Your Tax Dollars Telling You What to Do as Adults

USA Today: “Now the government is targeting unmarried adults up to age 29 as part of its abstinence-only programs, which include millions of dollars in federal money that will be available to the states under revised federal grant guidelines for 2007. The government says the change is a clarification. But critics say it’s a clear signal of a more directed policy targeting the sexual behavior of adults.”

Blogging Worse Than Masturbation in the Eyes of the Church?

The Restored Church of God: “Should teenagers and others in the Church express themselves to the world through blogs? Because of the obvious dangers; the clear biblical principles that apply; the fact that it gives one a voice; that it is almost always idle words; that teens often do not think before they do; that it is acting out of boredom; and it is filled with appearances of evil—blogging is simply not to be done in the Church. It should be clear that it is unnecessary and in fact dangerous on many levels.”

Memo from a White House Staffer Whose Services “Will No Longer Be Required”

Dear George:

It was great to meet with you and Laura at the Crawford ranch. That was really great barbeque. I had no idea endangered caribou tasted so good! Of course I’m happy to help out on the 50th “In God We Trust” proclaimation. I’ve looked through the draft and here are my thoughts:

1. I’ve run some numbers and it seems that we’re getting a bit of resistance on this national motto business among the more free thinking members of the right. Look, I know that “In God We Trust” is the national motto and all, but if you’re going to go with the “beacon of religious freedom” language, you may want to tie “E Pluribus Unum” into this somewhere. It was, after all, the original motto. Let me know if you need me to fax over the information sheet. I know you’re a bit fuzzy on the subject. It stands for “one from many parts.” Perhaps if you replace the “divine plan that stands above all human plans,” which is a bit inconsistent with the religious freedom section, with “one plan from many to choose from,” maybe adopting a metaphor involving a cell phone long distance plan, we might be able to sneak this through the blue state crowd with little resistance and get home in time to watch America’s Next Top Model.

2. I hate to break this to you, George. I know you’re a Yale man and all, but have you heard of Gautama Buddha? If you insist on the “god” language, we’re going to have a little trouble with the Buddhist crowd. Sally tells me that Buddhists can actually vote! And the way your numbers have been lately, George, we’re going to need any support we can get for the midterm elections.

3. The DOJ is dealing with the First Amendment crowd. Don’t worry. We’re on it.

4. I know that “Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation” is part of the Star Spangled Banner and all, but given that it’s in the fourth stanza and most Americans have difficulty remembering anything beyond the first, you may want to take this reference out. Perhaps you can dwell on the “land of the free and the home of the brave” line. That always goes down well at air shows. In fact, I’m not sure if you got my other memo, but Kenny Loggins has given us the rights to play “Danger Zone” as much as we want during the next two years. Perhaps if you used “the hotter the intensity” somewhere, we can tie everything together with one big rosy bow and get a bit of a sexual charge thing going with regard to this whole God thing.

5. You’re being a bit nebulous about this “cause greater than self.” Is it the country or is it God? My advice: go with country. Just so the whole god and country thing is indivisible.

6. Again, just so we can appease the free thinking crowd, do you really have to use “year of our Lord?” Not even Ike used that. Why don’t we settle on Anno Domini? It’s actually Latin for “in the Year of the Lord” and commonly accepted among the atheist socialist crowd. A win-win situation, if you ask me.

Anyway, let me know what you think. I’m confident that some of these subtle changes will make your message less ostentatious and that this proclamation will pass without notice. Subtlety generally keeps these leftist swine squirming more than the big guns.


Herbert Stanwyck

List of Power-Ups and Items for “Left Behind” Video Game

I checked my fax machine this morning and was stunned to learn that someone had sent me a list of power-ups and items (labeled “First Draft: R&D”) for the upcoming Left Behind: Eternal Forces video game. I share this disturbing information, so that readers might be better able to decide if Eternal Forces will unseat Counterstrike: Source as their game of choice.

Atheist Skull: Collect an atheist skull after you have annihilated a heathen! One atheist skull will increase your Intolerance Level by 50%. Also serves as adrenaline boost. Be sure to keep any skulls you can’t collect within your range of vision, as they will help you to fixate your hatred when decimating the Unbelievers.

