rethink the length of your garters. But, you’re a nice man and I like you and, if you don’t mind me saying, dear Norman, you do perform oral sex on me from time to time, which is more than one can say about most men in 1904. If you wanted to step into my bed chamber and make more rabbit sounds — perhaps you could be the locomotive and I could be the caboose, if you know what I mean — that might be nice. More than nice.

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