Category / Blogging

by Edward Champion

Movable Hype 3.2 Released

SAN FRANCISCO (AP): This morning, Sick Apart managed to stop the earth’s rotation as they released Movable Hype 3.2, the latest version of their overpriced software. Geeks, needing a new fix and locked into high anxiety (with a steady upsurge in cardiac arrest) after learning earlier this year that Apple would be using Intel microprocessors, worked themselves into a frothy lather the very minute the latest version of Movable Hype was released. They pledged their firstborn children to Sick Apart, hoping to support the college fund for Anal Dash’s children. They downloaded pictures of Vern and Myrna Glottal Stop, replacing their Norman Rockwell paintings with these safe and delightful images, and remarked upon how cute these people were. (Every company needs a few icons!) They offered credit card numbers and sent Paypal funds with unfettered brio. This was indeed a cash bonanza.

Here are some of the features you get with the new version:

  • Glitzy Interface: Forget functionality. All along, Movable Hype has been about looking sleek. Your post will still take forever to process as your server struggles to process unruly CGI scripts. And being a company run by a bunch of upstart kids, Sick Apart has never once considered the fact that vision actually declines over the years. So the typeface within that “Entry Body” box is smaller than ever! For an extra $20, the Old Fart Plug-In will assuage this problem.
  • More Frustrations for Additional Users: It’s now easier for anyone to get annoyed by the Movable Hype license agreements. Start as many blogs as you want! But let our powerful tools frustrate you if you have a guest blogger stop on by. Because this is an army of one. Remember, kids. Blogging isn’t about community. It’s about narcissistic empowerment.
  • Personal Community Management: Like other companies, don’t expect to call us on the phone. Expect a reply by email when we get around to it. Feel free to shell out your $100 and never expect to be able to talk to anyone without paying a substantial sum after 30 days! Our Personal Community Management will have you struggling to find an answer in the Movable Hype Knowledge Base. That’s what we call empowerment, kids!
  • More Spam Comments: Just when you thought you couldn’t get enough of this odious clutter in your blog and your email, we’ve once again completely failed to help you here. But with the new version, you will have at least seven spam-related comments less than you had before. And I’m sure we can all agree here that it’s all about gradual development, no?

Because remember. At Sick Apart, blogging’s not about personal expression. It’s about cash and silly hype. If this emphasis weren’t clear enough, we’ve actually referred to our work here as “tools” instead of “scripts.” Further, we’ve had the audacity to tell you that this release has “gone gold,” as if we had just released a multidisc version of a next-generation, graphics-intensive first-person shooter.

But we hope that you’ll keep believing us when we say that, as the cash flows in from you suckers, the last laugh is truly on us!

by Edward Champion

Future Posts from Radiohead’s Blog

Radiohead has started a blog. What follows are future entries that will appear on this exciting new experiment:

is anybody in there?

hello? mom? will somebdy hold me?
hving difficultees splling
with all the poundz i threw in the lift
can only afford dialllup
u think they caught on to our scam?
releasing same albumm
again & again
ed’s getting sik of the same old liks
wants me to whine less

will post more late

Thom

* * *

studio

wea regoing in tomorrow
record company says produce same
but keep edgy enough to avoid coldplay sound
colin going for more funk
to throw listner core off
make ’em think hail was an aberration

what do you think, phil? does “kid b” work?

Thom

* * *

fuckin thom

i’m getting sick of his shit
so we start the blog and guess who’s the one rambling incoherently?
why, thom, of course
i keep telling him that we need to do another “ok computer”
more strange transitions three minutes in
he says more songs
we need a retirement fund
back in oxford, it wasn’t like this
fucker…I’m going to beat the shit out of him if he goes for that falsetto again
why does he have to expose his vocal limitations so blatantly?

colin

* * *

GUITAR

Look, I’m just the other guy who plays guitar. If they want to believe that we’re the next Beatles or the next U2, let them dream their little dream. At least we make thirtysomethings happy, finding the common ground between totally selling out and providing enough of a mellow sound not to frighten the yuppies who are afraid of a little edge.

Jonny

by Edward Champion

Yes, We’ve Sold Out

Finally, one of our esteemed colleagues had the balls to point out the obvious. All this time, while we organized groups to discuss neglected authors, delved into the world of podcasting, and had the temerity to redesign this site so that it was easier on the eye, our purpose all along was to start reading junk like Dan Brown and J.K. Rowling. To hell with Chris Sorrentino, Lee Martin, Kirby Gann, or Elliot Perlman. Pay no attention to Soft Skull or Melville House. All along, it’s been our secret desire to lie to you about the hacks and the wastrels who continue to have their work published because it sells.

That’s because we’re apparently a “mainstream bookblogger.” We’re so mainstream that we successfully avoided the cut at Forbes — lest they announce our grand deception to embrace the capitalist system in all its totality. It’s why we flew to New York for BookExpo. We slept with at least fifteen publicists while we were there and had a tray of canapes served on a publicity manager’s back. We called her “Rover.” She barked every time we put a Ben Frankin in her mouth. Word on the street is that we’re now something of a “sugar daddy.”

We used our sizable LBC influence to ensure that a book as scabrous and mainstream as Kate Atkinson’s Case Histories won the last round. And rest assured, the book with the biggest publicity budget will win, come September. Substantial checks are being sent as we speak.

It was our maintream status, of course, that forced us to renounce the Tanenhaus Brownie Watch and that compelled us to avoiding any image-invisible content.

Selling out has, in fact, been the best possible thing we’ve ever done. And we encourage you to do the same. Because that’s the way things work in 21st Century America. The men with the fine suits always win.

So buckle up, kids. You can be sugar daddies (and sugar mommies) too!