I Hate Charlie Brooker

Unless you have been walking around with your eyes repeatedly stapled together by an Arrow T50, and your earholes sodomized by a dominatrix’s sex toy collection, with a blindfold — a big throbbing blindfold as impenetrable as onyx — tied round it, goddammit goddammit, in the dark, the cold frightening dark where imaginary leopards gnaw upon your ankles and Fleet Street hacks bang out really fucking fragmented ledes magically syncopated to their inveterate pill-popping and flask-swigging, you surely haven’t failed to notice the latest expression of mass culture rage authored by Charlie Fucking Brooker, which has inspired a Metafilter thread, taken over the Guardian‘s column inches and, blimey, the internet (no capital letters for you, you damn evil bloggers!) in a series of crudely written sentences that come across as incoherent bloviating aimed at — well, I’m not sure exactly.

The point is this: Charlie Brooker is an angry man. Or he wants us to believe that he’s an angry man. Well, I can outdistance this Charlie Come Lately in a few paragraphs.

Charlie Fucking Brooker (hereinafter referred to, as I see fit, as “CFB”) needs to step out of his flat every once in a while. He needs to get out right now so that I can beat him up. Or maybe someone else can beat him up. Or maybe Mac enthusiasts can beat him up. Because he just doesn’t understand. And because he doesn’t understand and we cannot comprehend his rambling column (three word summary, folks: he hates Macs) and he feels compelled to declare a technological jihad, there is only one solution: a bunch of scrawny geeks, at least six thousand of them, attacking Charlie Brooker at Wembley Stadium. Someone needs to charge admission. Someone needs to provide chainsaws. And somebody needs to film it.

Charlie Brooker may hate Macs, but I hate Charlie Fucking Brooker. I have always hated Charlie Fucking Brooker even before I knew who he was. Even before I was aware that he was a columnist. Even before I knew his name. When I was a boy, I asked several of my friends who I might hate in my adulthood and they suggested that it would be some English guy named Charlie. I did not know who this Charlie would be. Oh, but now I know who he is!

I hate the people who read Charlie Fucking Brooker, and I hate the people who think they read Charlie Fucking Brooker. I even hate the people who even considered reading Charlie Brooker. I will go on hating Charlie Fucking Brooker, even if we have a crazy night and he proves okay in the sack. Even if he turns out to be a good guy and he buys me a lager.

There can be no quarter! Charlie Brooker must be stopped. But more importantly, he must be hated!

This has been a cultural commentary.

This week: Ed spent an uninterrupted sixteen hour period contemplating several ways to murder Charlie Fucking Brooker (on his PC). He went to the gun range and fired about thirty-two rounds of ammo into targets that he named Charlie Fucking Brooker. He read Charlie Fucking Brooker‘s latest column and realized that the UK finally had its own version of Chuck Klosterman.

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35 Comments

  1. I echo “Charlie who?” Wow, the things that have been done to me without my knowledge…

    I know a lot of people who hate Macs. They know better than to write about it publicly.

  2. mate, this is the biggest waste of bandwidth ever. i dont know why tossers like you think anyone gives a shit about thier nonsencical bullshit. Fuck off back to where ever you came and the internet/world will be a better place for it.

    i’ll tell you who i hate, you, u absoloute total and complete dickhead. i hate anyone who has ever read this blog, anyone who is affiliated with the site in general, and even my self for stumbling upon it on chance.

  3. yeh well you might hate charlie brooker

    but im not keen about you speckles

    at least he’s a good writer

  4. This is hilarious

    You claim to hate Charlie Brooker yet you not only look like you’re trying desperately to write in his style, you sport only a miniscule fraction of his wit! Oh, and you never quite manage to tell us WHY you hate him!

    Why don’t you give up? I don’t think you were meant for this.

  5. I like how you emulated his “I hate macs” article, I can see what you did there.. nice choice. Sadly you missed you the part where he constructs witty evidence and criticisms, in favour of saying that you hate him, over and over.

    Nice try, but Charlie Brooker could out-rant you any day.

  6. really, i think that charlie brooker is the funniest person there is
    i think he’s amazing
    CHARLIE FOR WORLD LEADER!
    đŸ˜€

  7. What makes Charlie Brooker especially irritating & unconvincing is the fact that he embodies all the things he spends his life slagging off. His “Nathan Barley” is basically about Charlie Brooker. He’s actually worse than the ppl he slags off because at least ppl like Jamie Oliver & Banksy actually DO SOMETHING, rather than whinge about what other people do, which is what Brooker & essentially ALL journalists do. They’d be unemployed if they didn’t have people to live vicariously through.

  8. charlie brooker is ok but he’s more like a watered down version of victor lewis smith bring back tv offal

  9. You may hate Charlie Brooker, but his writing is much funnier than yours, which is probably why he makes loads of money from his journalism and TV – whereas you, on the other hand are confined to some obscure corner of the internet.

