Free Gifts for Micropatrons

Ever since I decided to become a lazy bastard and ask my readers for money, I’ve had lots of laughs spending my days in bed naked, smearing myself with Vaseline, watching Jose Mojica Marins movies on DVD, heating and eating donated cans of Progresso Soup (might I recommend the Manhattan Clam Chowder?), growing a poorly trimmed beard and, when really bored out of my gourd, posting content here that you can get elsewhere for free.

Sifting through ads and slaving away at some dull office job like most foolish Americans was never a consideration. And I had no desire to film myself having a nervous breakdown. There are enough 900 MB Quicktime movies floating around. (Just type in “Edward Champion drunk phone breakdown BitTorrent” into Google and see the insalubrious results for yourself.)

But I genuinely had no idea that you’d want to give me so much money to post long screeds about ME! ME! ME! I have difficulty enough jogging three times a week. And the last woman who slept with me thought my penis was too small.

However, fair is fair. Since some of you actually care enough to send me your hard-earned dollars, I figure that you deserve more incentive than reading about some 30 year old Caucasian whining about books during office hours. With this in mind, I’ve prepared some contribution gifts for the true suckers…ahem…patrons:

MY NINE INCH NAILS T-SHIRT: I’ve had this thing for at least twelve years. Frankly, it’s too embarassing for me to wear and I can’t even use it as “doing laundry” attire. But if you’ve ever wondered what it might be like to come close to all of the sweat I accumulated in my twenties, now’s your chance. Donate away and relive my glory years!

THE EMPTY BOTTLE OF STOLI FROM LAST WEEK: Hero worship doesn’t stop with sartorial artifacts. If there are any genetic scientists in the house who desire to clone me, you can do no worse than extracting some of the dried saliva around the bottle cap. Why, together we’ll create a whole army of self-absorbed bloggers asking for money! What lucky payee will be the first to start this revolution? The first one who sends in $400 gets this puppy.

SLOPPY SECONDS: The aforementioned woman who thought my penis was too small? Well, guess what, kids! She’s offered to throw herself at anyone willing to pay me money, largely because she figures that my readers are far more interesting and sexier than I am.

Act now and one of these (or perhaps all!) of these gifts can be yours!

Remember, kids! Blogging is all about the money!