Friends Recap

Last night, millions of Americans decided that they needed an emotional experience. The only way, of course, to feel the pitter-pattering within their collective hearts was not to set foot outside their homes and get to know their fellow neighbors, but to turn on their televisions and watch the final episode of Friends. There, they would experience cardboard cutouts who would illuminate and enrich them. Would Ross and Rachel get back together and have all sorts of crazy sex on camera right before a commercial break? And, most importantly, would we ever see a character in the Friends universe who was not shallow, Caucasian and attractive?

Having seen maybe ten minutes of one episode of Friends and not having experienced a single magical moment of this amazing television program since, I feel as if I’m thoroughly qualified to provide you with speculation on what happened last night.

The big question was whether Ross and Rachel got back together. Since this was in fact the final episode, this was a plot development as smoothly calculated as a Tic-Tac-Toe victory. But, yes, Ross not only got Rachel back, but had another character named Phoebe drive him to the airport. At the airport, shortly after walking past a dark-skinned extra being frisked by airport security, Ross told Rachel that he would be voting for George Bush in November and that he wanted her to do the same. Rachel told Ross that this was the most romantic thing that any guy had ever said to her and, after some witty banter about having freedom fries for lunch, Rachel did not get on her plane to Paris. Ross and Rachel decided that they would move to upstate New York and hire a few Spanish-speaking maids to use as human furniture.

The six New York flatmates handed in the keys to their apartments and collectively beat their landlord up. Not only did they receive their security deposit immediately, but they also received a signed waiver stipulating that the landlord would never bring the assault charge to a court of law.

Chandler revealed to Monica that he had a serious drinking problem and that he had taken the twins to the Pussycat Theatre from time to time for some quality pornographic entertainment. Monica understood and decided that it would be best if their young family moved to suburbia, where they would be better able to hide their problems from their neighbors and the television public.

Phoebe told Joey that she would be more than happy to have 2.2 children and be “a good wife.” She resolved to be put in her place, clean and cook for Joey, and agreed that she would never have a partial birth abortion.

Joey, meanwhile, promised that he wouldn’t develop as a character any further. He had a spinoff series to pursue and, thus, it was essential to color himself within the lines. We will report any developments as they come in.

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  1. Way to go Edward!

    Amazing how you nailed the whole 2 hr kaboodle.

    Next week I understand another long running so called comedy series cashes out.

    What will happen to America, Edward—with all these TV schedual vacancies?

  2. I’m somewhat heartened by the fact that it was less than half as many people as watched the MASH finale in 1983, which still holds the record as most-watched finale.

  3. MASH differs from Friends in that it was a sitcom thrown smack dab in the middle of history. The formula has been tried and died a thousand times (“The Secret Diaries of Desmond Pfeiffer” being on the list of sad tries)- it was something that shouldn’t have worked but did. Smart everything, from the writing to the characters to the actors fleshing them out.

    Friends. I really, really TRIED to get into the vibe of the show but found myself flipping the channel after one bad situational joke too many (usually one or two would do it). It made Seinfeld look like the Second Coming.

    I found myself completely and utterly not relating to it at all. It shouldn’t surprise you that Itoo skipped out on the finale. Smart tv died some time ago, with the rarity here and there. The brother of smart tv has been so cloned that its since stopped being so smart. Friends, the illegitimate child of smart tv passes on. We’re left only with dumb tv and of course, children’s programming. Look for the smart programming in other age demographics lower than yours is what I say.

  4. Remember, MASH was around before the days of 1,000 channels to watch. One basically had 10 or so options at best. That explains part of the reason why nearly half the US population watched that finale. Thank goodness for options. I only had to watch Friends a total of ONCE in its ten year run.

  5. I watched it several times as “background noise” to whatever I was doing. Nothing ever captivated me. Frazier – that would hold me now and then. Seinfeld too. But “Friends”… again, I never saw anything all that funny. And the actors and actresses weren’t all that funny to me either.No timing or something. I don’t know what it was.

    The gazillion channel syndrome. Yeah. And you’d think networks would try to outdo each other with quality instead of going for the lowest common denominator. But well hell, reality tv is cheap to make I guess. And the viewing public bought into it.

  6. I’ve never really liked sit-coms, either. The ones that are kind of funny usually stop being so after about two seasons. I watched Frasier some when it started, but it got to be the same jokes over and over. And the kiss of death for a sit-com is when they try to introduce drama – you know, when they start playing serious music in the promos: “the wedding everyone’s been waiting for!” or “An unforgettable episode that will change their lives forever!” – that kind of shit. Why can’t they just keep it as a sit-com? British comedy shows never go this route. Of course, most of them only run for a few seasons. Perhaps that’s the key.
    I do like South Park. Does that count as a sit-com?

  7. Speaking of bad promos, a while back when X-Files was still on air and pumping out fresh episodes they had this whole ad blitz about Scully’s pregnancy. “Pray for Scully’s baby!” exclaimed tv commercials for a few weeks on FOX. Pray for Scully’s baby. Well, first off, THE BABY’S NOT REAL. Second off, SCULLY’S NOT REAL. Third off, ???

    They might as well have said “PLEASE CARE ABOUT THIS”. While directly desperate, it at least is honest.

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