Transcript of the Unedited Azzam Tape

azzam.jpgMUFFLED VOICE: Is this thing on?

AZZAM: Yessss…it iz on. I can see ze blinking red light. Do you have zee After Effects software for ze menacing logo?


AZZAM: Very good. Hahahahahaha. I am Azzam the American. Heed my worrrrrrrrrrds.

MUFFLED VOICE: Azzam, keep your hood on.

AZZAM: Yesss…you are riiiiiiiiiight. We mest scare ze bejeeeesus out of the crooked American peoples. Rumorz on zee Internets. Zey won’t be able to authenticate zis.

MUFFLED VOICE: For God’s sake, Azzam, don’t use plural like that. You’ll give away our cover.

AZZAM: Shut up, Umar. I am zee great Azzam and this esss my show. I speak en zee tones of an ominous Middle Eastern stereotype zat cannut be corroborated. America is evil and shall pay. It is a tyrannous nation with blood dripping out of my nose. I, ze great Azzam the American, shall frighten all evil Americans. Including ze smallest of children. America is a tyranny.

MUFFLED VOICE: Pronounce it tie-ryanny.

AZZAM: Yessssss, America is a tie-ryanny! (inaudible, followed by loud maniacal laughter) It ess a country where ze oil flows like wine. Rumsfield, Bush. All evil. (Here, the word “evil” has been accentuated with post-production reverb) I am Azzam the American. My voice shall bring great terrrrrror and much blood in the streets. Bill Maher will be my personal pony. You have been warned.


AZZAM: What essss it?

MUFFLED VOICE: Your fly’s undone.


  1. Edward,

    You’re not really Ali G are you? Has anyone (meaning creditable non web log person nor non govermental agency person or any of my relatives) ever met you?

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