Books: Avoid these pesky objects, as contact with a Book will take away one Hit Point! Remember, a book can sometimes be just as deadly as an Unbeliever! It is important for you to steer clear of any and all intellectual forces while proceeding with your mission. (See “Maintaining Your Ignorance” section of manual.)

Democratic Human Remains: Frequently, you will run into the remains of Democrats, who attempted to campaign long and hard to “take back the nation” during the 2006 midterm elections. Of course, the Democrats, lacking our great courage and all of them being Unbelievers, failed and they were massacred by the tens of thousands in the Time Before. If you are running low on Hit Points, stand on a DHR, hit Jump, and this action, depending upon your Callousness Levels, will help you to heal between melee attacks.

Photograph of Aborted Fetus: If your Intolerance Level is running low while in Combat Mode, use the Photograph of Aborted Fetus to frighten away or appall your enemies. Photographs can be obtained in religious zones or while playing the optional side quest during the “All Fags Must Die” section of the game.

Unsubtle Placard: Abandoned placards (which must be misspelled and cite imaginary passages from the Bible) can be used both as weapons against Muslims and to increase your Intolerance Level. Do not confuse this pivotal power-up item with a placard that is spelled correctly! Placards that are spelled correctly will mar your stamina. It is essentially that you keep your Intolerance Level at 70% in order to defeat all those who differ from the True Religion!

NPR or the 700 Club?

This NPR segment is appalling journalism and comes damn close to outright propaganda. Not once does the journalist ponder whether faith-based initiative programs are the right way to combat poverty. Not once does the journalist consider the creepy hold that one of the described programs has on the local economy. Not once does the journalist call into question the notion that a man “believing in Jesus” can be trusted.

In Short, God Dictates That Marital Conflicts Are Best Resolved by Fucking Your Spouse’s Brains Out

Mr. Jared Wilson may be my sworn rival, but this link of his is too unintentionally hilarious to pass up. Under “2. A Sexually fulfilled husband is a scriptural mandate.” (directed to women):

If the marriage is a satisfied one, both parties will see the other’s side. The man may realize his wife needs her sleep and, because of his love for her, lets her get that sleep. Or the wife may sacrificially decide that giving her body with joy to her husband is more important than those few minutes of slumber.

Some of these interludes, although they may start off rocky, can end up being great. But in so many marriages, when a spouse gets turned down, the seeds of bitterness are planted to the point where, later that day, the wife asks the husband to go to the grocery store and he says, “No, I can’t.”

“Why not? You’re just watching the game.”

“I’m busy.”

“You don’t look busy.”

“I don’t care what I look like, I’m busy.”

What’s going on here?

It’s a delayed reaction. Admittedly, while it’s a cheap shot, it happens all the time. The husband thinks, If she turns me down, I’ll turn her down.

And there’s this advice directed to men:

Good sex is an all-day affair. You can’t treat your wife like a servant and expect her to be eager to sleep with you at night. Your wife’s sexual responsiveness will be determined by how willingly you help out with the dishes, the kids’ homework, or that leaky faucet that drips.

This is difficult for many men to understand, in large part because we remove sex from every other part of our life. We think sex fixes things on its own—but it doesn’t do that for a woman. The context, the history, the current level of emotional closeness—all that directly affects your wife’s desire and enjoyment of sexual relations. A good lover works just as hard outside the bedroom as he does inside it.

Husbands, do you want a wife who has less stress, who’s more appreciative and respectful of you? Learn what pleases her sexually.

Who knew that Eisenhower-era views of marriage and sexual “empowerment” could all be tied together in one happy bow of naive resolution? Whacked out, to say the least.

Target: Refusal Clause Happy

It looks like Target policy involves refusing to fill emergency contraception prescriptions. In a Missouri Target store, a 26 year old woman was refused an emergency contraception prescription. When she asked why, she was told by the pharmacist, “I won’t fill it and I don’t have to fill it and that’s my right!”

Why should something as ridiculous sounding as “Target Greatland” have control over a woman’s body?

