tintifirstclass

Should Hannah Tinti Fly First Class? Find Out for Only $500!

HTML Giant has published an email that is now making the rounds, whereby One Story is attempting to fleece students for a one-week workshop (priced at $1,100) over the pressing question of whether or not they should pursue an MFA.

The ethics, as many have argued in the thread, are dubious.

On the other hand, one has to admire the effrontery. But if One Story is going to ask for a ridiculous sum of money, then I think the time has come for others to ask for equally staggering fees while addressing some of the literary world’s most useless questions. Accordingly, I am proud to announce my newly prepared seminar.

Should Hannah Tinti Fly First Class?

You may have blown your $500 on a needlessly expensive dinner or a high-class whore. But why stop there? For the same price, Edward Champion will happily take your money, bombarding you with speculations, conspiracy theories, and other pieces of information that you are too lazy to research or look up on your own.

The one hour talk will include a Powerpoint presentation that rivals Al Gore’s. It will analyze Ms. Tinti’s travel patterns over the last five years, the pros and cons of coach and business class, the problems that Ms. Tinti has experienced when sleeping on red eye flights, her continued efforts to secure a comfortable middle-class lifestyle, and her unwavering commitment to taking money from naive students. It will demonstrate how you too can begin a career in which you exploit the impoverished.

We are crafting a unique experience, both practical and creative, for anyone who hopes to ensure that Ms. Tinti continues to travel around the world in wanton luxury. We will also be discussing the recent Icelandic volcano, pointing to alternative methods for affluent travel and exciting new methods to pamper Ms. Tinti in five-star hotels if she is ever trapped in Oslo. Students will leave with:

  • A stock portfolio they can use to funnel all future funds into Ms. Tinti’s expenses account
  • Advice from travel agents about what they look for in Ms. Tinti’s first-class experience
  • A full understanding of the range of first-class options (and why traveling in coach is worse than being stuck in a Third World nation)
  • Insight about how first-class travel grants Ms. Tinti an excuse with which to delay any meaningful fiction writing or legitimate encouragement directed towards creative aspirants
  • A breakdown of the potential moods and psychological problems that Ms. Tinti will experience, should she not fly in first-class
  • A community of editors who have had the good fortune to travel first-class at some point over the past five years
  • Access to Edward Champion’s pants
  • A look at the wider publishing world, illustrating how to bankrupt anyone who aspires to be a writer or who dares to write about the world in a non-bourgeoisie manner

All this can be yours for only five Ben Franklins! So don’t delay! Sign up for this most important seminar NOW! Spots are limited!

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2 Comments

  1. Access to Ed’s pants is worth the price alone!

    Those pants are made of GOLD! GOLD!!

  2. Though I enjoy a good satirical rant as much as the next person, you’ve missed your mark here, Ed.

    As an emerging writer published by Hannah Tinti and her co-founder Maribeth Batcha in One Story many moons ago, I owe a good portion of my “career” to their ministrations and encouragement. I don’t know if you’re aware that One Story (with which I am not affiliated in any way other than being an enthusiastic subscriber) is a 501(c)3, which means that no one makes any profit off of it. I happen to know that Hannah receives no financial benefit from One Story (not even a token salary), and has devoted a good chunk of her life (which could be spent on a money-making endeavor) to publishing and championing emerging writers (like yours truly). I believe the magazine receives upwards of 1,000 submissions a month, which need to be read and responded to. They also have to apply annually for numerous grants. If you don’t think editing a magazine is a 60-hour a week job, then you’ve never edited a popular magazine.

    Also, while you may not like the idea of an MFA workshop, perhaps you are not the intended participant. I can see how someone would consider it a good investment to come to New York, spend the week discussing MFA programs with those in the know and polishing a writing sample with amazing editors before they spend 2 -3 years of their lives, uprooting their families and potentially quitting their jobs. And I believe the workshop benefits the magazine, which I may have mentioned is a nonprofit organization.

    There are many people attempting to profit from would-be writers, but to malign Hannah is to denigrate someone who goes out of her way to do exactly the opposite.

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