Welcome to Isosceles Triangle Coffee!

[JULY 6, 2023 UPDATE: Not merely content to use his influence to get my account banned, harasser Daniel McLaughlin put together a libelous and defamatory six minute video falsely claiming to be a stalker and a harasser. This pathetic accordion player cannot get enough of me, it seems. His campaign resulted in doxing and death threats against me. I have been forced to produce a four-part documentary response called The Softpourn Chronicles, which thoroughly debunks his untrue claims:

Part 1: The Kuleshov Effect
Part 2: The Book of Daniel
Part 3: Stacking the Deck
Part 4: Leave Me Alone]

(EDITOR’S NOTE: This morning, I received some alarming promotional material in the mail from a strange coffee business based in Ohio. The brochure informed me that the proprietor of this business has one million followers on TikTok and the company was hoping that I would “spread the word” on my website about it. But frankly I’m very disturbed by this business’s operating protocol. I have filed complaints with the Cleveland Police Department and the Ohio Secretary of State, but they have refused to investigate Daniel “Danny Boy” McLaughlin, who has apparently sent payola to every known authority to inflate his market dominance and influence. I am publishing this material at considerable personal risk. Because I also received a text claiming that I would be “rubbed out” if I spoke ill of Danny Boy McLaughlin, but I am hoping that the publication will prevent innocent customers from being hurt or murdered. Hopefully, the federal authorities will step in and put a stop to this psychotic’s business practices.]

Here at Isosceles Triangle Coffee, we are determined to offer our customers the most insufferably smug caffeine options known to humankind. (And that’s saying something, given how we operate out of a desolate strip mall in Wickliffe, Ohio!) For one thing, if you walk into our office and you don’t know what a brewing ratio is, our volunteer team of muscleheads will take you out into the back, steal your wallet, and beat the ever-living shit out of you. If you do know what a brewing ratio is, and your answer isn’t somewhere between 1:15 to 1:18, then we will deliver your corpse to your next of kin (shipping and handling fees apply). Because frankly you have no reason to exist on this planet.

It’s important to note that “brewing ratio” was a mythical term concocted by our head roaster and self-appointed deity Danny Boy McLaughlin. He may be lactose intolerant and he may not know how to pour beans into a container without spilling them, but “Shooting Blanks Dan” (as the locals like to call him) is our overlord! And if you don’t refer to our king as “Lord McLaughlin,” he will also snap his fingers and order our thugs to beat you within an inch of your life. Our on-site medic will, of course, attend to your wounds, but only after you buy at least three pounds of our coffee. Frankly, if you can’t imbibe a cappuccino while undergoing a brain hemorrhage, you have no business stepping into our office. To quote from one of our favorite David Mamet movies, coffee is for closers.

If you are not using “brewing ratio” in your everyday vernacular, then nobody in our office will ever talk with you and your money will never be accepted here. Not even for the Leukemia Fund we have set up for the kids.

We use the term “grind size” to refer to Lord McLaughlin’s propensity to use Grindr to let off some steam every now and then. (While it is true that Lord McLaughlin’s appendage is diminutive, any customer who describes it as less than six inches will be shot on sight.) But “grind size” also refers to what we call the “backbone” (and sometimes the “backboner”) of a good cup of coffee. Oh sure, you may think that coffee doesn’t possess a skeletal structure. But you haven’t had our coffee, which has been described by one connoisseur as “delightfully bony, with copious amounts of jizz and a bit of crunch.”

To properly store your coffee, it is important to remember that we gave you a bag. Any Golden Triangle customer caught storing coffee beans outside the bag will be immediately identified as a plebeian and banned from our store for life. But in order to properly preserve coffee flavor, you will need to slap yourself in the face while listening to one of Lord McLaughlin’s six hour motivational videos (at the cost of $99/hour).

You may be faced with the difficult choice of choosing between light, medium, and dark. While most coffee roasters will try to sell you on dark roast, Isosceles Triangle offers the outlier boutique approach of demanding that you order light coffee. Despite light coffee’s dry and dull sheen, it’s the closest roast that aligns with Lord McLaughlin’s pasty white flesh. And since Lord McLaughlin has reminded the staff every day about the importance of keeping white supremacy alive in Ohio coffee joints, we believe that the stronger acidity of light coffee will make you less nervous about wearing a hood and setting a large cross on fire.

The choice is yours. Do you need a grinder? Well, only if you grind your coffee in your kitchen naked, keeping your window blinds open, and telling us the time of your grinding so that Lord McLaughlin can park outside your house and keep his binoculars locked on your naked grinding form as he wanks himself silly in his car. Your coffee will taste better if Lord McLaughlin watches you while masturbating. So we would encourage all of our customers to have a good coffee grinder because Lord McLaughlin often has difficulty landing dates (even when holding a gun to a woman’s forehead, they still say no!). Don’t bother wasting money on a bladed grinder because Lord McLaughlin always has a set of knives in his backpack to take revenge on customers who refuse to follow our exacting protocol.


  1. (EDITOR’S NOTE: On the night of June 26, 2023, the same IP address left three comments under different handles in an attempt to “review-bomb” the author of this piece. The below comment is one such specimen and is preserved in full below to review the full and febrile nature of this hilariously clueless and cowardly troll.)

