An Open Letter to Fake Squealy Women

Dear Fake Squealy Women:

First off, allow me to distinguish between you and your counterparts: specifically, those genuinely squealy women or women with naturally adenoidal voices. I have no specific grievance towards this particular population cluster. Because they are, at least, authentic. Rather, my beef is with you.

Here’s the way it works: Every so often, as I listen or otherwise get my tongue tied up in knots over you, you open your mouth and begin to talk back, thus beginning an amicable colloquy. With most women, this is quite pleasant and intoxicating — particularly if you are smart, sexy and playful. But, with you, fake squealy women, what transpires during this rejoinder is something infinitely disheartening. You see, instead of responding with a natural voice, you decide to adopt a squealy and nasal air, as if the entire world has somehow transformed into helium and entered the confines of your skulls. There is a decided effort and highly noticable inflection in the words you speak. There is often fake laughter directed at statements we make that are not, in fact, jokes but sober ruminations that we are intending to share with you and feel you out on. Yet somehow you think that we have absconded with Oscar Wilde’s throne. What you put on here is clearly a performance. And yet you insist that this is the way you naturally talk. Little do you realize, fake squealy women, that despite being male and relatively clueless, we are not dumb. We do in fact talk with your friends and ferret out the truth.

Even in non-dating circumstances, fake squealy women, you still do this, particularly if you are employed in the public relations or human resources department. Why is this? Do you want to perpetuate this heinous gender divide? Do you want to sustain the atavistic notion that women are somehow dumber than men? Do you not realize how unbecoming and unattractive these faux oxygen-sapping vocal inflections are? Do you not realize, fake squealy women, that when you are over thirty and still doing this that you come across not as cute but sad?

My obsession with sex and the female anatomy is no less ineluctable, juvenile and boundless than that of my colleagues. Nevertheless, there is a clear line of demarcation between putting on a funny voice for a bit of adolescent fun and objectifying yourself by completely coming across as an idiotic airhead (when you are likely smarter). I’m hoping that I can appeal to all of you to stop this damn nonsense and speak with your genuine voices. When you have a conversation with a man longer than five minutes, I should point out that the man is not a policemen and this is not a speeding ticket that you are talking yourself out of.

Or perhaps, fake squealy women, you’re terrified of being yourself.

Very truly yours,

Edward Champion

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  1. You know, I hear this voice all the time now and honestly don’t know what to make of it. You really think it’s put on? But why? Why? It’s so unbearably unattractive, And I can’t imagine going to the trouble to cultivate the sound, which would involve — what, exactly? Reciting into a tape recorder? Having a little voice party with your girlfriends?

  2. Here’s what’s ironic: Reese Witherspoon — whom you so sadly CRITIQUE IN HER CELLULOID FOR ABOVE — just harshed on actresses for pretending to be dumbasses all the time in this month’s Marie-Claire.

    And, on a related note, I am shocked – SHOCKED – that you don’t read Marie-Claire.

    Yours sincerely,

    Squeeeel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Burble!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aiyeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    P.S. Seriously though someone give that Renee Zellwegs a shot. She talks like her throat is slowly swelling up from a bee sting. To say nothing of her face.

  3. I had an old roomate with a squeaky voice. We called her bird-voice, affectionately. She really had no control over it, and she was clearly intelligent. My own personal hypothesis was that it was a result of many years of copious pot smoking. Luckily, her actions otherwise helped her dance beyond the surprising first impression stamped by her vocal range, and her pot consumption. Sometimes you gotta love a girl, chirps, smokes, and all. I’m not always so tolerant though.

  4. Thank you for this. I cannot tell you how much I *despise* when women speak like this. Pair this vile fakery with the “little girl with a sore throat” growliness and I could almost smack the false nine year old. This article is from August of last year and I could swear it has gotten worse. I work in customer service and speak to many women who employ this voice and it is like nails on a chalkboard and mostly comes from the stay at home mommy set (well, a sub-set of stay at home mommies for whom staying at home is more of a status symbol, like oversized homes and SUV’s) For whatever reason, some women have gone from being Riot Grrl’s in the middle to late 90’s to the present day effort to be a “precious little darling” in short order. I suppose someday, those women will find their real voices when their husbands finally leave them for the younger helium voiced, bubble-headed version of themselves.

    I suppose this falseness goes right along with the false piety, pretend wealth and faux heightened social satus that is oh-so-popular these days.

  5. Are you kidding me? I LOVE those high pitched squealy giggles! It just melts my heart whenever I hear ANYBODY do that adorable squeal, weather she’s 10 or 30! I love it when girls squeal. Its cute!

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