Year / 2004
The Times: What Is To Be Done
Folks, folks, folks, folks, folks, folks.
It’s terrible news, yes. But it hasn’t happened. It ain’t a fait accompli. Here is what we must do. In order to prevent this horrible thing from happening, we must take action. We cannot just sit back and allow Bill Keller and his puppet NTYBR editor to have their way. We must let the Times know that such a move will destroy the Sunday Times reading experience. We must flood Keller with letters, with phone calls, tell this bonehead that he is eviscerating an institution and that he will face hard consequences if he tampers with something that ain’t that broke to begin with.
For one thing, I’m sure you all have subscriptions that the Times counts upon for revenue. I can tell Keller for a fact that if literary fiction reviews are removed from the Book Review, then I will cancel my subscription, and not even the allure of the crossword or Randy Cohen’s smug columns will bring me back. And I will encourage all of my book-reading friends to do the same.
So let’s hit this Philistine fucker where it hurts. Let’s pick a day and deluge the Times not with emails, but letters, phone calls, faxes, hard things to lodge into their mailboxes, a tangible protest to spell out just why this is a bad idea. Let’s take a stand right now and stop the Times from killing a vital hub for tomorrow’s writers. Nip the fuckers off at the bud and stop giving them any kind of revenue. If it goes down, cancel your subscriptions. Refuse to buy the paper. If fiction is to go, then I’m bolting over to the Post or the L.A. Times for my Sunday newspaper experience.
The Internet was used to give Howard Dean a sizable war chest. It’s been used to draw attention to things that otherwise would have remain ignored. It is a medium that’s been used to polarize. So I’m suggesting that the book blogs, and the journalists, and anyone who cares put their passion where their mouths are.
We can’t allow this to go down without a fight. And even if Keller kills the NYTBR, at least we can say we didn’t try to stop the gorgon.
So who’s with me?
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Remarks from the President
The crazed Dean speech was one thing, but I’m starting to have grave concerns about the President. Here’s a partial transcript:
Remarks by the President to the Press Pool
Plenty O’ Ribs Cafe
Area 51, Roswell, New Mexico
11:25 A.M. MST
THE PRESIDENT: I need some ribs, goddammit.
Q: Mr. President, how are you?
THE PRESIDENT: Shut the fuck up, you gadfly. I’m hungry and I’m going to order some ribs, Laura be damned. I ran six miles today and eviscerated the Bill of Rights a little more. I earned my ribs, don’t you think?
Q: What would you like?
THE PRESIDENT: What do you think I’d like? Ribs. What does a man do in a cafe but order ribs? Do you have any real questions?
Q: Sir, on homeland security, critics say you simply haven’t spent enough to keep this country secure.
THE PRESIDENT: My job is to dry hump this nation. I’m riding bareback, my friend. Who cares about jobs? Who cares about the economy? Who gives a flying fuck about the deficit? We need a space program resembling a really bad Brian De Palma film. But right now I’m here to take somebody’s order. That would be you, Rubber Band Man — what would you like? Stop pestering me with questions and start eating, son. You’re looking a bit thin. Have you been drinking? I drank once, but then daddy bailed me out. Put some of that meager money on the table like a man. This is all about consumer confidence. I don’t care how little they pay you over at the State-Ledger. This is how the economy grows. Max out your credit cards, jeopardize the state budgets. It drives the economy forward. And, no, don’t quote Paul Krugman, you twerp. I’ve had enough of that whiny little bitch. So what would you like to eat?
Q: Right behind you, whatever you order.
THE PRESIDENT: I’m ordering ribs, goddammit. Do you know about unilateral decisions? Well, this is how it works, David, I’m going to order a rib for you and you’re going to eat it. And I’m not going to leave until you nibble that sucker down to the bone.
Q: But, Mr. President —
THE PRESIDENT: No buts, David. This isn’t a press conference. This is about understanding how ribs work. It’s a bad metaphor, but I’m not leaving until you understand it, son. Do you hear?
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Horrible news about the NYTBR‘s change in direction:
Well, if you write non-fiction, review non-fiction, or prefer to read non-fiction, break out the champagne. “The most compelling ideas tend to be in the non-fiction world,” Keller says. “Because we are a newspaper, we should be more skewed toward non-fiction.”
What’s more, if you’re perplexed or simply bored with what passes for smart fiction these days, the Times feels your pain. More attention will be paid to the potboilers, we’re told. After all, says Keller, somebody’s got to tell you what book to choose at the airport.
Personally, I’d rather suffer through Laura Miller’s columns every once in a while than see the Gray Lady cave like this.
(via Old Hag)