Monty Python Predicted It in 1972!

Not too long ago, I attended a quiet party (and wrote about my experience and lost a 3,000 word post about this). My basic conclusion was that a quiet party involved the same principles as a meat market. My wit, my esoteric references and my sonnets (in true meter!) were lost upon the women who I was “flirting” with via 3×5 cards. They wanted more declarative sentences and debauchery. Well, fair enough. But I had a good time and somehow managed to finagle a date out of it.

Now, however, I think I’ve found a dating alternative in which I may have a distinct advantage: literary speed dating. Although it’s a bit criminal to have only six minutes (well, more like two or three really, given that there’s another person) to discuss William Gaddis’s The Recognition. It’s not unlike the Summarize Proust Competition. In fact, some of the dateless participants mght indeed have “masturbation” as a hobby! (via Sarvas)

Wenclas Covers Up Nasdijj Worship

Radosh has the scoop. Apparently, the ULA’s ability to detect charlatans only applies in hindsight. (via Number One Hit Song)

Incidentally, the ULA cache claims that the source came from edrants. But I should point out that it was the imposter who identified himself as “Nasdijj” who left a comment, not me.

In the meantime, to prove that I am not a demi-puppet, I publicly challenge King Wenclas to talk about these inconsistencies and other issues on The Bat Segundo Show, if he dares. King, if you’re out there, you know my email. If so, drop me your phone #. Do you have what it takes to tango with the Bat?

Today Takes Us Elsewhere…

…but…

Bob Hoover’s Columns Ghostwritten?

I was hoping that Bob Hoover, who I understand to be a man of impeccable if questionable editorial standards, might have the courage to respond to the many allegations leveled against him by the blogosphere, but it appears that this week’s biweekly column, while given a Bob Hoover byline, is apparently authored by one Len Barcousky. Could it be that Bob Hoover’s too occupied right now to respond to the facts in that inimitable Hooveresque style? Darn! And here I was hoping that Bob Hoover would tear us a new one! Or perhaps Bob Hoover is a figment of the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette‘s imagination! Perhaps Hoover is really Barcousky! Or maybe there really isn’t a Bob Hoover! Which means that the blogosphere expended a good deal of energy defending themselves against the White Rabbit! I don’t know about you, but I won’t be sleeping easy tonight.

In Defense of Cultural Reference

Jessa Crispin offers yet another one of her trademark “I hate it so I’ll spew vile without supportive examples” columns for the Book Standard. Beyond the troubling hyperbole (“Those books should die”), strangely reminiscent of an infamous 1933 conflagration, there are troubling generalizations here.

For one thing, Crispin cites only one novel (Miss Misery) while declaring a rampant epidemic. She writes, “Do we need to know what beverage these characters drank before filling out their meme? Good God, no,” before declaring, “It’s making an entire generation of men’s writing look bad.”

Let us give Crispin the benefit of the doubt, assuming for a moment that this emoboy novel plague has, in fact, tarnished the edifices of every Manhattan building, that nearly every publishing executive and publicist is hot to trot for the next touchy-feely dick lit title, and that half of every novel turned out by a thirtyish male writer might be styled “emoboy.” Even if Crispin utterly loathes these books (assuming that she can identify a second one beyond the Andy Greenwald title), is not Crispin’s complaint not with the books, but with the type of man portrayed in these books? And if fiction has a duty to portray the culture around us, is it not obligated in some way to present the banal fixations or the ugliness of this so-called emoboy culture so that future generations might understand it? (I’ll get back to this rhetorical question in a trice. Bear with me.)

Why set limits on what today’s novelists write about?

Further, what exactly is wrong with reference? When someone writes that they enjoyed last night’s Arctic Monkeys show, how are they capitulating to product placement or name dropping? It is no different from having seen Hostel the other night or watched the latest episode of The Bachelor. Or, for that matter, brushing one’s teeth. Whether we like it or not, we’re living right now in a world of cultural reference. And for those who decry this or require copious amounts of Percoet to cope, I would suggest that they take up the pen themselves or they come up with an alternative for how novelists should chronicle this, rather than dimissing, without example or justification, a novelist’s initial attempts to come to terms with this sociological phenomenon.