  10. Hello, this is Charlie Brooker.

    All I can say is “come and have a go if you think you’re hard enough.”

    I don’t see you with your own TV Series, so how about we meet on the Fourth Plinth in trafalger square and settle it in front of the world?

    We could sumo eachother off the plinth and the winner takes all.

    I await your reply.

    Charlie ‘Fucking’ Brooker

  11. Charlie: Since you’re too idiotic to understand satire when you see it, I challenge you to a public beheading when you’re next in New York City. The winner will be the guy whose head grows back first! Come and have a go at me, Charlie Fucking Booker! For I am Edward Fucking Champion. And I will not only skullfuck you, I will fuck you out of your skull you cowardly chickenshit!

  12. what an appalling bit of writing – your attempt at mocking Brooker by mimicking him shows you up so much! you have no imagination and you cant rant or write to save your life, go do something else you prat! your fooling yourself

  13. i read the first 3 paragraphs, wading through nonsense, gave up and watched an episode of Charlie “fucking” Brooker’s Screenwipe. Unlike you, the man’s successful, knows how to satire and frankly isn’t a waste of space!

  14. Right on Charlie, stand up to this random troll.

    BRW, Screen/News/Gamewipe etc. should be on terrestrial telly, it’s so good!

  15. what a well put together arguement. you hate charlie brooker because he hates macs. yeah we get that but you had no arguement, and just use anger. well done dickhead.

  16. Actually, I’m the real Charlie Brooker. I cant fight, but I do have more money than you.

  17. If you were the real Charlie Brooker, you would’ve used the apostrophe in can’t. Or perhaps I have too high an opinion of you.

    Also, this Charlie Brooker impersonation was marvellous except for the first paragraph from ‘imaginary leopards’. Funny, but too rambling.

  18. No! I’m Charlie Brooker! How utterly meaningless must your lives be to take time out to pretend to be someone you’re not in the desperate, and entirely irrational, hope of maybe inheriting an inkling of their popularity?

    Christ.

  19. Who does the abysmal prick above me think he is? I’m Brooker. Bow down before me. BOW DOWN!

  20. I hope one of those impersonators really was the man himself, as Charlie really does strike me as the kind of man to defend himself on the internet. It is fairly evident the original poster was making an extremely weak attempt to write in the style of Charlie ‘fucking’ Brooker. I would possibly “bow down” before Brooker however I have extremely low self-esteem. For example, I have dreams in which i give blowjobs for pennies; What could it mean?

  21. How can you sodomize an earhole? Never mind.
    Erm, Charlie Brooker is hilarious, usually informed on what he is talking about, and delivers it brilliantly. Not only that, but his work on television also casts the spotlight on people other than himself, that not only deserve that recognition, but have similarly informed and interesting things to say.
    Unlike some and their so-called cultural commentaries.
    Tra.

  22. Unfunny parody is unfunny. Lay off trying to be scathing and witty and stick to… well… whatever it is you do.

  23. I hate Charlie Brooker, too. He’s an arrogant, judgmental hack writer who projects his own bile onto others under the guise of entertainment. All his characters sound exactly like him, bitter and snarky. He should go back to writing computer game reviews and get out of the public domain where people have to look at his cunt features. The only solace I get is that his wife will be cheating on him soon. There’s no way fish faced fucker Charlie Brooker can keep her happy.

  24. I typed into google….’I hate Charlie Brooker’….because I really do. And though I’ve only just become aware of him, through this recent (absolutely ridiculous and sick rubbish) ‘black mirror’ series, I hate him so much! I can see right through him, revealing his obviously desperate pretence that he is a daring/imaginative/modern/controversial/clever writer. He is so stupid that he cannot write any logical or commonsense material. Obviously ignorant of any physics and scientific knowledge whatsoever, he just thinks it’s enough to be shocking and disgusting, with sick and twisted perversions of reality! None of his ‘black mirror’ stories are remotely possible or logical and can never happen in reality. I believe he is trying so hard to try and be ‘clever’, that he has shown himself up to be utterly stupid!

  25. I despise Charlie Brooker , finding him offensive , nasty and tasteless. Making dumb sneering comments about tv programmes is not my idea of comedy….take note BBC! Whats so bad about ignorant gits like Brooker is they seem to think being a complete moron is now completely acceptable… where did we go wrong? HOW TV RUINED MY LIFE? … by letting shites like BROOKER on screen!!!

  26. Hello.

    This is much nonsense.

    Why is there leopards? What is a ‘Brooker’?

    It makes my mind want to swallow itself.

  27. I fucking hate charlie brooker I wish that idiot would just shut up. fucking media studies idiot with 70 iq.

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