Last night, millions of Americans decided that they needed an emotional experience. The only way, of course, to feel the pitter-pattering within their collective hearts was not to set foot outside their homes and get to know their fellow neighbors, but to turn on their televisions and watch the final episode of Friends. There, they would experience cardboard cutouts who would illuminate and enrich them. Would Ross and Rachel get back together and have all sorts of crazy sex on camera right before a commercial break? And, most importantly, would we ever see a character in the Friends universe who was not shallow, Caucasian and attractive?
Having seen maybe ten minutes of one episode of Friends and not having experienced a single magical moment of this amazing television program since, I feel as if I’m thoroughly qualified to provide you with speculation on what happened last night.
The big question was whether Ross and Rachel got back together. Since this was in fact the final episode, this was a plot development as smoothly calculated as a Tic-Tac-Toe victory. But, yes, Ross not only got Rachel back, but had another character named Phoebe drive him to the airport. At the airport, shortly after walking past a dark-skinned extra being frisked by airport security, Ross told Rachel that he would be voting for George Bush in November and that he wanted her to do the same. Rachel told Ross that this was the most romantic thing that any guy had ever said to her and, after some witty banter about having freedom fries for lunch, Rachel did not get on her plane to Paris. Ross and Rachel decided that they would move to upstate New York and hire a few Spanish-speaking maids to use as human furniture.
The six New York flatmates handed in the keys to their apartments and collectively beat their landlord up. Not only did they receive their security deposit immediately, but they also received a signed waiver stipulating that the landlord would never bring the assault charge to a court of law.
Chandler revealed to Monica that he had a serious drinking problem and that he had taken the twins to the Pussycat Theatre from time to time for some quality pornographic entertainment. Monica understood and decided that it would be best if their young family moved to suburbia, where they would be better able to hide their problems from their neighbors and the television public.
Phoebe told Joey that she would be more than happy to have 2.2 children and be “a good wife.” She resolved to be put in her place, clean and cook for Joey, and agreed that she would never have a partial birth abortion.
Joey, meanwhile, promised that he wouldn’t develop as a character any further. He had a spinoff series to pursue and, thus, it was essential to color himself within the lines. We will report any developments as they come in.