Ten Things I’ve Done That I Probably Shouldn’t Have Done

Well, since everyone seems to be following Terry’s lead, here are ten things I probably shouldn’t have done. This is by no means the list.

1. Talked my way out of being mugged while at gupoint on a bus in the Mission. Even managed to keep my wallet.

2. Wrote a feature length script in 24 hours, declared the script “experimental” to avoid heavy criticism, turned this piece of offal in for academic credit and was told by adviser that it was “one of the best scripts I’ve ever read from a student.”

3. Confused the dates of a major exam, went into the test cold without having read any of the material, relying upon hazy memories of reading the books in my teenage years, and was able to pass with flying colors, even recalling specific passages to back up arguments.

4. While in kindergarten, I was given a mathematical workbook. The book was intended to enrich me. It was suggested that I do the exercises, but I somehow construed this to involve the completion of entire workbook over weekend. Shocked parents, friends of parents, teachers.

5. Had sex in a museum while it was open.

6. On a dare, I once snorted about ten packets of Sweet & Low in a row at a 24 hour diner, to demonstrate that sugar substitute was a convicing cinematic substitute for cocaine.

7. As a teenager, to see how fast my mother’s shitty Ford Tempo could get, I slammed the gas down, cranking the speedometer hard to the right, and drove past a sitting fuzzmobile at 3 AM. Paranoid that I would be caught, that my license plate had been jottted down and that my underage drinking (one beer) would be discovered, I parked in an alley for an hour.

8. To see how long I could last without sleep, I once stayed awake for four days straight. Believe it or not, this was done without drugs.

9. Carried on an affair with a married woman. She was about twenty years older than me.

10. Was once escorted out of a building, according to “office procedure.” There was no explanation for my termination, nor any opportunity to explain my side of the story.

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  1. #6 reminds me of “the stuntman”
    (1) snort a line of salt
    (2) squeeze a lime in your eye
    (3) shot of tequila

  2. OMG, Ed. I did my whole kindergarten math workbook in a single night, too. What is wrong with us? The reaction this little feat got may explain my subsequent nosedive in the subject in high school….

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