TO: Buyers of James Frey’s A Million Little Pieces
FROM: Random House
We here at Random House are pleased to announce that we have reached an agreement with readers who were misled by James Frey’s “memoir.” If you purchased a copy of this book, you are entitled to the following refunds:
- If you return the dust jacket of the A Million Little Pieces hardcover and draw a moustache through Mr. Frey’s author photo, you are entitled to a refund of $4.24.
- If you return page 23, fold it in half, and highlight all traces of the word “the” with a 3M Yellow Highlighter, you are entitled to a refund of $12.92.
- If your first name is “James” and you incurred psychological damages because you observed another “James” lying through his teeth, we want to assure you that Mr. Frey was not one of the “good Jameses” and that his actions do not reflect Jameses at large. If you fall into this category, return page 118 unmolested, along with a certified copy of your birth certificate. This is good for a refund of $21.82.
- If you are a friend of Mr. Frey or a member of Frey’s extended family, you are entitled to a refund of $0.14, with the envelope being sent to you with postage due.
- If you send us a videotape, a VCD, or a DVD, in which you can demonstrate that you led or coerced a group of people to throw at least 200 copies into a public bonfire, we would like to offer you a promising career here at Random House. Please get in touch with our Human Resources department.
Please note that all refunds are subject to a number of city, state, and federal taxes. The above costs reflect the amount that Random House will issue you. We cannot guarantee that some irksome governmental agency won’t take a big bite out of our checks. We feel your pain. Oh, boy, do we.
We promise you that we here at Random House are very, very sorry for having misled you. And if you see Mr. Frey in your neighborhood, please tell him to report to the Random House building. We have a windowless room in the basement that we’d like to invite him to spend the rest of his days.
Thank you for your attention.