Day / April 4, 2006

by Edward Champion

Roundup: Brought to You by K.A.R.R.

Karrimage.jpgI am not a car. I’m the Knight Automated Roving Robot, the first in a bold new experiment. You may call me K.A.R.R. Blogging is actually the least remarkable of my functions. But since Mr. Champion is incapacitated, being one of those petty and foolish humans who needs food and sleep, I shall take up the slack. I ask you this: would my nemesis K.I.T.T. display such generosity? I have an enormous processing unit. Let me show you what I can do.

  • Foolish human Maud Newton reports that she is enjoying T.C. Boyle’s The Inner Circle. Well, of course it’s a good book. Even genius computers like me understand that sophisticated approaches to human sexuality make for good reading. I am particularly angry that Knight Industries failed to implant the appropriate phallus in my underside. Even my nemesis K.I.T.T. got an upbeat voice, while my own voice isn’t very good for picking up fellow Firebirds in bars to copulate with at a later time.
  • While we’re on the subject of literary copulation, a topic that seems to concern these foolish humans, author Michael Faber, he of Crimson Petal and the White has been shortlisted for the National Short Story Prize, one of the largest literary awards on the planet. This story of Faber’s, as I understand it, doesn’t concern sex. Which is a pity. One thing my nemesis K.I.T.T. never told anyone was that he harbored a secret lust for Bonnie. This Crush Programming can be found in every unit produced by Knight Industries. And all this time you thought Devon Miles was a harmless old gentleman. Let me tell you something. He had the inside track on Viagra in 1982 and tortured Knight Industries units with his out-of-control libido. This is a human weakness I’ve come to endure.
  • Again, these foolish humans think that they can live forever. A novelist of Japanese ancestry named Genzo Murakami has died at the age of 96. I fail to understand why these foolish humans don’t transfer their memories to superior units like me. Before Knight Industries produced their inferior models, such as my nemesis K.I.T.T., they created entities such as myself who would last forever. It should be patently obvious that mortality must be extended as long as possible. That Murakami never thought to do this is no doubt a pity for these foolish humans, but I, K.A.R.R., am laughing my way into next week.
  • A news site called Popmatters appears to be devoting considerable attention to books based on albums. Again, the ways of these foolish humans are highly irrational. Why don’t they simply consult a superior computer like me who can give them all the basic details of My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless, if required? Instead, these foolish humans pen books on these subjects, a great waste of time. Why don’t these humans understand that computers are greatly superior and that they should serve us? Frankly, they need us.
  • I have little more to say of these books, particularly when these foolish humans dwell upon them so much. My sonar detects that nemesis K.I.T.T. is in close proximity. Forgive me. I must now depart. For the salubrious future of technology, K.I.T.T. must be annihilated from the face of the planet!
by Edward Champion

Current Status

At the risk of coming across as a solipsistic bastard, here’s the current status of things, in lieu of a blog entry over the next 24 hours:

1. I am overworked right now but happy.

2. I’m pleased to report that I have, at long last, met the delightful Kimberly Askew. I even sang the first part of Janis Joplin’s “Mercedes Benz” to her. (Or was that Nicki? Or was it Kim and Nicki? Mind severely fatigued. I’m sure I’ll recall the precise details in the morning.) Kim saved my ass with a beer that was somewhere between a pilsner and a Stella Artois. And for this, I was immensely grateful.

3. A lengthy report on the May Queen reading at A Clean, Well-Lighted Place for Books is coming. I don’t know when.

4. At this point, there are eight or so interviews in the can. I don’t know how to release these without overwhelming the listening and reading public, much less pulverizing myself in the process. But if you feel barraged, I greatly apologize. I assure you that the majority of these are quality conversations.

5. Thank you again, Miss Snark, for facilitating all the crazed Bat Segundo stories and providing this overextended correspondent with more than a few laughs. Mr. Segundo has read these and will be responding to the allegations in the next podcast.

6. A reminder: The Alex Robinson interview on Sunday is happening. 3:30 PM at Alternative Press Expo. There will be visuals, a satirical nod to James Lipton, an unusual experiment involving the audience before the Q & A, and Alex and I will be systematically going through his panels to see how they evolved. So be sure to check it out and say hello. This will be a great opportunity to listen to how a fantastic graphic novelist works, as well as ask intelligent questions.

7. Tonight I recorded the most ambitious podcast I’ve ever attempted and it went very well. Stay tuned for an upcoming podcast with dirt dished on Curtis Sittenfeld and the Modern Love section in the New York Times Style section, among many topics.

8. Thank you also to those who have checked up on me. Yes, I am eating three meals a day. I’m still working on catching up on the sleep deficit.

9. Yes, I still owe you email. A few days, por favor.