_________ Is/Are Killing the Novel

Here’s a helpful list for New York freelancers who need to write a needlessly alarmist newspaper piece about what may be killing the novel. So if you’ve run out of ideas and don’t quite know an angle, here are some casuistic ideas for your future pitches! Remember, if you collect a check from any of these ideas, I’m only asking 5%. Be sure to send a check to me within 45 days after the piece runs. Good luck and Allah’s speed!

  • Global warming
  • David Hasselhoff
  • Sudoku puzzles
  • People who are really into Settlers of Catan
  • Tao Lin
  • The bottled water industry
  • Right-wing French joggers
  • Waffles and pancakes
  • Men who leave the toilet seat up
  • Women who leave the toilet seat up
  • Pet dogs who have been trained by their masters to keep the toilet seat up with their paws
  • Marxists
  • Eucharists
  • Tom Cruise (or any famous Scientologist, really)
  • Eco-friendly organic pizzeria owners
  • Pot smokers
  • Golfers
  • Matt and Daniel Mendelsohn
  • Lev and Austin Grossman
  • Edward Champion
  • Killroy


  1. I’m still a bit boggled by the furor in France over Sarzoky’s sweaty jogging. I have underestimated his skills if he really is using it to spread his right-wing propaganda. I vote for him as the murderer. (V.S. Naipaul should be up there too.)

  2. The internet

    The blurring of fact and opinion by bloggers in Terre Haute

    Hillary Clinton

    Gordon Brown

    Gordon Ramsay

    Gordon Sumner

  3. I heard that you and your band threw out your novels and bought quills–you’re gonna make a Shakespeare play.

  4. Definitely not the pot smokers… They’re too busy thinking about writing novels to kill any…that, an eating a lot of Oreos…

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