Cultural generalizations sometimes have certain advantages. To use Crispin’s example, anyone who is even remotely a music geek or a concertgoer knows that a My Morning Jacket fan in his early thirties is going to be one of those types still struggling to justify his desire to rock out while paying a mortgage or beginning a family. (Here in San Francisco, you often see such types at Bimbo’s 365 for lo-fi bands and, in the worst cases, for utterly shallow performers like Josh Rouse.)

I think that these so-called “emoboy novelists” (which, until further examples are provided, we can confine only to Greenwald) are merely describing the world around them, not trying to show how hip they are. Granted, when pop cultural references are used exclusively as a crutch and there is nothing more than these references, I agree with Ms. Crispin that this may be a problem. Then again, who are any of us to suggest that a particular writer’s method of chronicling the world is the right one? It seems then that Crispin has adopted the reactionary (and currently favorable) tone of such traditional critics as B.R. Myers and James Wood, whereby any novel outside hard realistic fiction should be dismissed on sight.

To go back to this question of cultural references as a qualifier, I should note that one cannot imagine reading the plays of Moss Hart and George Kaufman without the cultural references. In The Man Who Came to Dinner (and this is just at the top of my head; I know this because I once acted in a community theatre production of this play and in fact begged the director to keep in the 1930s-specific cultural references, despite the fact that we all knew they’d puzzle the audience), there are references to Philo Vance, Schiaparelli, Man Ray, the Maharajah, and Louella Parsons. Most of these are uttered by the protagonist Sheridan Whiteside and are absolutely indispensable in showing the considerable class division between Whiteside’s smug yet debilitated position and the earnest small-town eccentrics who try to attend to him.

But cultural reference goes far beyond mere class division. A few years ago, on a hypercurious lark, I went to the San Francisco Main Library and began photocopying Herb Caen’s columns from the San Francisco Chronicle. I still have an extremely thick bulging folder filled with these photocopies. I started from the beginning at 1938, studying them to see what had become of the City I loved so much. I discovered such fascinating (and forgotten) cultural references as the below:

  • Pins and Needles — The only Broadway hit produced by a labor union.
  • The Martha Washington Candy Shop chain — Once a prominent candy chain, the See’s of its time, and fondly remembered by many for its vanilla butter cream coated with dark chocolate.
  • The WPA Music Project — An opportunity for musicians to get funding during lean times. Even if the music might have been amateurish, there is still a very fascinating story of stipend cuts (with funds reallocated to interbay transport) which permitted the Oakland musicians to meet with the San Francisco musicians, and vice versa — thus giving the name an indisputably frugal association.
  • Alexander’s Ragtime Band — A hugely popular movie laden with historical inaccuracies (such as telephones appearing before their time), likely joked about among film geeks during the time in much the same way that today’s film geeks joke about the watches in Spartacus or the fact that Krakatoa is actually west of Java.
  • The Yosemite — the last ferry to transport cars across the Bay as the Golden Gate Bridge opened.

I should point out that many of these references simply involved the names alone and I had to find the context on my own. But doing the detective work proved invaluable for understanding some of the references I found repeated throughout Caen’s columns and within other literature that I had read from the same time period. More importantly, it gave me a sense of understanding the way that people related to each other. Because for the people who lived in the 1930s, these names and places were vitally important cultural reference points in their daily lives.

It’s often difficult for any of us operating in the present to understand just how ephemeral our world is and how the memories we hold dear, whether it involves meeting the love of one’s life for the first time while listening to Ella Fitzgerald playing in a Peet’s Coffeehouse. Sometimes the ineffable nature of a fluttering heart means that a writer must resort to a certain context in order to come closer to the experience. Further, whether fiction writers realize this or not, they are to some extent chroniclers and historians. So if we declare war on cultural reference and discourage its propagation, then how will tomorrow’s scholars (or amateur photocopiers) know precisely how or in what context (even the shallow ones) that we lived?

