Return of the Reluctant — Robert Shields Version

5:10 PM-5:13 PM: I twiddled my thumbs, contemplating how to kill the last twenty minutes at work. I was sick and tired of answering email. So I figured another blog entry would do. I typed three sentences, then four. Pretty soon I was up to five. I leaned back in my Aeron chair at a 35 degree angle, staring out the window, which was still streaked by the telltale sign of sludge. Then I thought about how utterly pointless it was writing a blog entry in the style of Charles Shields. This wasn’t fair, given that I had only examined one page. And yet I found that this killed time quite nicely.

5:14 PM: Was the last three minutes of writing necessary? Probably not. But I shouldn’t be editorializing here. After all, I’m supposed to describe what I’m doing. And yet since I’ve been sitting on my ass, there isn’t much to say about this that’s exciting. Okay, I just scrunched up my left buttcheek for kicks. Nobody was looking. That’s worth something, isn’t it?

5:15 PM: I think about what happened during 5:14 PM. Did I really scrunch up my left buttcheek because I needed to write about something interesting? Well, yes, I did. Does this mean I’m a sex addict or an exhibitionist? Do I have an ass fetish that I haven’t sufficiently explored?

5:16 PM: I offer a Nazi salute to a co-worker and click my heels. He’s one of the few around here who understands my sense of humor. A risky proposition. I then say goodbye to another co-worker.

5:17 PM: I decide to stop writing in the style of Charles Shields and wonder if there’s any easy way out of this without drawing attention to myself. I scrunch my right buttcheek for symmetrical balance. I then Control-C and Control-V this post into Microsoft Word. 300 words. I’ve been doing this seven minutes. I’d feel a sense of shame if I fired up Accessories/Calculator. So I do the math in my head and it works out to about 40 words/minute.

5:19 PM: What happened to 5:18 PM?

5:19 PM, Part Two: That was too quick an entry for 5:19 PM. I don’t think I’ll ever have to take a nitroglycerine tablet. Or at least I hope not!

5:19 PM, Part Three: This is a long minute.

5:19 PM, Part Four: When will it be 5:20 PM?

5:20 PM-5:21 PM: I go to the restroom. I don’t really have to go, but it’s good exercise. I urinated more piss than I expected to. There is a man in one of the stalls using far too much toilet paper. I know who it is. This might explain why he walks funny.

5:22 PM: I think I preferred 5:21 PM over 5:22 PM.

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