Blogger’s Surprise Revelations Cause Unexpected Shock and Awe

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oldhag.jpegBALTIMORE (AP) – Blogger Elizabeth Skurnick, better known to the world as the Old Hag, shocked the blogosphere on Monday when she revealed herself to be much smarter, cuter, and wittier than her readers expected. Since her surprise announcement, she has received three dozen marriage proposals and several emails from men begging her to kiss their hands, annoint them with holy water, and send them underwear. In one notable case, a mariachi band was sent out to belt out continuous praise on Ms. Skurnick’s doorstep. Ms. Skurnick was forced to reluctantly call the police. In yet another extraordinary incident, one man asked to be whipped continuously over a 24 hour period.

Ms. Skurnick, who had previously kept up a quasi-anonymous profile on the Net, claims to be as perplexed as anyone by the sudden attention. “Just a bunch of crazy motherfuckers, really,” she said. “I mean, all I did was write a review for The New York Times, and suddenly everybody wants to be my love slave.”

A few bloggers who had previously corresponded with Ms. Skurnick have suddenly stopped sending her emails. Learning of her Yale and John Hopkins background, one blogger, who preferred to remain anonymous when speaking to this reporter, deleted all his posts. “I can’t compete with the Hag’s fine words. I mean, the lady uses ‘fuck’ in ways I’ve never considered.”

Ms. Skurnick’s decision has not been without controversy. “It’s tacky and in bad taste,” said Jessa Crispin, who maintains the Bookslut blog. “I mean, I’ve been blogging about books a lot longer than she has. And I’ve had Austin Chronicle writers stalking me. Kenan has had to kick a few asses, but we’ve kept this on the q.t. You’d think Lizzie would have the decency to do the same.”

Sarah Weinman, who maintains a blog called Confessions of an Idiosynchratic Mind, had planned to reveal more about herself later this year, but feared that she didn’t have the same credentials that Ms. Skurnick did. “Let’s face it. Lizzie’s brighter than the rest of us. But I’m not bothered by it,” said Ms. Weinman. “I still trump her in the mystery department.”

“A little revealing does everyone some good,” said Terry Teachout. Teachout, author of The Skeptic and compulsive blogger of About Last Night, isn’t concerned with the attention. He reports that he’s pretty busy with a girl from Chicago.

“What the hell do I know?” said Cup of Chica. “I just got back home!”

“She should just get married,” said Maud Newton. “I did, and I’ve never had to worry about groupies.”

Even so, this hasn’t stopped Choire Sicha, editor of Gawker, from sending Ms. Skurnick a dozen roses every hour, on the hour, since the announcement.

“I sympathize,” says Elegant Variation‘s Mark Sarvas. “If I wasn’t a married man, I’d be drooling over Lizzie like the rest of them.”

Unfortunately, Ms. Skurnick is already smitten with a man whom she refers to only as “BOOG” (an acronym for “Boyfriend of Old Hag”). Attempts to uncover the BOOG’s real identiy have not yielded any fruit. However, a source has informed this reporter that Ms. Skurnick has hired several security guards to deflect potential stalkers. Along with the marriage proposals have come very specific death threats against the BOOG. The language and the specific nature of the intentions have alarmed Ms. Skurnick. “If you thought the Margaret Cho hate mail was bad,” said Skurnick, “try being queen for a day.”

“I don’t understand why she doesn’t just remain anonymous,” said TMFTML, an anonymous blogger who was recently nominated for Best New York Blog by New York Magazine. “Keep the lid on and you can blog in relative peace.”

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