The Nation Green Preservation Society

Charles has dug up some fascinating info about Bailey’s. Apparently, the creamy liquor is preserved through the whiskey. And it can last as long as two years. However, Bailey’s suggests that you drink it within six months. Charles, however, was able to detect a suitable creamy taste after a year and a half. Presumably, in sharing this information, the company isn’t considering its profits at all. It has only its customers’ best interests at heart.

But all this talk of alcohol preservation has me contemplating the future of liquor, should Bush be elected to a second term.

After the Super Size recall and Ashcroft’s hijinks, I genuinely suspect that we’re going to see bottles that are modified for each individual. A tiny blade will extract a blood sample from each individual purveyor at a liquor store and decide in an instant just how much liquor is good for them. The blood sample will be compared against a database (specifically DUIs and D&D charges), as well as that individual’s tolerance for alcohol.

This will be necessary. Because the state remains convinced that people cannot be responsible for their own lives and, with states bereft of funds, there aren’t any additional funds to educate people. (Plus, parents and people in general are offended too easily. To introduce anything beyond the limited parameters of the No Child Left Behind Act will cause too much trouble.)

Beyond preserving the national supply of Bailey’s, this new bottle technology will raise the price of alcohol (and expand profits and consumer confidence; good for everyone, yo). But, more importantly, it will prevent auto collisions. And the state, in extracting a liberty, will be able to look upon this declining statistic and proudly proclaim its progress. Forget the people thrown in prison on trivial charges or the suspected terrorists hied away to closed military tribunals. Or for that matter the individual’s ability to decide how much alcohol s/he can drink.

Meanwhile, the drugs that harm no one and that do not cause a single fatality will remain criminalized. And the street peddlers susurrating “green bud” will be arrested by a renewed police force. Never mind that these small-time merchants have the same preservationist interests at heart and are probably just as ruthless in their dealings as R & A Bailey & Co.

The important result here is that liquor will be preserved. And people will no longer be sauced on a Saturday night. They will stare like lucid does into the headlights of that steamroller about to mow them down and, with stupid uncritical eyes, not understand that their spirits have been diluted.

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  1. One Thanksgiving, my cousins and I unearthed several ancient bottles of Bailey’s from our grandparents’ liquor cabinet. I am happy to report that eventually, even if the bottle has never been opened, Bailey’s cream will become a solid. Never been able to look at a Caucasian the same since.

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