I’m not really surprised, given that when you walk into a Target store, you are a “guest” not a “customer.” This is fantastic linguistic chicanery, because while one can legitimately claim “the customer is always right,” anyone who has unknowingly served Drink Number 7 to a party guest would be hard-pressed to suggest that “the guest is always right.”

Planned Parenthood has sent three letters to Target. There have been an additional 4,600 letters from people around the country. Target refused to respond to them.

Target has however answered the City Pages. And Target claims, without producing their findings, that the “alleged incident” was a he-said, she-said thing and, through perhaps unintentional subtext, they have essentially endorsed the refusal clause.

There are two solutions here: (1) boycott Target or pressure them to adopt a wholesale ban on refusal clauses and (2) engage in a national campaign to get state legislation (in as many states as possible) passed that prohibits any pharmacy from employing the refusal clause (specifically in relation to a woman’s right to buy an emergency prescription).

Robertson Clarifies

Pat Robertson now says that his quote was misinterpreted. He didn’t really want to assassinate Hugo Chavez. Rather, he hoped that special forces could storm into Venezuela, kidnap President Chavez and send the President to Robertson’s private bungalow, where Chavez would then be converted to Christianity and, should Chavez not prove flexible, be subjected to the Problem Child films and have his skull converted into a bookend for Robertson’s study.

Robertson, you see, is a scholar and a pragmatist. Not a hatemonger and an assclown. And we’re grateful that he’s come clean with his intentions.

Hey, We May Be More Paranoid Than We Think

You’ve sold more than 40 million books. Number 12’s about to come out. What do you do to keep your readers hooked? You throw in the Messiah himself.

Yes, Glorious Appearing, the latest entry in the Left Behind series is almost due. And this time, it’s personal. Jesus himself shows up. And for those who can’t wait for the Literary Event of the Millennium, there’s an excerpt up for die-hards:

Mac’s magnified vision fell upon colorful, metallic pieces glinting in the sun, perhaps a mile from his position. Oh no.

A red fuel tank and a tire looked very much like parts from Rayford’s all-terrain vehicle. Mac tried to steady his hands as he panned in a wide arc, looking for signs of his friend. It appeared the ATV could have been hit by a heat-seeking missile or smashed to bits by tumbling. Perhaps, he thought, no sign of Rayford nearby was good news.

Quite possibly, the prose could have been wrought by a devout illiterate or ignored to bits by sleeping.

Dr. LaHaye also notes, “The Bible clearly teaches there’s going to be a one-world government in the last days. And after the Rapture of the church, then that one-world government will coalesce, bringing together all the governments of the world and also bringing together all the religions of the world. The fact that we’re seeing some of those things happen right now must be a wake-up call to some people to say, `Hey, we may be closer than we think.’ ”

I don’t know, Doc. I’d go with the unnecessary revival of Kirk Cameron’s career as augury.

The Reader’s Last Sigh

The Associated Press reports that Rushdie’s new novel will “have a lot more India in it” than Midnight’s Children. That’s great. But it still doesn’t change the fact that Rushdie hasn’t written a single compelling novel since Haroun and the Sea of Stories.

Who says they aren’t crazy about libraries in the sticks? In Modesto, 100 volunteers are trying to maintain a small sales tax to ensure that their libraries stay open.

Geologists are trying to stop a creationist book from being sold at the Grand Canyon. The book, Grand Canyon: A Different View, suggests that the Canyon came into being not by the erosion of the Colorado River over millions of years, but because of a wager between Jesus and Peter. Peter lost the bet. And instead of turning water into wine, as Peter hoped, Jesus created the Grand Canyon. But not without starting a few side projects like lime jello and double-entry bookkeeping.

And Pete Rose has the best marketing gimmick around: “Read my book before judging me.”

[1/24/06 UPDATE: As of November 2004, the controversy died down. I am not in a position to confirm this, although I will try and make a phone call to determine what the National Park Service’s position is, but it appears that Tom Vail’s apocryphal book is still being sold at the Grand Canyon store. Of course, all this came well before any of the Intelligent Design bullshit. But the decidedly unscientific Tom Vail has remained quite smug about his victory.]