Memo from a White House Staffer Whose Services “Will No Longer Be Required”

Dear George:

It was great to meet with you and Laura at the Crawford ranch. That was really great barbeque. I had no idea endangered caribou tasted so good! Of course I’m happy to help out on the 50th “In God We Trust” proclaimation. I’ve looked through the draft and here are my thoughts:

1. I’ve run some numbers and it seems that we’re getting a bit of resistance on this national motto business among the more free thinking members of the right. Look, I know that “In God We Trust” is the national motto and all, but if you’re going to go with the “beacon of religious freedom” language, you may want to tie “E Pluribus Unum” into this somewhere. It was, after all, the original motto. Let me know if you need me to fax over the information sheet. I know you’re a bit fuzzy on the subject. It stands for “one from many parts.” Perhaps if you replace the “divine plan that stands above all human plans,” which is a bit inconsistent with the religious freedom section, with “one plan from many to choose from,” maybe adopting a metaphor involving a cell phone long distance plan, we might be able to sneak this through the blue state crowd with little resistance and get home in time to watch America’s Next Top Model.

2. I hate to break this to you, George. I know you’re a Yale man and all, but have you heard of Gautama Buddha? If you insist on the “god” language, we’re going to have a little trouble with the Buddhist crowd. Sally tells me that Buddhists can actually vote! And the way your numbers have been lately, George, we’re going to need any support we can get for the midterm elections.

3. The DOJ is dealing with the First Amendment crowd. Don’t worry. We’re on it.

4. I know that “Praise the Power that hath made and preserved us a nation” is part of the Star Spangled Banner and all, but given that it’s in the fourth stanza and most Americans have difficulty remembering anything beyond the first, you may want to take this reference out. Perhaps you can dwell on the “land of the free and the home of the brave” line. That always goes down well at air shows. In fact, I’m not sure if you got my other memo, but Kenny Loggins has given us the rights to play “Danger Zone” as much as we want during the next two years. Perhaps if you used “the hotter the intensity” somewhere, we can tie everything together with one big rosy bow and get a bit of a sexual charge thing going with regard to this whole God thing.

5. You’re being a bit nebulous about this “cause greater than self.” Is it the country or is it God? My advice: go with country. Just so the whole god and country thing is indivisible.

6. Again, just so we can appease the free thinking crowd, do you really have to use “year of our Lord?” Not even Ike used that. Why don’t we settle on Anno Domini? It’s actually Latin for “in the Year of the Lord” and commonly accepted among the atheist socialist crowd. A win-win situation, if you ask me.

Anyway, let me know what you think. I’m confident that some of these subtle changes will make your message less ostentatious and that this proclamation will pass without notice. Subtlety generally keeps these leftist swine squirming more than the big guns.


Herbert Stanwyck

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