If you’ve ever made the drive to Reno or you’ve had the good fortune of riding today’s version of the Central Pacific Railroad, chances are you’re familiar with the Cape Horn grade. Near Colfax, the railroad juts upward and if you are fortunate enough to ride the railroad, one makes out a stunning view overlooking the American River.

The story promulgated over the years is that the grade was effected by Chinese laborers. White men could not do it. Indeed, they could not be coaxed to stick around, despite the best efforts of CP flack men. The Chinese did. And in fact, when they saw the diabolical mountain, they persuaded the engineers that they could cut through it. They did so by constructing sturdy bamboo baskets hung ominously over a vertical precipice. The laborers worked tirelessly, drilling gunpowder into the ravine and exploding staggering amounts of mountain rock for the cutaway view in existence today. And the tale of Cape Horn’s creation (along with the exploitation of Chinese laborers) stands as a West Coast legend comparable to Dutch settlers bamboozling Manhattan Island from natives for about twenty-four dollars in jewelry.

Edson T. Strobridge, however, disagrees with this well-established story (spelled out in nearly every railroad history book). While I admire the audacity of his brazen stance, one has to consider his ulterior motives. It ws James Harvey Strobridge who was, after all, the foreman of the project. Strobridge, so the story goes, was initially resistant to using Chinese labor. But when work progressed, even he had to confess that they got the job done.

One of Edson T. Strobridge’s chief defenses is that no record of the Cape Horn cut can be found in Collis P. Huntington’s papers. Well, it’s worth noting out that the CP also didn’t keep a record of Chinese casualties either. It strikes me as a bit naive for anyone to assume that businessmen would memorialize their more illicit deals.

It’s also difficult for anyone to remain objective when they are more concerned with restoring the reputation of “much maligned” ancestors. The history of the railroad is ripe with fantastic achievements and scandals from laborers and businessmen alike. But when hot heads get in the way of exposing human achievement, it’s about as distasteful as reading a priapic military historian who arrives on the scene with preconceived notions.

8:37 A.M. CST

THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. Laura and I were greatly inconvenienced by all this talk of generosity. You see, we could care less about this tsunami mess. We’re busy fighting a war. Can’t you leave us alone?

Nevertheless, there were 60,000 people or so who lost their lives and the last thing we want to do is send you mexed missages. I won’t even try to pronounce “Sri Lanka.” I spent three hours this morning trying to wrap that damn three-letter word around my tongue and failed miserably.

So let’s just say that our prayers go out to the people who had to pay for their passports. We apologize for the inconvenience. This country is committed to spending the next four years searching for its heart and its soul. Our embassies are having a grand old time, coming back to the homeland in their first-class passenger seats in time for the Haliburton new year’s party. I understand there will be ribs.

This morning, I spoke with the leaders of India, the nation that ends with Lanka, Thailand (where I told them to stop with the pad stuff, which is too spicy for a Texan’s stomach) and Indonesia, and expressed my condolences while trying to suppress my own personal laughter. And if you don’t believe how manly I was or that I actually made these telephone calls, I invite you to look at this picture. Do you see how in command I am? There are not one, but two phones on the table. And there are some papers too that I’m using to get that whole Lanka thing down. You see? I’m presidential.

Make no mistake: the tsunamis are either for us or against us. Through federal matching funds and the cutting of one $20 million plane, we have upped our figure to $35 million in aid to deal with this thing. (And besides, we’re too busy spending $40 million on my second inauguration.) Why, that’s enough to give these nations 35 million Popsicles. And that’s a good thing. Because when I was a boy, a Popsicle really brightened my day. And these people sure need bright’ning.

It’s hard work. Secretary Powell is working very hard. And we know that the other countries are working very hard. But when people are working very hard, it’s difficult to send a wire transfer. But we need to clamp down on our budgets and let the world know that, even when we deliver a chump change contribution, this tsunami conflict is about us. We are the most generous nation in the world. We have evidence that links the tsunamis to weapons of mass destruction. And we will prevail.

Thank you.