There’s Clearly a Formula Here

  • [insert author name]’s [latest book from author] has hit bookstores. It’s criminally underated, and [reviewer who writes somewhat intelligently or has interesting take] has an interesting take on why it’s worth your time.
  • Last night, I had a [vaguely personal moment in which I don’t reveal too much of myself to readers, because, based on some of the comments here, I think a few of you are keeping extremely close track of my personal life — for what reason I have no idea]. And it reminded me of [article which probably has nothing to do with moment in question].
  • [Person with no real ideas trying to attract attention] is attacking litblogs again! And [first blogger to get upset, because offering you all this content for free can sometimes be a thankless task] has taken him to task. Meanwhile, [more level-headed litblogger who recognizes that this person just wants attention] offers a contrarian take.
  • [Wacky news story]. Hey, how about that! [Insert hastily formed witticism in which I apply an overly literal reading to form an incongruous association.]
  • [A paragraph of polemical bluster, with at least one ad hominem remark or, failing that, a metaphor that grabs your attention.]
  • Sam Tanenhaus has [well, he could have done anything really, if only he actually contacted me directly instead of asking other people about who I am].
  • [Sex joke.]
  • [Something terrible committed by McSweeney’s or an obscure literary quarterly.]
  • And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention [A friend or acquaintance who has done something interesting, must keep this near the end to avoid favoritism]’s thoughtful project, which should blow the lid on [incongruous reference here because I’m overworked and I need more coffee so that I can stay awake, until such moment as I will be able to properly collapse].

And just to be clear on how formulaic this blog is and how much of a tool I am, Random House sends me a $600 weekly paycheck, Penguin arranges for my Fairmont penthouse suite on the weekends, keeping it well-stocked with champagne, caviar and two prostitutes (because I like things exotic, I prefer to fuck midgets and black women), and Soft Skull keeps the Colombian marching power flowing 24/7.

It’s great being a corporate pawn. It’s great willingly catering to the mainstream. Literature? You think I really give a crap? In fact, I’m getting a blow job right now as I write this post. Life doesn’t get any better.

I don’t think you can find anyone more venal in our society than litbloggers.

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10 Comments

  1. [Hopefully pithy comment congratulating you on your best post ever actually designed to drive traffic toward my own temporarily floundering site.]

  2. I don’t normally make political statements on this blog, but [long, boring rant against Bush Administration that changes nobody’s mind]

  3. [Tacit or direct agreement with assessment of crimes against humanity committed by McSweeney’s, which outs me as Director of Shrill Jealous Haterism of the Vitriol Condemnation Affiliate]

  4. by using brackest in your post have you considered that no trees were used in this comment? my thoughts of dinosaurs being reincarnate to use their petroleum jelly, and coal to power this e-commerce burdens me. come to my reading.

  5. [slightly jokey comment meant to deflate possible flame wars or otherwise make semi-vapid, not-exactly-ironic statements.]

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