I stumbled upon this site, which features a dramatic reading of a grammatically unsound breakup note. But it occurred to me that the man who read this note was more fond of playing Snidely Whiplash than coming to terms with the pain and heartbreak extant within.
So here’s my version (MP3, 2:30).
Here’s the note:
Dear Loser,[Chris]~~~~!!!!!
I thought you liked me you said it yourself I hate you .People only say you asked me out because you needed a date for the dance and that after the dance you would dump me well guess what bastert i dumped you cause you were thinking that i cheated on you i didnt so like idiots that you guys are and so smart that you are you called me a slut.I hung up on you cause you tol me it on the phone because i guess you werent man enough to tell me it in my face!I hate you and also guess what my mother hates you to that she the one who put me to do this ,you come to breakfast every morning and I aint stupid you try to sit next to me and my lil bro who only 7YRS old hates you to and dont even know what you did and is always blocking your chair.haha!I went out with another boy after you and after we were over you an idiot dared you even tried to ask me out again i didnt break up with him for you OK! I hate you ive always hated you spreading to everyone that i cheated on you when you just got jealouse that i used to talk to your friends to your so jealouse you automatically think i like them well guess maybe i do maybe i dont gotta problem you aint my boyfriend anymore I dont have to tell you who i like or who iam with and why got it i dont like you anymore the other day you told me that I have to tell you who I like or who Iam thinking of going out with its none of your buisness got that to you loser!I hate you and I know you still like me but i dont like you i dont care what your stupid friends say you make me touch your hands for stupid reasons u accidentally say you hugged me i will never like you again I HATE YOU I HATE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS DAMN WORLDDDDDDDDDD id rather date a spider or rat den u ur soooo ugly and fat !!!!!!!!!!And then saying that i loooooooved you pleasssse!!!!!!!!!!!Your such n ass wipe n bastert!! I HATE YOOOOOOOOOOU
Well bi you piece of shit i have more things to do right now then remember YOU
Ah, love!
Shall I compare thee to n ass wipe n bastert?
Thou are more stupid, and shiterly.
I dated an ass wipe n bastert once. And, as I recall, I wound up HATE N HIM MORE THAN ANYTHING IN THIS DAMN WORLDDDDDDDD, too. But I wasn’t juvenile enough to write such a catty break up note. I just called and hung up on him. Over. And over. And over.
(That was a REALLY long time ago. I don’t do things like than anymore, even to ass wipe n basterts.)
All I can see is a girl who has had it writing to a boy that will never get it.
Sigh.
I used to collect breakup notes, well all kinds of notes, until it started making me sad.
Either way, I enjoyed this.