Excerpt from Martha Stewart’s Upcoming Prison Memoir

TownOnline: “Literary agents say there is a $5 million advance waiting if she decides to publish her prison memoirs.”


My cellmate Alice finally took my advice about the jumpsuit. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, aside from avoiding the pitfalls of insider trading and never underestimating the value of appearing naked beneath bedsheets, it’s that you can always make your interior space your own — even when you’re confronted with limitations. Alice was able to get an orange scrunchee to match the jumpsuit from Leona, the black marketeer of the penitentiary. Leona demanded four packs of cigarettes for this. I thought this was a high price. But as she explained, “I don’t deal with no friends of gard’nin’ hos!” The scrunchee, which was later confiscated by a guard, helped to bring out the color in Alice’s eyes.

In fact, I think the scrunchee was one of the reasons that Alice stopped beating me up on a nightly basis. Not that I minded. It didn’t cut into my routine too much. Even in the joint, I still slept about four hours a night. And I was just about getting through to Alice. Before the scrunchee incident, she was beginning to try out my bed-making technique.

I talked with the warden about planting some azaleas and daisies in the exercise yard. The warden, who never really liked my television show, told me in an endearing voice, “Get back in line, Prisoner 9927431!” When I pointed out that wearnig a boutonniere might make his uniform less drab and his day more cheerful, he threw me into the hole.

In solitary confinement, I was able to plan out my comeback scheme. The HGTV people were sending me offer letters. And I had already planned out the potential profits in designer anklet bracelets.

I recommend prison to everyone. Everyone should at least try it once. You learn how to be disciplined. You make new friends. And you have a lot of time to think about things.

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One Comment

  1. “And all of that drab, sterile cement is the blank canvas of every designer’s dreams. It’s a good thing!”

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