Category / Music

by Edward Champion

Tabling the Issue

when i woke up this morning
i was confronted with the news that although we’d make a boatload of money touring, i wouldn’t be able to buy that table at crate and barrel because the album was released to the internet
i won’t make as much $$$
and that will break my heart
it will break john frusciante’s heart
it will break anthony kiedis’s heart
and it will break the heart of chad smith
we all wanted a nice table to set the bong on
and now we can’t
because you downloaded it
yes, we worked for seven years hoping that we could buy that table at crate and barrel
i have wanted this table for seven years
can you blame me for crying?
it is a painful pill to swallow
not having this table
we have released tracks in crappy itunes format
but let me bitch to you about how bad it will sound
and how i will not be able to buy my table

yes, you have prevented the red hot chilli peppers from buying a new table
how can you live with yourself?
who was the idiot who prevented me from buying my precious table?

i am sad for i will have to use the ikea table for another two years
what if i have a heart attack?
what if anthony kiedis has a heart attack?
the crate and barrel table was good for us
if we fell on it while having a heart attack
it would cushion us a bit more

please see us live three times

sincerely,

flea

by Edward Champion

New Single Not of the Streets

Kim has tracked down a single from The Streets’ new album. It’s an interesting new direction, but I’m a bit concerned. You see, part of Mike Skinner’s appeal is his no-bullshit lack of melody. Now the wanker has started singing instead of rapping, which sort of takes away from the grime and grit that made the first two albums so appealing in the first place. Skinner’s now saying, “You can’t stop fucking pop stars.” That’s a far and unfortunate cry from the passive and humdrum hell he captured so well in “Could Well Be In.”

by Edward Champion

Me Thinks Momus Doth Protest Too Much

Cry me a river, Momus. There is a very specific reason why I don’t own an iPod, a Zen Micro or even a shitty Discman. (I did own one of the latter, but I destroyed it about three years ago in mock anarchist mode in front of a few friends when it began malfunctioning.) It’s because I enjoy room tone and the sound of natural space, even that occupied with a dim tune coming from an overhead garret. It’s because I love riding the subway and the buses lost in a book or fascinated by a group of people or overhearing some salacious cell phone conversation. It’s also because I value my ears. When I do any kind of audio engineering, I want to bring a fresh concentration to what I do. I don’t think humans were designed to be exposed to constant 24/7 audio input. I suspect, however, that the MySpace generation born just after me doesn’t yet know this.

It should be noted that humans can, in fact, say no to things such as television and portable audio recorders. One can also befriend neighbors and come to terms with precisely the kind of volume level that might aggravate them (or likewise). If a schmuck like me (who is often socially inept) can find a common level of respect among his neighbors, then so can Momus.

In other words, I take objection to Momus’s premise that the American landscape has been irrevocably saturated by music. I live in the Haight. It can get quite noisy from time to time. But I did take care to move into a pad that had affordable rent and solid walls. Forward thinking and planning can get you into desirable environments. Tolerance too.

But here’s another existential trade secret: by exposing my ears to the natural din of conversation during my MUNI commutes and within my inner sanctum, any sort of audio onslaught, whether it be my neighbor blasting jazz or the Fiona Apple obsession the folks at my local coffeehouse is not only more tolerable, but it can be tuned out, provided that some sanctuaries still remain.

I’ll be more concerned if they start piping wretched elevator music into the subways.