My Ten Dollar Year

[Mr. Champion recently obtained a grant for $10.00 for an artistic project. Citing the rise in artistic projects that involved spending for spending’s sake and pointing out how important spending money was to the human experience, Mr. Champion vowed to start living on a mere ten dollars a year, beginning in mid-February. The following journal represnts his attempts to do so.]

February 15, 2005

Tried to buy a burrito, but only had ten bucks to last the rest of the year. Ended up eating some Top Ramen instead. Yum yum! Not quite the sustenance I had when I was living on more than ten bucks, but then grant money is grant money, right? The stale taste reminded me of my college days.

February 25, 2005

Looks like I’m not going to have any quarters for the laundromat this week. Oh well. Guess I’ll have to get used to hand-washing my shirts and frequently smelling like last month’s sweat. I wonder if I can get Section 8 housing?

Stole a couple apples from the tree next door. I don’t think the neighbors will mind too much. They never seem to pick them.

Have lost about 30 pounds. Believe that I’m suffering from botulism, since I’ve resorted to cracking open those leftover cans of tomatoes in the cupboard. Bet those Atkins diet people never thought of this!

Seeing hallucinations from time to time, but that could be the flouridated tap water. Have to say that I never thought I’d become such a water addict. Oh well. Keeps the stomach rumbles and the dry heaves to a minimum.

Rent’s due in a couple of days. I wonder if the landlord will understand my lack of funds. I did tell him that I was an artist, right?

March 5, 2005

Wouldn’t you know it? The landlord served me with a Notice to Vacate. Well! No comp tickets for him to my next show!

Tried to talk with him on the phone to see if he could wait about a year or so for me to pay the rent, seeing as how I was living on a total of ten dollars for the time being. But unfortunately, the folks at SBC shut off my phone yesterday. So I did spend 37 cents from the ten dollars to send him a letter. Since I haven’t been able to buy fresh pens, I took to writing the letter in my own blood.

Did you know that blood serves as a really fantastic substitute to ink? Who knew? And What a way to pinch pennies!

Am optimistic that my landlord and perhaps SBC will understand.

March 12, 2005

Two men were here to speak with “Mr. Champion about the power.” Fortunately, now that I’m looking a bit like Christian Bale from The Machinist these days, they had no way of knowing that it was me. Even when I showed them my driver’s license. So I’m now writing this journal by candlelight.

Haven’t eaten for about a week. Still, the glow of the pilot light on the gas stove looks beautiful. What a wonderful world!

March 21, 2005

Little elves! My friends! Foolish capitalistic buffoons who live like fatcats! Bwahahahah! I will kiss them all and declare them Irish! No soup for you! They cannot pry me from my beautiful cave of filth!

Still have about eight bucks left and have given each George Washington a name. Dollar number one is named Harry. Dollar number two is named Dolores and she’s beautiful! But I’m too weak to give her succor. Dollar number three…I will need to stat counting again.

I lie in foul unwashed bedsheets and marvel at my beautiful decrepitude. Vengeance shall be mine, little elves! Together, we shall Veblenate their hollow spirits and proffer our tongues in the name of the pilot light god!

[There are no additional entries in Mr. Champion’s notebook.]

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