On Tome Kvetchers

There is a peculiar type of literary snob which I’ll call the tome kvetcher: generally, a miserable individual so utterly stingy about books that they have almost completely lost the capacity to enjoy them.  Despite having a case stocked with 600 unread books, the tome kvetcher will never able to “find a book to read.”  And if we take this grievance at face value, it is as preposterous as suggesting that a deep sea fish will never be able to find an oxygen molecule to take in through its gills. For even if we apply Sturgeon’s law, 600 unread books turns up 60 very good titles.  And this is assuming that the tome kvetcher, who has already applied standards that are probably more elitist and ridiculous than the average literary connoisseur, has obtained or purchased all of the books himself!

Bad enough that the tome kvetcher fails to live dangerously and/or actively, simply pulling a random book from the shelf and seeing if it rocks his world, but the tome kvetcher often takes out this batty neurosis on peers (strangely similar to how trust fund kids complain about how “bored” they are, despite the fact that their parents have purchased every known possession and then some for them and have spent countless dollars on psychotherapy and antidepressants and acupuncture and various editions of the Ungame) and expects them to empathize with this horrible malady.  For the tome kvetcher, this apparent inability to take the plunge, something that most well-adjusted readers seem to manage on a regular basis without bitching about it, is an existence tantamount to starving in Ethiopia.  One often hears a tome kvetcher moaning loudly in a bookstore, often disrupting those who are truly excited to be surrounded by so many fabulous books, and one ponders calling the men in white suits. 

Maybe my own thoughts on tome kvetchers are heavily influenced by the considerable galley guilt that has kicked in and because I am touched by the fact that so many nice people send me books while also saddened that I cannot possibly read them all and that I must purge (and possibly because I was raised polite and am, in general, a veritable ball of enthusiasm), but by what right and for what purpose do these tome kvetchers exist?  Do you mean to tell me that of all the great books published through the past few centuries that you cannot find even one to satisfy you or give you pleasure, wisdom or joy?  Do you mean to suggest that you are wasting hours of your life shifting books around just to find one that will fit your finicky standards, which will of course change later because your tastes are about as dependable as driving a Kia cross-country? 

Well, if that’s the kind of gloomy life you lead, then why the hell are you reading in the first place?

75 Books, Book #4

You may be shocked to hear this, but I didn’t do a lot of reading over the three-day weekend.  Book #4 was David Mitchell’s Black Swan Green.  I’ll withhold my opinion until I get a chance to take this up with Megan.  Needless to say, my reaction is extremely complicated and requires a good deal of thought.  I read this book very slowly for a reason.  I’ll only say that I think this novel was definitely the right step forward for Mitchell.  But it’s an ambitious attempt that’s definitely going to split readers.  I think we’re going to see the same heated and divisive reactions that we saw with Ian McEwan’s Saturday.  More to follow.

NBCC, NBA — What’s the Difference?

The National Book Critics Circle Award nominees have been announced.  And, rather suspiciously, it resembles the National Book Award nominees.  Will Vollmann garner another win?  Or will it be Mary Gaitskill this time?  Personally, I feel very sorry for all the non-Didion nominees in the autobiography section. Here’s the full slate:

FICTION:

  • E.L. Doctorow, The March
  • Mary Gaitskill, Veronica
  • Andrea Levy, Small Island
  • Kazuo Ishiguro, Never Let Me Go
  • William T. Vollmann, Europe Central

NONFICTION:

  • Svetlana Alexievich, Voices From Chernobyl: The Oral History of a Nuclear Disaster
  • Robert Fisk, The Great War for Civilisation: The Conquest of the Middle East
  • Ellen Meloy, Eating Stone: Imagination and the Loss of the Wild
  • Caroline Moorehead, Human Cargo: A Journey Among Refugees
  • Anthony Shadid, Night Draws Near: Iraq’s People in the Shadow of America’s War

BIOGRAPHY:

