Ladies and gentlemen, I have written a 10,000 word essay outlining, in intricate and long-winded form, every single evil that the blog HTML Giant has committed. The proprietors have molested several of my closest friends and have had sexual relationships with Lego dinosaurs. They have burned several editions of Joshua Cohen’s Witz and have had the hypocritical temerity to praise him as a genius. They have illegally downloaded Hollywood blockbusters from the Internet and have ripped off mattress tags. They have mugged Gordon Lish on three separate occasions. They have claimed that mouthwash is actually absinthe. They have floated checks, maxed out their credit cards, and cheated on taxes.
These charges against literature and humanity are outlined in detail within my 10,000 word essay, which I have also submitted to the Pulitzer Committee so that they may award me the appropriate cash sum for my unacknowledged genius. However, in order to read my 10,000 word essay, you will have to go to my premium blog:
www.iamneedlesslyangryaboutliterature.blogspot.com
The post is entitled “Bengal Tiger” and is sure to shock the literary community. And if you somehow get through to my super secret premium page and do not find a 10,000 word essay, then the problem is yours, not mine. The essay is very real. And the crimes of the HTML Giant gang are not to be considered lightly. Should you doubt my claims, then you are a sellout. A puppet. A fink. A maggot suckling upon the corporate publishing empire who I will stomp within the illusory comforts of my mind.
This has been a public service announcement. I really, really care about literature. And you must too.
HTML Giant wasn’t interested in publishing this drivel, was it? You can’t even get your submissions taken on half-assed blogs, honey. Time to quit.
Of course one of their major sins is not giving the Cheney snarl when they use the terms postmodern, meta and authenticity. Like a bunch of chumps they seem to derive pleasure from the pain of literature and publishing, not understanding that one does not have to suffer the death of 1,000 edits to make your work taste de-Lish. And, oh yeah, Ed: If you can’t picture yourself kissing Jack London on the lips, you’re dead to me.
According to my diary, I’ve now had 32 dreams in which Jack London and I have rented a motel room, bringing in the wolf and building a bonfire and hanging the DO NOT DISTURB sign on the door.