A few years ago, I flew to Kansas, enduring a sweltering September afternoon. I stood at a crossroads, which I barely found, seeing as how the junction had been illegibly scrawled on a used sheet of butcher paper.
I had been sent to a mysterious location (this was long before Google Maps) because a man named Lenny had promised to personally deliver an egg salad recipe that was of great value to humanity. This egg salad recipe had been passed down through many generations and had made many people happy. And he had designated me, Edward Champion, as the man who could properly disseminate future reproductions of this egg salad to other people.
The only thing Lenny asked of me was to arrive at the crossroads with $172.25 in quarters — all of them minted before 1970. Well, it took about five trips to the bank and a lengthy explanation to TSA. (This was shortly after 9/11. So people were jumpy.) But I did it.
Lenny never showed. But a horned man by the name of Luke did. He said that he would offer me the egg salad recipe in four years’ time, so long as I continued to mention Jonathan Ames’ ongoing developments on my website.
Well, it’s been more than four years. There’s still no egg salad recipe. But I’m a man of my word.
And I’d be remiss if I didn’t refer you to Jonathan Ames’ appearance at Jewcy this week. He’s blogging with Amanda Marcotte in epistolary format.