  • Kai Bird and Martin J. Sherwin, American Prometheus: The Triumph and Tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer
  • Carolyn Burke, Lee Miller: A Life
  • Jonathan Coe, Like a Fiery Elephant: The Story of B.S. Johnson
  • Doris Kearns Goodwin, Team of Rivals: The Political Genius of Abraham Lincoln
  • Ron Powers, Mark Twain: A Life

AUTOBIOGRAPHY:

  • Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking
  • Francine du Plessix Gray, Them: A Memoir of Parents
  • Judith Moore, Fat Girl: A True Story
  • Orhan Pamuk, Istanbul: Memories and the City
  • Vikram Seth, Two Lives

CRITICISM:

  • Hal Crowther, Gather at the River: Notes from the Post-millennial South
  • Arthur Danto, Unnatural Wonders
  • William Logan, The Undiscovered Country: Poetry in the Age of Tin
  • John Updike, Still Looking: Essays on American Art
  • Eliot Weinberger, What Happened Here: Bush Chronicles

POETRY:

  • Simon Armitage, The Shout
  • Manuel Blas de Luna, Bent to Earth
  • Jack Gilbert, Refusing Heaven
  • Richard Siken, Crush
  • Ron Slate, The Incentive of the Maggot

To Bitch or Not To Bitch?

Over the years, I, Bob Hoover, grumpy and small-time newspaper columnist, have dedicated this space to covering PTA meetings, bowling championships and bake sales. I’ve spent twenty-five years climbing out of the morass, becoming bitter and watching my hair recede and having to depend upon Viagra and an expensive instructional video to maintain any hope of an eclectic sex life. You’ll never catch me writing a newspaper column just after vacuuming (Hoovering, if you will) the house. Why, I save such chores for my dutiful wife. Because she knows and I know that, while I lost my enthusiasm for books long ago, I still have these columns to bang out. All adhering to the boring and inoffensive Post-Gazette template, all sucked of life and passion and the things I initially got into journalism for. All about as enthralling as the Pittsburgh Policeman’s Ball, which, as it so happens, I attended last Tuesday.

This is what journalism is and should remain. A place where editors who look suspiciously like Don Rickles cry poo-poo on the young upstart litbloggers, who are unpaid and make the occasional spelling mistake and who threaten to usurp reputations.

We conform to these rules because we need to justify our employment, and we respect our septuagenarian subscribers by giving them humorless news so watered down that the very fact-checking we purport to uphold is rote and meaningless. Frankly, we’re jealous that something like The Smoking Gun can beat us to the punch. We’re newspapermen, dammit! We’re intended to control today’s media! It’s just not fair!

If I make a mistake, I am flogged, beaten, tied up and denied sex for at least three weeks. I am forced to walk down Market Square with a scarlet letter stitched into my Sears suit. Several youngsters often attach signs reading “KICK ME” without my consent and proceed to kick your correspondent, Bob Hoover, onto the ground, smearing my face with the chocolate still left on their candy wrappers. You should see my dry cleaning and chiropractor bills.

Unlike these litbloggers, I, Bob Hoover, have no problems being humiliated like this. It’s part of being a Pittsburgh newspaperman. But I’m disappointed to see that this modest tar-and-feathering seems to be going the way of slavery, Charlie Chan and the dodo. The world isn’t what it was. Litbloggers should be publicly humiliated too. And it seems that as my space in print recedes, I too may find myself writing about the publishing industry from the comfort of my two-bedroom suburban home. Thank god we just applied the last mortgage payment.

Ah, the litblogosphere, which somehow manages to tap into literary culture in a way that seems to have escaped most newspapers. Somehow, these bastards read more than I do! These litboggers and their podcasts and their 75 books challenges and their interviews with authors who wouldn’t get the time of day elsewhere! How do they do it?

Of course, the only real thing a newspaperman can do is dismiss them with a pack of lies. Let I, Bob Hoover, claim, in light of the Jayson Blairs and the Judith Millers, that all litbloggers are scoundrels and prevaricators of the first order! Let I, Bob Hoover, baffled by the notion of content that isn’t targeted for an advertising-friendly demographic, declare these litbloggers to be writing for mommy and daddy! How dare they jest! How dare they skewer! How dare they even consider that their readers are smart enough to read between the lines! It’s not fair that litbloggers have hyperlinks for reference, or comments in place for readers to clarify mistakes or the subjects of their posts to respond to any allegations.