    This blog post is nothing more than a grotesque caricature, teetering on the precipice of absurdity and buffoonery. It is a chaotic amalgamation of imagined grievances, characterized by vitriolic, vindictive outbursts that besmirch the integrity of the business owner in question.

    The author’s incessant need to ridicule, combined with a predilection for nefarious fabrications, detracts from any semblance of cogent critique. What we have here is a spurious narrative woven together with threads of hyperbole, weaving a tapestry of fallacious accusations that does nothing but engender a sense of disbelief in the reader.

    Instead of taking a balanced, judicious approach, the author indulges in an egregious display of contempt. The overt insinuations, lascivious innuendos, and aberrant humor not only undermine the author’s credibility, they border on psychological harassment.

    The use of this platform as a conduit for personal vendetta is a troubling transgression of journalistic integrity. This diatribe serves as a mirror reflecting the author’s own lack of professionalism and perhaps a deeper psychological tumult. This is not a poignant exposé but rather a disconcerting glimpse into the dark recesses of bitterness and resentment.

    The author’s capricious choice to incorporate slanderous adjectives like “psychotic” into a scathing, unverified critique of a small business owner is anathema to responsible journalism. His penchant for utilizing farcical exaggerations treads on the realm of defamatory rhetoric, and raises serious questions about the author’s commitment to objective reporting.

    This concoction of innuendo and half-truths is seemingly conjured from the abyss of spiteful imagination, indicative of a spiteful, parochial mindset. The author’s implausible allegations and attempts at debasing humor merely illuminate his incapacity to engage in mature dialogue or present a cogent argument.

    What this blog post lacks in veracity, it overcompensates in malevolent fervor, delving into an egregious form of muckraking. The author attempts to veil his animosity under a façade of ostensible concern for prospective customers. But this veneer is translucent, revealing a belligerent intent to cast aspersions on the owner based on biased presumptions. This blog post is not a well-founded criticism, but a tempest in a teapot, stirred by an author more interested in promoting schadenfreude than engaging in sincere discourse.

    In conclusion, this piece is a distasteful amalgamation of invective and innuendo, pervaded by the author’s prejudiced conjecture. The lack of solid evidence or ethical argumentation underscores its purpose as nothing more than a malicious character assault. In future, it would behoove the author to adhere to the tenets of responsible journalism – truth, accuracy, and fairness – rather than resort to this form of unfounded vilification.

    Please forgive my overuse of what are commonly referred to as “fifty cent words”. While I understand that the overuse of these words is typically indicative of a lesser writer, I felt it would help the author understand me better.
    I suppose that’s why he writes in a Blog rather than for something of importance.

  2. Dan, is that you? 😂 This obsessive and longass comment is one of the most hilarious things I’ve read in the last two weeks. It reads like pitch-perfect satire of a pretentious asshole getting worked up over a blog post, except that there is a substantial part of me inclined to believe that the cowardly anonymous author was, in fact, serious. Which makes this bullshit comment even funnier! The overwriting, the completely clueless takeaway (the piece was satire, not journalism, you dope!), the desperate efforts to condemn on specious pretext. Well, thank you, sir, whoever you are (maybe Dan!), because I read this comment (and your other two) in the car home from work and I nearly destroyed my longs from laughing so hard. Well done!

  3. (EDITOR’S NOTE: Another comment from a persistent stalker of mine, who has left three other comments here.)

    Ed’s persistent failure to disentangle his criticisms from his peculiar personal vendetta against Dan is truly cringe-inducing, if I may speak frankly. It is apparent that Ed’s obsession with Dan permeates his thoughts and actions, rendering his critique a mere extension of his own unresolved grievances. Ironically, it was through Dan’s LinkedIn profile where he had shared Ed’s absurd diatribe, that I came across this blog. This interconnectedness adds an intriguing dimension to the discourse, underscoring the underlying dynamics at play. It begs the question of whether Ed’s comments are driven by a genuine concern for the subject matter or simply an avenue to settle one sided personal scores.
    Based on Ed’s replies to my comments, it appears that this blog may reflect the subjective opinions of an individual seeking validation and attention rather than someone with confidence in their work. It is important to approach their statements with a discerning mindset, taking into account any potential personal biases that may be influencing their views. However, it is crucial to critically assess the content presented and evaluate the validity of the arguments put forth.

    All the best to you, Ed.

  4. Ed, maybe you need to self-reflect about why you have like 10,000 enemies in every sphere of your life.

  5. Maybe you should self-reflect about why you don’t have the balls to use your real name, even though I know who you are. You know nothing of my life and your obsession with me is pathetic.

  6. This is bizarre lol
    Stumbled on this when I went to re-order my beans and decided to go a few pages deep in google. The wacky shit you find when bored lmfao

    I feel like you should have a normal conversation with the guy and work out your differences man. I don’t think this is a healthy way to deal with a feud or whatever.
    Not coming at this from a place of hate I just think people should be chill with one another

  7. This motherfucker worked with the TikTok moderators to libel me and helped to kill my account with 40K followers. I do NOT take such efforts lightly. There ARE no differences to work out here, unless he flies to New York and comes to me on his knees, with tears streaming down his eyes, begging for forgiveness. But he’s not going to do that because he’s an smug and opportunistic asshole. And I wish him the worst life possible. But thank you for stopping by. Ha!

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