TO: All Employees
FROM: The Management
RE: Christmas Party Deportment
As you know, the Company will be hosting a Christmas Party (hereinafter “Shindig”) this Friday. While your attendance at the Shindig isn’t mandatory, please be advised that we have not yet distributed your holiday bonuses and that, while we are not legally permitted to adjust for certain factors that strike us as equitably measured, Shindig-related behavior and general social networking opportunities may be factored in to inflate your Bonus across a broader plane (hint hint).
The Shindig is designed to not only stroke the egos of our Clients and Regular Customers (hereinafter “Guests’) during the Holiday Season (hereinafter “Season”), but as an opportunity for you to demonstrate your loyalty to the Company. Should the Shindig prove insufferable for both Company employees and Guests alike, we have provided bare-chested bartenders of both sexes, copious food and alcohol, and canapés which can be plucked from the backs of svelte and starving models (hereinafter “Modular Furniture”).
During the Shindig, many unscrupulous characters will say “Hello!” and may wish to talk with you, often inviting you to sit on the Modular Furniture. These Guests may arrive at your desk and wish to engage in small talk. While most Guests are benign, others wish to pry personal information for you or even extract inner workings about the Company, often spreading what they learn through a filthy conduit known as Gossip. In extreme cases, they may try to kiss you under a mistletoe. Lead them on, if you must. But keep your conversation tight.
Please be sure to keep your ears open and carefully modulate your alcohol intake so you don’t reveal too much about yourself or the Company’s inner workings. The last thing we want is our Guests to be more curious about us. And you are mere cogs in the machine. Also, remember! Loose lips sink ships. In the event that you find yourself babbling incessantly, we ask that you ingest a Silence Pill. The Silence Pill will knock you out for twelve hours, thus preventing one of the malicious Guests from learning too much about you or the Company. (Should you anticipate a need to be unconscious for more than twelve hours, additional pills are available at Human Resources.)
If you discover one of our Guests is suspicious, please be advised that we are initiating a partnership with the Department of Homeland Security, where we plan to arrest first and ask questions later. The DHS will ensure that all questionable Guests are suspected of being thieves and corporate terrorists. Should a Guest strike you as eccentric, inordinately social, intelligent, or extrahuman, please do not arouse suspicion! Approach him carefully. Don’t be alarmed! Experience has suggested the remote possibility that these people may call you by your first name! If you get into a pinch, the Modular Furniture will stand up and take a Suspicious Guest down with several jujitsu moves.
Be on the lookout and avoid risks, even the most minor ones! Your safety depends on it! Our best wishes for the holiday season.