The United States government has insisted that on Wednesday, it did not fire airstrikes on a wedding party. More than 40 Iraqi citizens were killed and, yes, there was a bride and a groom there. But no, sir, the event was not a wedding party. There was a cake and several people dancing. There were guests, a maid of honor, a best man, and even a wedding singer. But no, the event was not, repeat not, a wedding party.
Under current Pentagon policy, a wedding party must closely resemble the film My Big Fat Greek Wedding. Since the Iraqi “wedding party” had only one culture involved with the “post-coupling event” rather than two, it was not, in fact, a wedding party at all. Since there were no Greeks or Caucasians present, it was not, in fact, a wedding party at all. Since there wasn’t a father with a bottle of Windex (Windex being an anticlimactic presence in the desert sands), the event was not, in fact, a wedding party. Most importantly, there was nobody there named Portokalos.
There were no dead children on the scene. There were, in the words of the Pentagon report, “miniature, tiny-limbed Iraqis who were not exactly alive.”
Because of these and many other mistaken impressions, Maj. Gen. James Matthis, who wears glossy pink fingernail polish and is fond of rolling around naked with refrigerated ground chuck, felt no need to apologize.
“It should be perfectly clear by now that Iraqis are second-rate citizens,” said Matthis. “If these people want to marry and reproduce, then, well, goddammit, they’ll do it where and when we say they will!”
Matthis refused to offer further statements, but he did say that he could be found at the meat locker if anyone else was into “the lifestyle.”