I am not a car. I’m the Knight Automated Roving Robot, the first in a bold new experiment. You may call me K.A.R.R. Blogging is actually the least remarkable of my functions. But since Mr. Champion is incapacitated, being one of those petty and foolish humans who needs food and sleep, I shall take up the slack. I ask you this: would my nemesis K.I.T.T. display such generosity? I have an enormous processing unit. Let me show you what I can do.
- Foolish human Maud Newton reports that she is enjoying T.C. Boyle’s The Inner Circle. Well, of course it’s a good book. Even genius computers like me understand that sophisticated approaches to human sexuality make for good reading. I am particularly angry that Knight Industries failed to implant the appropriate phallus in my underside. Even my nemesis K.I.T.T. got an upbeat voice, while my own voice isn’t very good for picking up fellow Firebirds in bars to copulate with at a later time.
- While we’re on the subject of literary copulation, a topic that seems to concern these foolish humans, author Michael Faber, he of Crimson Petal and the White has been shortlisted for the National Short Story Prize, one of the largest literary awards on the planet. This story of Faber’s, as I understand it, doesn’t concern sex. Which is a pity. One thing my nemesis K.I.T.T. never told anyone was that he harbored a secret lust for Bonnie. This Crush Programming can be found in every unit produced by Knight Industries. And all this time you thought Devon Miles was a harmless old gentleman. Let me tell you something. He had the inside track on Viagra in 1982 and tortured Knight Industries units with his out-of-control libido. This is a human weakness I’ve come to endure.
- Again, these foolish humans think that they can live forever. A novelist of Japanese ancestry named Genzo Murakami has died at the age of 96. I fail to understand why these foolish humans don’t transfer their memories to superior units like me. Before Knight Industries produced their inferior models, such as my nemesis K.I.T.T., they created entities such as myself who would last forever. It should be patently obvious that mortality must be extended as long as possible. That Murakami never thought to do this is no doubt a pity for these foolish humans, but I, K.A.R.R., am laughing my way into next week.
- A news site called Popmatters appears to be devoting considerable attention to books based on albums. Again, the ways of these foolish humans are highly irrational. Why don’t they simply consult a superior computer like me who can give them all the basic details of My Bloody Valentine’s Loveless, if required? Instead, these foolish humans pen books on these subjects, a great waste of time. Why don’t these humans understand that computers are greatly superior and that they should serve us? Frankly, they need us.
- I have little more to say of these books, particularly when these foolish humans dwell upon them so much. My sonar detects that nemesis K.I.T.T. is in close proximity. Forgive me. I must now depart. For the salubrious future of technology, K.I.T.T. must be annihilated from the face of the planet!
© 2006, Edward Champion. All rights reserved.