Category / Video Games

by Edward Champion

List of Power-Ups and Items for “Left Behind” Video Game

I checked my fax machine this morning and was stunned to learn that someone had sent me a list of power-ups and items (labeled “First Draft: R&D”) for the upcoming Left Behind: Eternal Forces video game. I share this disturbing information, so that readers might be better able to decide if Eternal Forces will unseat Counterstrike: Source as their game of choice.

Atheist Skull: Collect an atheist skull after you have annihilated a heathen! One atheist skull will increase your Intolerance Level by 50%. Also serves as adrenaline boost. Be sure to keep any skulls you can’t collect within your range of vision, as they will help you to fixate your hatred when decimating the Unbelievers.

Books: Avoid these pesky objects, as contact with a Book will take away one Hit Point! Remember, a book can sometimes be just as deadly as an Unbeliever! It is important for you to steer clear of any and all intellectual forces while proceeding with your mission. (See “Maintaining Your Ignorance” section of manual.)

Democratic Human Remains: Frequently, you will run into the remains of Democrats, who attempted to campaign long and hard to “take back the nation” during the 2006 midterm elections. Of course, the Democrats, lacking our great courage and all of them being Unbelievers, failed and they were massacred by the tens of thousands in the Time Before. If you are running low on Hit Points, stand on a DHR, hit Jump, and this action, depending upon your Callousness Levels, will help you to heal between melee attacks.

Photograph of Aborted Fetus: If your Intolerance Level is running low while in Combat Mode, use the Photograph of Aborted Fetus to frighten away or appall your enemies. Photographs can be obtained in religious zones or while playing the optional side quest during the “All Fags Must Die” section of the game.

Unsubtle Placard: Abandoned placards (which must be misspelled and cite imaginary passages from the Bible) can be used both as weapons against Muslims and to increase your Intolerance Level. Do not confuse this pivotal power-up item with a placard that is spelled correctly! Placards that are spelled correctly will mar your stamina. It is essentially that you keep your Intolerance Level at 70% in order to defeat all those who differ from the True Religion!

by Edward Champion

The Video Game Industry: Innovation is an Afterthought

Slate: “What happened to these pioneers? Garriott never produced another breakthrough like Ultima; he now works for online multiplayer giant NCsoft. Meier has spent most of the last decade updating his previous hits at a company owned by Grand Theft Auto publisher Take-Two Interactive. Id Software has clung to its independence but produced nothing further in the way of milestone games. Perhaps the lone indie superstar to retain his auteur status is Will Wright, who now has his own ‘studio’ within Electronic Arts. Wright takes years to cook up his always-innovative games. In 2000, he released The Sims, which transported players into the first of many ‘digital dollhouses’ and became the best-selling computer game of all time. Wright’s next game, Spore, aims to simulate the evolution of life from microorganism to space-faring civilization. It will probably be the only innovative title EA releases next year.”