Option 1: Rambling 2,200 word article.

Option 2: Four-word summary by Edward Champion: “Because she got old.”*

* — And before I am characterized by politically correct readers as an ageist punkass, I should note that one can remain both young at heart and reasonably mature. One such act of maturity involves not embarassing yourself in a major newspaper by lambasting something in an uninformed manner that you can never and will never understand, permitting those who enjoy their cultural fixations to keep tapping their toes. Accordingly, I recuse myself from any further commentary on Napoleon Dynamite.