It’s also not fair that more people seem to be reading blogs than a Bob Hoover column. Don’t you like me? I learned a lesson long ago to play it safe, to never question the actions of prominent citizens or personages in the publishing industry. But these blogs have the liberty to unfurl the truth that I, Bob Hoover, cannot! These litblogs have the potential to be even more honest and truthful and probing than a Pittsburgh newspaper.

Clearly, there is little more one can do than dismiss them instead of embracing the paradigm shift. But then journalists like Terry Teachout and James Wolcott have always been more ahead of the curve than Bob Hoover.

(UPDATE: More responses from Scott Esposito, Dan Wickett, Bud Parr, M.A. Orthofer and Kevin Holtsberry.)

Sneak Preview of “24′

Seattle Post-Intelligence: “The first 15 minutes of the four-hour season opener…are stuffed with a number of unexpected brutalities that suggest this may be Jack’s worst day ever.”

Here is a sneak preview of 24‘s first 15 minutes.

7:00 AM: Jack Bauer makes coffee. Terrorists have designed Jack Bauer’s coffee pot to break, causing Jack Bauer’s left hand to be scalded with third-degree burns. Jack screams and then squints into the morning sun.

7:02 AM: Jack Bauer scowls, in that uncanny Kiefer-like way. But he is unfazed. He’s seen it all.

7:03 AM: Somehow, Jack Bauer’s omelet has been replaced with C4 plastic explosive. With 30 seconds to spare, Bauer runs out the door. His house explodes in a giant conflagration that can be seen by CTU’s satellites. His lover is dead. The poor sap renting out the guest room is dead. The adopted puppy he brought from an animal shelter yesterday is dead. This time, it’s personal. But isn’t it always.

7:04 AM: Jack Bauer tries to call CTU to track the terrorists down. But he forgot to pay his cell phone bill this month. Jack Bauer growls and grabs the cell phone of a conveniently adjacent 12 year old kid, accidentally dislocating the kid’s shoulder in the process. He calls CTU and reports that there’s been “an incident.” The kid’s father is angered and proceeds to shoot Jack Bauer in the face with his bolt-action hunting rifle. It is revealed that Jack Bauer will require plastic surgery because Kiefer’s paycheck is now too high.

7:06 AM: Jack Bauer steps on chewing gum and cannot get it out of his shoe. Jack Bauer hacks off the sole with the Bowie knife he has hidden up his anus. It is all by instinct.

7:08 AM: The paramedics arrive to take the injured Jack Bauer to the hospital. While speeding on the Los Angeles freeways at 95mph, the ambulance is hijacked. The paramedics are killed, leaving Jack Bauer to take on fifteen terrorists single-handedly in hand-to-hand combat.

7:09 AM: The gurney wheels out the back of the ambulance at 95 mph with Jack Bauer and one of the terrorists fighting. Jack Bauer is stabbed fifty-three times, but the terrorist is somehow thrown off by Jack Bauer at the last minute and run over by a yellow Toyota Tercel.

7:11 AM: Jack Bauer’s right eyeball falls onto the 110.

7:12 AM: The terrorists plant a nuclear bomb in the ambulance and fly away in the helicopter.

7:14 AM: The nuclear bomb explodes, killing thousands of Angelenos. Amazingly, despite being at the explosion’s epicenter, Jack Bauer walks away with limbs still intact and, through the miracle of hack screenwriting, without radiation sickness.

7:15 AM: President Palmer arrives on the scene and gets Jack Bauer hooked up with a special White House surgeon. Jack Bauer says, “I’ll kill the bastards if it’s the last thing I do.”

The Bat Segundo Show #18

Author: Chris Elliott

Condition of Mr. Segundo: Immersed in the past with a baseball bat cut from a tree.

