A User’s Guide to Recovering from Memorial Day Weekend

1. Above all, don’t panic. Going back to work isn’t as dreadful as it seems. Keep in mind that you essentially have a four-day workweek ahead of you. Your co-workers will be sympathetic to your readjustment. And if they aren’t, invent an imaginary newspaper article pointing out how holidays lead to temporary malaise extending into across the midweek swath into Wednesday. You can get away with this, because, quite frankly, nobody read the papers over the weekend.

2. Yes, there’s a ridiculous email backlog and there weren’t as many books finished as you had hoped. Yes, you may have even succombed to paying for that silly Roland Emmerich eco-disaster movie or perhaps engaged in the horrors of television. But the good news is that you can go back to your routine, such as it was. People in general will be slower, thanks in part to the overall lack of holidays in the United States of America, and the strange turn of fortune that momentarily granted the public a three-day weekend (that is, if they were lucky not to be working in the service sector).

3. When in doubt, resort to coffee. Its efficacy can never be underestimated. This woozy Tuesday isn’t unlike a hangover, what with your body drooping out of bed and your shirt being slightly more difficult to put on. But the good news is that if you didn’t drink last night and slept horribly, the coffee will have an even greater effect than before.

4. You can always relax again. Either tonight or next weekend. However, keep in mind that this time, it might be prudent to accomplish something, if only to make up for the debauchery.

5. Please know that it was perfectly fine for you to lounge about the living room while other people paid homage to the deaths of soldiers.

6. If you saw that eco-disaster movie, know that Dennis Quaid will eventually slip from your mind.

7. When in doubt, sexual release, whether solo or with another partner, is a pretty solid cure-all, particularly during lunch hour.

8. If you’re terrified by the idea of cooking tonight, keep in mind that there is probably a good deal of food in the fridge that you can reheat. Your overcompensatory zeal in the food department, together with such ubiquitous technology as the microwave oven, should get you through dinner tonight.

9. Set at least two goals that you must accomplish before bedtime. Make these modest goals. Things like balancing your checkbook or reading a Dr. Seuss book. You can save the loftier accomplishments (climbing Kilmanjaro on Wednesday, performing philanthropic CPR on a colostomy bag on Thursday) for later.

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