Subjects Discussed: Lack of sleep from both parties, the lure of money, the Chris Elliott persona vs. the real Chris Elliott, Jack the Ripper, parodies, Alan Moore’s From Hell, research, trying to read while acting, on being declared an idiot, Get a Life, on whether the Chris Elliott persona gets tiresome, Carrot Top, cross-dressing, atmospheres with disparate historical artifacts, Cabin Boy and Tim Burton, support groups, Jack Finney’s Time and Again, Yoko Ono, Theodore Roosevelt, typewriters, how Bob Elliott became involved with Daddy’s Boy, mangled language, the editing process at Miramax Books, Paul McCartney, the Paul Guinan-Boilerplate controversy, nepotism, illustrations, infantile humor, the other side of Chris Elliott, Robin Williams, comic archetypes vs. acting, and the biggest piece of advice given to Elliott by David Letterman.

One Cranky Bastard

It’s come to our attention that we’ve been particularly cranky of late. We apologize for this. We haven’t been sleeping well. And by not sleeping well, we’re talking two to three hours of sleep a night. We hope to offer a lengthy dose of positive enthusiasm by week’s end. Just to show you we’re not bitter. Just sleep-deprived.

Get Rich and Keep Lyin’

The Frey scandal, it seems, has done very little to dent Frey’s career. This morning, Publishers Lunch reports that Frey has sold not one, but two novels:

Author of A Million Little Pieces James Frey’s first novel, a multi-voiced, multi-threaded story of contemporary Los Angeles, and a second book, again to Sean McDonald at Riverhead, for publication beginning in fall 2007, by Kassie Evashevski at Brillstein-Grey (world English).

[RELATED: Random House plans to refund readers and Jeff has been doing a hell of a job keeping on top of this story, confirming that Frey will be appearing tonight on Larry King Live.]

Annoying Message #1

Dear Ed,

Please nominate me for a Bloggies Award. I would do it myself but I think it may help if it came from someone else. I don’t care what category. I just want one of those neat banners to post on my site. If I win, I’ll be sure to thank you and provide a link back to you on my site.

Yours in Christ,

A. Nom

James Frey: The Biggest Liar in Publishing?

It is generally concluded that writers are professional liars (and, in at least one case, overhyped dupes who manage to fool the literary world). However, when a writer pens a memoir, is there not a certain expectation of truth? Even if the details are fudged a bit here and there, or entirely fabricated, shouldn’t a memoir writer ground his story in some rudimentary reality?

The Smoking Gun launched a six-week investigation and found that James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces, had fabricated many elements of his alleged criminal past. Frey, it seems, managed to fool Oprah (and, admittedly, this litblogger). What’s interesting is that instead of responding directly to the allegations, Frey remarked that this was the “latest attempt to discredit me….I stand by my book, and my life, and I won’t dignify this bullshit with any sort of further response.”

According to TSG, Frey’s been dignifying it all in other ways. He had the court records pertaining to several incidents purged. There were no records from the prosecuting attorney, who kept a record “on any case that came in whether or not it resulted in felony charges.” Despite daily episodes of recurrent vomiting and bleeding and addiction, Frey somehow managed to graduate from Denison University in four years. But most interestingly, the alleged “cracked-out” incident that threw Frey into rehab simply involved Frey with an open bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon. No billy cubs flung, no .29 blood-alcohol content, and certainly no crack.

When we consider that Frey originally tried to sell his memoir as a novel, one wonders precisely whether much of A Million Little Pieces was actually changed. Indeed, in hindsight, it’s quite interesting to see how trusting the literary world was of Frey’s astonishing memoir, which was billed as the tell-all memoir to end all tell-all memoirs. Has the publishing atmosphere proven so antiseptic in its subject matter that only a sensationalized memoir can polarize its attentions?

[UPDATE: Amazingly, this whole question of “the truth” has inspired Neal Pollack to serve up the funniest thing he’s written since he became a humorless family man and told people to shut up about a conflict that has been almost universally acknowledged as a bona-fide clusterfuck without reasonable justification. Perhaps there’s hope for Pollack yet!]